[Discussion] Taking it one at a time

[ekemono]

The topic is : To walk out of a relationship before going into another

This discussion obviously does not apply to ONS, flings, and eat out, but it is about managing relationships in our life with a spouse or a lover. I have read and heard folks that got involved with someone new deeply before they walk away from the current one. I for one, do not approve of it.

Since in such scenario, it is likely that the current relationship has collapsed and may not be able to salvage, then my point of view is that to end it and relieve oneself of the bagage and burden. It would be a lot healthier for future relationship as it will be unlikely that the new chosen partner will end up a replacement or "clutch". I believe nobody likes to be treated that way.

Moreover, in a situation where there are a reluctant to give up the current relationship out of some form of love that still exist, while enjoying a new relationship, my dictionary would only spelled out the words "two-timing".
I cannot comprehend how a person is able to manage and achieve positive results in a "two-timing" environment, unless the new relationship was driven and substain by lust. But then again, lust is always short-lived.

Hence, i posted this topic of discussion. This topic does not serve as a challenge to anyone or an insultation to someone who took this route, but it was always on my mind unanswered. So, I wish to be enlightened.

I hope my limited descriptions were useful for your discussion.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

It's called a difficulty to adapt to change.
One tries to fill a void ASAP and does not understand the essence of the real issue.
This is like what i always call 逃避
Also bcos it's easier to start a new one than fix an onld one.

[pewpew]

Maybe for the old relationship, its call responsibility.
For the new relationship, its call refreshment.

[jasdude]

human nature ! for example if your wife is fat , the fl you will favour is those slim types . When a relationship is souring or lacking in something , people then tend to err in the sense of finding comfort with someone that has qualities that the current partner is lacking before they decide to end the other relationship. No body is perfect . love isn't too .

[ekemono]

thanks all bros for your inputs.
Other bros do pen out your point of view if you can. No wrong or right.
cheers:D

[aakumu]

Hi bro,
Love and care cannot be replace, but lust can be replace at a tip of a hat.
As long as we do not get it missed up, we will be fine.

My humble two cents.

[Sleepyguy]

Hi bro,

Maybe the current relationship do not promised a fruitful future, and the new relationship is offerring a brighter future, but the new relationship have to Q and wait till the current ones end. Hence the two-timings ???
So its the indecisiveness of the person involving both the relationships that is the main cause.

Just my humble opinion.....

[wodemama]

human nature ! for example if your wife is fat , the fl you will favour is those slim types . When a relationship is souring or lacking in something , people then tend to err in the sense of finding comfort with someone that has qualities that the current partner is lacking before they decide to end the other relationship. No body is perfect . love isn't too .

bro, you've just said the most important thing.

Seeking alternatives because one lacks the necessary "attributes" to contain the person interest.

[colins]

There are many reasons as to why relationship ends. The worst is to transfer the old existing issues onto the new one. That's one of the most common cases happening.

Once a person reached the end of the line, his options are always very limited. It is like when you have a lot of unfinished tasks, you tend to tell yourself, hey I better move on to a new job. Last time, my opinion on marriage is always related to the expended chewing gum theory, when there is no more sweetness, your choice is either to chuck it or swallow it. Only these 2 choices. Problem is, if you continue to treat your marriage like a chewing gum, you are always sucking up one after another. Later on, I felt that this theory has a flaw. It doesn't explain the picture perfectly. It doesn't explain why other men stay with their own partner, seemingly happily for life.

Then the focus went on to why men need wives, esp when there are so many desirable girls out there. If men need wives, dun they need to fulfil their lust as well? But if this is true, wouldn't every man be fucking around, and I really mean 100% of all males. Not true also. So what is wrong with men who fuck around and men who doesn't?

The answer came pretty shortly afterward. It is in the ways we manage our relationships with our spouses and girlfriends particularly in 2 very important elements in ourselves, 1. Desires, 2. Submission.

Every men has desires, whether its lust, ego/pride or culinary appetide. Basically if you go thru the 7 sins you'll know what I'm talking about. Which of these desires hold the centre stage in your life, only you will know, and each of us varies its importance accordingly to our experience and intellect. Now the root of the issue here is, to what degree have you submitted your most important desires to your spouse/gf determines how much tension you will have in the relationship. Such tension will cause you to escape the issue and seek to nullify (not fulfil) your void caused by this desire that you did not get from your spouse/gf.

