Need help in dealing with a very painful Divorce.

[lancer76]

Bros...... Am going thru a very very hard time because we see that the marriage is going nowhere.. But thank god we don't have any kids. It's still very hurting i've never felt this lost in my entire life..... i can't concentrate on anything at all... just felt this numbness and totally blank in my mind.... lost....

[gertt234]

Hi Bro,

Just a few Q's for you.

1. Why do you feel the relationship is going nowhere?
2. Have you gone for counseling?

If you know the answer for question 1, then you should try to motivate yourself to fix the problem. Most of the time, the typical answer will be no more spark. But spark is ownself create one.

As for #2, please get urself a good counselor. Mine wasn't good.

I've been thru a divorce as well. And like you, thank goodness we didn't have kids. Now we are good pals though.

It's not easy going through a divorce. If you have friends to talk to, talk to them, listen to their comments. But ALWAYS REMEMBER NOT TO LET THEM INFLUENCE YOUR DECISION!!!

Wish you all the best.

Regards,

[lancer76]

yeah... been thru counselling..... mine fucked up too... worst thing is that friends that i can talk to..... are dead... the rest are just... nvm.... so now am totally lost. What did you do to get your mind off the problem at that time?

I've lost my job because of this... so it adds to the stress...... fuck man i've been in alot of fucked up situations before but nothing top this... never felt this lost in my life.. for now life just suck BIG TIME.

[JoySeeker]

just curious, wat actually where wrong?? although my wife n myself do sometime quarrel...we tend to stop talking to each other for a few days to let ourselves cool down before starting communication again...maybe character plays a veri big part but it's up to each individual to actually feel wat they wan in a relationship...hope u get over soon...

[colins]

hey man, stay cool. Divorce can never be smooth, any relationship coming to an end is always painful.

Lets meet next week when I am back in town?

[lancer76]

Thanks for the concern bros. Sure collins will pm you my contacts.

Bro Joyseeker... tell you the truth i really don't know. But i guess it's because i'm the kinda guy who keeps stress and shit i encounter at work to myself most of the time as i feel that it's unnesscery to add to her own stress.. well and she feels that she's a big burden to me as i've given up alot friends and thus burned alot of bridges as my formal job is very risky and dangerous. Which explain why i don't have any friends that i will wanna talk to them about this....

i wanted to give ourselves another chance.... but she insist that it's no point.... well.... tell you the truth i've always kinda felt that we got married because we were good friends for a very long time. so it kinda like a natural thing to do.... and i trust her enough to believe her that it's not due to a 3rd party.

Call me anything you want but i rather not knowing if it's due to a 3rd party because very very bad things will happen to him..

Shit man.. i feel so trapped in the house now. and i sure as hell not gonna go out by myself to drink coz i dunno what's gonna happen if i lose it. What's worst is that i've not drank for almost 3 yrs liao... i know i'm gonna get wasted the moment i drink....

But don't worry bros i'm the kinda guy who don't believe in sucide. It's the dumbest thing and a cowards way of running away from problems. i rather face it head-on than run away..

But can't help feeling lost and life really suck right now.

[jojogigi]

Thanks for the concern bros. Sure collins will pm you my contacts.

Bro Joyseeker... tell you the truth i really don't know. But i guess it's because i'm the kinda guy who keeps stress and shit i encounter at work to myself most of the time as i feel that it's unnesscery to add to her own stress.. well and she feels that she's a big burden to me as i've given up alot friends and thus burned alot of bridges as my formal job is very risky and dangerous. Which explain why i don't have any friends that i will wanna talk to them about this....

i wanted to give ourselves another chance.... but she insist that it's no point.... well.... tell you the truth i've always kinda felt that we got married because we were good friends for a very long time. so it kinda like a natural thing to do.... and i trust her enough to believe her that it's not due to a 3rd party.

Call me anything you want but i rather not knowing if it's due to a 3rd party because very very bad things will happen to him..

Shit man.. i feel so trapped in the house now. and i sure as hell not gonna go out by myself to drink coz i dunno what's gonna happen if i lose it. What's worst is that i've not drank for almost 3 yrs liao... i know i'm gonna get wasted the moment i drink....

But don't worry bros i'm the kinda guy who don't believe in sucide. It's the dumbest thing and a cowards way of running away from problems. i rather face it head-on than run away..

But can't help feeling lost and life really suck right now.

Letting go is the hardest. The only way is go look for someone else. Go out meet more girls... ladies... don't feel like.. also go... cos u won't know if you find someone again.

if you don't let go.... everyday continues to feel like hell.

[gertt234]

Hi Bro,

Mine is a slightly longer story than yours but I won't highjack your thread. :)

Anyways, after a wife and a girlfriend, I too was down in the dumps.