Before I lost my line of thought, I'll try give an example first. A man marries a lady in his early 20s. His life experiences has taught him that he need a lot of sex (of cos, still young mah) therefore he brand Lust as top priority. He knows she is the one who will satisfy this desire and therefore submit to her. So basically she can have anything she wants if she is good in bed. Other desires that he may have, like ego, can be satisfied to a certain degree but he knows its not priority. Whether she can cook or not, well, to hell with it.

As he grows old, he starts to internalise more experience and changes. This is the killer part. For example, a not-so-successful person will want his pride fulfilled at home. If his woman can give him all the ego he wants, he will never think of going elsewhere to get it. He will submit to this woman if his desires are fulfilled by her. Again, only priority desire counts. The other desires will only create tension in the relationship, but never a major concern. Those tensions created by non-priority desire will only be quoted during the breaking up, but I digress.

If his priority remains at lust, the woman will be taking a uphill climb on this challenge cos she HAS TO grow old. When she does, he will no longer submit to her and gain independence from the previous submission. When the priority desire is no longer satisfied in his turf, he has 2 choices. Beat ALL the desires down and become a dead man walking, means henpeck all the way till he dies, or maintain the desire to be human, and seek to satisfy it outside immediately when he realise this. If he chooses either choice, the relationship maintains in equilibrium. If he chooses to stay halfway between the choices, the relationship will now suffer from increased tension, like an unbearable hundred-fold compared to previous non-priority unsatisfied desires.

The relationship reaches a stage where both parties are just relieving tension, thats all, becos no one submits to the other. One day this will create a breakup, cos when both parties escape (the real issue of submission of the priority desire) till there is no point in continuing the show, the show will be over. You can easily see that the man starts making lots of excuses for the breakup, quoting the number of desires he cannot get fulfilment from his wife/gf, etc. All these tensions (or reasons) never seemed to bother him but they are sure bothering him now. It is important then to seek this priority desire to solve this problem.

Most men tends to seek places to submit himself to. From this perspective, it is actually true when woman say we are cheapo. But that's becos we have desires and when we cannot control them, we need to be constantly satis-ed.

In bro eke's question, we can easily explain it from the above. When a man cannot submit to his wife on his priority desire, he will submit his desire to someone else. This is not 2-timing, becos marriage and bi/monogamy are civilised concepts. When bro eke says lust is short lived, thats becos that man's desire is NOT in lust. If a woman can satisfy her man's lust and make him submit to her, she can guarantee her position beside him forever. His desire might be pride, greed or envy, again depends on individual.

So to conclude this, sorry bros I know it is messy, desires create the need to submit, to rely. If a man knows how to control it, the people around him gets a lot of joy and a good life. If he doesn't, his woman better satisfy his priority desire and make him submit to her. All these are vice versa, man also need to satisfied his woman the same way.

Thanks for reading.

[DO_YOU_BJ]

Wah Obiwan, 你长大了！！！

[ekemono]

sorry bros I know it is messy,

no it is not messy. A good contribution. Thanks

[xyz1001]

desires create the need to submit, to rely. If a man knows how to control it, the people around him gets a lot of joy and a good life. If he doesn't, his woman better satisfy his priority desire and make him submit to her. All these are vice versa, man also need to satisfied his woman the same way.



Wow bro colins, power sia!! :D

[BUOYANTLESS]

escapism is nvr healthy,at end of e day the person involved wld jst be left wit nothing.as human beings we all hv needs but veri often we loose focus on wats realli important.

[colins]

Wah Obiwan, 你长大了！！！

Yeah, I no longer the SYT hahahaha...and dun start anything about aunties and MILF... 我是被你打到大的！！！


Wow bro colins, power sia!! :D

Refer to above, my worship.