And I am an anti-social person too.

Being horny (after suppressing it for so many years), I decided to surf SBF again and start cheonging. On my 3 or 4 gal, I got to know this gal and then somehow promise to go BKK to look for her.

My purpose of the BKK trip was to meet her and also visit 4 face buddha. Long story short, I had a nice time in BKK and when I came back, I had a sudden motivation to change my life.

I have since visited 3 fortune tellers to seek answers to certain queries that I have so that I can put them behind me. And also seek their advice on how I can "improve" my "kiam cai mia" (literal translation from hokkien - salted veg life). Why I see 3 fortune tellers? I was a non believer for many years and also good fortune tellers are hard to find.

I've also started exercising and going out ALONE to shop and watch movies. I make it a point to think positively. Lately I've also met up with friends that I was close to previously to restart my social circle.

From my own lesson, I derive the follow for myself and

1. Try to find motivation again.
2. Go do the things that you couldn't do when married.
3. Find yourself (I still trying)
4. Make peace with yourself (I still trying)
5. Make new friends
6. Divorce should not be a stigma. I've started letting my friends know that I am divorced (though I think they guess long ago)
7. Catch up with old friends u have not seen in a while
8. Take a vacation
9. Learn a new skill
10. Pick up a hobby

Bro, picking up the pieces is hard. No matter how much advice people can give, you must want to pick up the pieces. I am still picking up the pieces and praying hard that my motivation to change myself does not waiver. Having people to talk to helps.

FYI, took me quite a while due to certain reasons. But after almost 3 years, I am currently on talking terms with my ex-wife and she like a good buddy right now.

One more thing. DON'T TALK TO NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!! Coz it will make you more negative. (I know coz I am a negative person trying to become more positive)

I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery.

[lancer76]

Really appreciate the advice from all you bros. Thanks

I went down to Clark Quey last night alone trying to relax.. i found out that i've gotten very shy i dare not to look at ladies in the eyes even though i notice a few were looking at me(maybe i look depress or something.) after so many years or being married... Damn.

Any bros wanna go out tomorrow night for tcss light drinking? Need to get my mind off this situation. What better place to find new friends than here?

[pewpew]

Take good care for yourself and i believe its time to face the new surrounding, new friends and new world.

Yes its sad but remember, no matter how u blame yourself since things is happening but to accept it.

[qwerty66]

Hi bro. Reading your post, i got a question. Have you actually TALK to your wife? Your problem, her problem, whatever both of you was holding back...

There dont seems to be any big problem with you two. Over the years you must have taken each other for granted. Nothing is free.
In marriage, both party have to work hard to make it happen.
Need two hand to clap.

Communication is the key. Although you think you have make the better decision not discuss about your problem at work. Is that the only issue you avoid? It is just only work and not your life. Think about it.
Why you choose you wife in the first place? Where is the fire now?
Try to start dating your wife again and create a more enjoyable environment. It will bring back some life into the marriage.

Sad to see that you seem to have give up and want to find new target. Is it so easy to get a new love and lose the one you are holding? What next if the next one dont work out again? Have you learn where it goes wrong in the first place?

I have learn the hard way. Lost one who have really share difficult times with me. But i was living a dream then and not realise the meaning of giving. Love should never being the one to receive. We have to share, give and forgive in time of good or bad. Dont expect 1 plus 1 should be 2 in love. Always give more.

She was choosen by you to be love and have you not promise to keep her company till the end of time? Remember of all the good time both of you have spend together? Does it not rekindler your love for her?

Since nothing bad have happen. Better put in your best effort to fire up the flame again. Where is the fuel the love require? It's all up to you. Your move.

[lancer76]

Hi bro. Reading your post, i got a question. Have you actually TALK to your wife? Your problem, her problem, whatever both of you was holding back...

There dont seems to be any big problem with you two. Over the years you must have taken each other for granted. Nothing is free.
In marriage, both party have to work hard to make it happen.
Need two hand to clap.

Communication is the key. Although you think you have make the better decision not discuss about your problem at work. Is that the only issue you avoid? It is just only work and not your life. Think about it.
Why you choose you wife in the first place? Where is the fire now?
Try to start dating your wife again and create a more enjoyable environment. It will bring back some life into the marriage.

Sad to see that you seem to have give up and want to find new target. Is it so easy to get a new love and lose the one you are holding? What next if the next one dont work out again? Have you learn where it goes wrong in the first place?

I have learn the hard way. Lost one who have really share difficult times with me. But i was living a dream then and not realise the meaning of giving. Love should never being the one to receive. We have to share, give and forgive in time of good or bad. Dont expect 1 plus 1 should be 2 in love. Always give more.