[colins]

no it is not messy. A good contribution. Thanks

Welcome bro, one good thread will always bring many good contributions. ;)

[HCKing]

to walk out of current relationship 1st b4 going for new one?

well think alot of ppl would prefer the kiasi way of 2 timing at the same time 1st just in case the new one turns up to be sucks still can U-turn and go back to old one mah. haha.
unless old one sucks even more then will confidently walk out of current relationship. test water tactic lah. :p

[rhys]

Bro collins

Very insightful.

Yes, ultimately, relationships are based on mutual satisfaction of desires and also the mutual exploitation of each other to satisfy each's needs.

That's why it's often quoted that men use intimacy to get sex and women use sex to get intimacy and both get what they want. :-)

It's sad but true in marriages, it breaks down once the satisfaction of desires becomes unfulfilled. And it's not always about sex. For a lot of singaporean women, they don't realise that the ego thing is something they need to stroke and sometimes stroking the ego is more powerful than stroking the dick or face. But some women feel that to stroke the ego of their spouse is to put themselves down. It doesn't have to be like that. You can make another feel good without making yourself feel bad, but some spouses think that it's a zero-sum game.

[colins]

Bro collins

Very insightful.

Yes, ultimately, relationships are based on mutual satisfaction of desires and also the mutual exploitation of each other to satisfy each's needs.

That's why it's often quoted that men use intimacy to get sex and women use sex to get intimacy and both get what they want. :-)

It's sad but true in marriages, it breaks down once the satisfaction of desires becomes unfulfilled. And it's not always about sex. For a lot of singaporean women, they don't realise that the ego thing is something they need to stroke and sometimes stroking the ego is more powerful than stroking the dick or face. But some women feel that to stroke the ego of their spouse is to put themselves down. It doesn't have to be like that. You can make another feel good without making yourself feel bad, but some spouses think that it's a zero-sum game.

Bro rhys, thank you. Every relationship start off the same way, like you said,

"relationships are based on mutual satisfaction of desires and also the mutual exploitation of each other to satisfy each's needs"

It can be applied to friendship, boy-girl relationship, kinship and man & wife relationship. This is human instinct, animals also have the same instinct to a certain extent. To me, True Love is only true love when it transcend what you've quoted. Otherwise, it can always be broken by individual selfish desires i.e. one person leaves the relationship by his own choice.

When our woman finds it unnecessary to stroke your ego, assuming ego is your priority desire, that is becos she hasn't submit to you. In this perspective, I believe you understood the 'desire' part, but I need to reiterate the 'submission' part.

Let's see a reverse scenario. Assuming your spouse's priority desire is pride. (That of cos, you must make sure you read it correctly) Pride makes people chase after status, and they built a layer of false confidence over possession. If so, you have 2 choices, beat her down until she lower all her desires and submit to you (mentioned in my earlier post), or satisfy her priority desire. Satisfying pride is simple, buy her branded gifts, bring her to good restaurants, make her shine in front of her friends. But when you do that, just maintain your normal posture and stance, dun ever give the feeling that you are repaying her anything. By being neutral, you are giving her, not repaying. There can be 2 outcomes from this, first, you train her to be dependant (rely) on you for pride, second, you make her suspect your intention. If she suspect, you know this is not the priority desire i.e. you shoot wrong hole liao.

Assuming that you are correct, then you can slowly reduce the feeding part except those basic ones (means less costly ones ah) and start to want something back. To want something back, arrangement for an occasion and tell her what you expect of her. If she does wrong, tell her straight. Your occasion can be dinner with friends, or something as simple as a conversation. This requires you to take a stronger stance and make sure you get what you want else you dun let go. Like training a dog. With her reliance on you, she will submit, so dun worry. But of cos, dun push the limit too much for each occasion la, else you become tyrant of the living room, lord of the flies. There can be many many occasions for you to train her, but keep feeding her priority desire. Its a stamina game, man. Sooner or later, everything she does is to your satis.

Make sure you do the above only AFTER you discover your own priority desire. Once you train her to satisfy your priority desire, you can't find any reason or excuse to leave her liao. And she, the same. Maybe until another person can satisfy more la.

The above applies to normal relationships, in this context is BGR or husband-wife relationship. A player does it differently cos its a much shorter cycle. I hope I hadn't reveal too much cos if your wife is looking, bichak lobang liaos. :p

[ekemono]

buy her branded gifts, bring her to good restaurants, make her shine in front of her friends.

what about poor ass like me? stand one side, no need to talk so much? :p

[colins]

what about poor ass like me? stand one side, no need to talk so much? :p

You can do what the rest of us poor fuck do, beat down all her other desires. ;)

[casannova03]

So to conclude this, sorry bros I know it is messy, desires create the need to submit, to rely. If a man knows how to control it, the people around him gets a lot of joy and a good life. If he doesn't, his woman better satisfy his priority desire and make him submit to her. All these are vice versa, man also need to satisfied his woman the same way.

Thanks for reading.

Bro...seriously you never consider getting a Master's in psychology???hahahaha... damn good la you.....

Just put in a few more powerful english words and expand for another 6-7 paragraphs then can submit as thesis liao...

hahaha.... great thoughts and analysis there!!!;)

[colins]

Bro...seriously you never consider getting a Master's in psychology???hahahaha... damn good la you.....

Just put in a few more powerful english words and expand for another 6-7 paragraphs then can submit as thesis liao...

hahaha.... great thoughts and analysis there!!!;)

Paiseh, those words are No Action Talk Only. Hope it helps everyone here and feel free to challenge it.

The thing is, once you start to examine the number of desires in people you have met and know for your lifetime, you will find that our world is actually pretty ugly. :o

[casannova03]

Absolutely correct!!

[aces68]

The topic is : To walk out of a relationship before going into another...

bro, ekemono, I will always remember that you gave me the same advice during my confused state of mind..;)
I for one do agree as I found it very difficult and taxing to be involved in more than one relationship at the same time.

....

Make sure you do the above only AFTER you discover your own priority desire. Once you train her to satisfy your priority desire, you can't find any reason or excuse to leave her liao. And she, the same. Maybe until another person can satisfy more la. . :p

bro colins, very very insightful and thought-provoking.
Do you have a list of women's typical priority desire ?
I think I need some help to figure out what is my OC's priority desire..:o

[porscheclub]

Thanks for reading.

A good read indeed. So, are you a satisfied man? :p

[porscheclub]

The topic is : To walk out of a relationship before going into another

This discussion obviously does not apply to ONS, flings, and eat out, but it is about managing relationships in our life with a spouse or a lover. I have read and heard folks that got involved with someone new deeply before they walk away from the current one. I for one, do not approve of it.

Using me as a live specimen. I do concur that you DO NOT walk into a relationship without leaving the other. It's far too painful & troublesome for everyone involved, that is if you are for real because there are many (both sexes) who loves double or multi-timing while some derives fun out of it.

Relationship & love are complicated affairs, what am I to comment? I'm still learning. :o

[colins]

bro colins, very very insightful and thought-provoking.
Do you have a list of women's typical priority desire ?
I think I need some help to figure out what is my OC's priority desire..:o

A list hmmmm.... basically everything on the list of the seven + two sins.


A good read indeed. So, are you a satisfied man? :p

I dun think anyone can truly be satisfied. The idea is in looking at the part which you are not satisfied and find out if you are looking at something beyond your control. If so, life will just be one wild goose chase!

[aces68]

A list hmmmm.... basically everything on the list of the seven + two sins.

Are you referring to the following list of seven :-
1. Lust
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Sloth
5. Wrath
6. Envy
7. Pride

From my limited knowledge, all seven are considered as sins in Christianity. What would be the other 2 sins ?

[colins]

Are you referring to the following list of seven :-
1. Lust
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Sloth
5. Wrath
6. Envy
7. Pride

From my limited knowledge, all seven are considered as sins in Christianity. What would be the other 2 sins ?

I found the enneagram more applicable as it attaches psychology in explaining our behaviours and it is not skewed towards any religious teachings. Personally I do not like to discuss religion in the forum.

The other 2 are fear and deceit. Fear means undue excessive avoidance, amounting to paranoia while deceit is more towards a wrongful protrayal of self intending to mislead others. To appreciate these 2, you have to first understand the difference between the seven sins in its religious context and in the enneagram of personality context. BTW, the enneagram was written more than 2 thousand years BC by the greeks.

[aces68]

I found the enneagram more applicable as it attaches psychology in explaining our behaviours and it is not skewed towards any religious teachings. Personally I do not like to discuss religion in the forum.

The other 2 are fear and deceit. Fear means undue excessive avoidance, amounting to paranoia while deceit is more towards a wrongful protrayal of self intending to mislead others. To appreciate these 2, you have to first understand the difference between the seven sins in its religious context and in the enneagram of personality context. BTW, the enneagram was written more than 2 thousand years BC by the greeks.

Basically, I have no intention to bring up religion as well.
Actually, I only recalled the list of seven based on the Brad Pitt movie "Seven"..;)

Now, I am getting more confused..I need to google what is an enneagram..:p

[Reaper]

The thing is, once you start to examine the number of desires in people you have met and know for your lifetime, you will find that our world is actually pretty ugly. :o

Colins,

Our world is not pretty ugly, it is VERY VERY ugly.

Now I am really really intrested to read a woman's point of view.

BTW, what Aces should be looking for is Enneagram of Personality. It refers to 9 basic / commonly found personalities in humans and how they interact with each other.

[colins]

Colins,

Our world is not pretty ugly, it is VERY VERY ugly.

Now I am really really intrested to read a woman's point of view.

BTW, what Aces should be looking for is Enneagram of Personality. It refers to 9 basic / commonly found personalities in humans and how they interact with each other.

Actually, I dun quite encourage the full adoption of the 9 types of personalities as a basis of judgement cos it bears too much inclination towards stereotyping our neighbours. I've tried that myself but either I am too dull headed or my understand of the 9 sins/desires is too superficial. As a guide yes, but you must have a very advanced understanding how desires work first.

The 9 sins/desires is a basis (or universal characteristics) to judge any person simply becos every man is a sinner. Nobody can cannot fault this logic, so it is a good place to start. The combinations of sins/desires to form typical personalities ease the way to swiftly understand man's tendencies, with the setback of over-reliance on those personalities, resulting in overlooking the elements of sins/desires. As such, its application can be easily skewed towards judging others while forgeting that main purpose of understanding all about sins and desires, is to look inwards onto ourselves and start our own self improvement.

Only a very very enlightened person can use the 9 personalities for a basis to judge others, otherwise it is very dangerous to us as individual becos it will feed our sins more i.e. pride (excessively in attaining the ability and false confidence gained after we judge others) envy (seeing a more enlightened person) and deceit (wanting to conceal and 'look away' from our own sins by forcibly adopting other personalities).

As a summary, I would say just look at the description of sins from both spiritual (Christianity) and socio-psychology context. Good enough to apply but we need to be very sensitive and honest to ourselves. For example, a proud person cannot see pride in others, a greedy person thinks greed is justifiable.

[Reaper]

Actually, I dun quite encourage the full adoption of the 9 types of personalities as a basis of judgement cos it bears too much inclination towards stereotyping our neighbours. I've tried that myself but either I am too dull headed or my understand of the 9 sins/desires is too superficial. As a guide yes, but you must have a very advanced understanding how desires work first.

I personally feel you are already on the way to attain "enlightenment" because you are able to write the above statement.

Oh and do trust me, I do not adopt it because I feel it takes out that "spark" in life and makes everything very very bleak.

PS: The only reason I mentioned it was because I had to look briefly into it due to the nature of my work.....

[colins]

I personally feel you are already on the way to attain "enlightenment" because you are able to write the above statement.

Oh and do trust me, I do not adopt it because I feel it takes out that "spark" in life and makes everything very very bleak.

PS: The only reason I mentioned it was because I had to look briefly into it due to the nature of my work.....

Well, bleak is good. hahaha...cos we actually expect things based on bottomlines and a good bottomline is a low one. Less hope and everything becomes a bonus. And it keeps logic in check as well, you use logic to decide things rather than hope. From that bottomline of expectation to our line of requirement, everything in between is our effort. Like that, you can break away from sins/desires and focus on achieving real gain without falling into false confidence.

I like to think of enlightenment as a process. It happens to everyone of us in every moment as long as we continue to breathe. Cheers bro, thanks for clarifying. ;)