She was choosen by you to be love and have you not promise to keep her company till the end of time? Remember of all the good time both of you have spend together? Does it not rekindler your love for her?

Since nothing bad have happen. Better put in your best effort to fire up the flame again. Where is the fuel the love require? It's all up to you. Your move.

Bro.. I believe that communication is important. She knows about my deepest darkest secret that no body in this world exept those who were involved in it. I know now that it's all my fault because we went thru alot of problems for the past few years all cause by me. I was having alot of problems with flashbacks and she was the only one who stand by me and the pillar that gave me all the moral support during those horrible time. I tried to tell her as much as i can.

i guess i was like you living in a dream and dun realise to give... Took her for granted. But i've realise that just last month and have been trying to correct that. But she told me she lost the feeling already and not willing to give it another go. well... i should have told her of all the plans that i have in our life. but i wanted those to be a surprise to her. She told me she will not give me another chance even if i were to 'chase' her again. Because she realise that we are good friends but not suitable for eachother...

I'm actually planning to wait for awhile longer than launch operation 'Wife Chaser'(lame name i know) but i'm not giving up bro. i believe that if she's willing to marry me once she'll always have feelings for me. Well i need to show her my old self again which was a fun-loving, easy-going, happy-go-lucky guy that was me.

After this incident i've come to realise she is the most important person in my life and i really love her, it's just that i don't know how to express my love to her. I really suck at that... But i've always shown her how much i appreciate her by doing little things for her that she'll notice.

Thanks for reconfirming what i believe bro. Wish me luck in my future operations.

[DL2UHI]

Hi Bro,

Sorry to hear that u r going through a bad patch. From personal experience, just as we fal in love, we do fall out of love if we dont watch it. The same daily experience of the same day in and day out can be taxing and kill off the spark that puts u both together in the first place.
I hope that there is no third party on your part or ur other half. If there is things are a lot harder. But it is still up to u even if there is.
I too fell out of love after 9 years of marriage, reach the point of walking out , was frightened by the thought that one can actually fall out of love. Took me nine months to find back the feeling. 5 years ago, she became a cancer survivoe, 5years later which is now after 21 years of marraige, i am very much still in love with her. We are friends as well as husband and wife.

U will probably have to work out through the emotions of anger, depressoion, hurt,etc b4 finding acceptance(not necessary a divorce) and knows what to do.
Work it out. Recognise that it hurts and its ok to hurt. recognsing the hurt makes it easier, recognising the other emotions that comes with it makes it easier. If u are able to come to the point u feel that u are watching yourself go through the process as though u are an observer, u will then be ready to deal with it better.
Physically u may want to hit the gym and not the bottle too much. Work out the anger, u will be surprised at how much stamina u have from the pent up feelings. If u need to shout do so, cry? do it. Work it out.
Take care bro.

[xyz1001]

TS,

Just some thoughts that came to my mind after reading your post.

Women do not always mean what they said, at least not as direct as men. Sometimes, they will choose to run away, let go but is hoping that u will hold on and be there. Their lack of security and confidence cause them to take this gamble.

I'm not sure what is your wife like, but i do hope that she has some good frens. Seems to me that she is passing through one stage of life. Hopefully, her frens can talk sense to her. Somehow there are things that husband and wife cannot talk abt as she may take it personnel, and refuse to hear.

So TS, wish u luck in ur operation Wife Chaser. When u have succeed, think abt your very first post 'we see that the marriage is going nowhere.. But thank god we don't have any kids' :)

[SaD:(]

Hi Bros Lancer76

I don't think i am able to advice you more on the marriage matter.

Try not to keep yourself alone; i believe the right now your heart is hurting. Do something that will keep your mind free for a moment. e.g. cycling at east coast alone, asked some friend to meet up drink coffee...

The more you are alone the worst you might be. Depression. Try to avoid such time to be alone. Watching too much DVD or TV will not help. Cos sometime, the movie that you watch will recall the same scenario of what happen to you and partner before.

Take care, sun will shine after the rain.
:)

[ace7788]

Hi TS

Maybe you can let us know what sort of advice & assistance you need. I had been through a divorce once (dun think I will wish to go through it again), and I understand the agony and the immense mental torture.

Seriously, we can't offer you a fast solution, but what we can offer are some advice to ease your pain and smoothen the legal process.

Also, try to keep a clear and open mind, and avoid getting too emotional if there is no light out of this tunnel now. You can first tell your ex-spouse that "let's complete the legal process peacefully and we could continue as friend when it ends." & "otherwise, we will erase all good memories we share & leave ourselves with anger & frustration".

If you can accommodate her request, do it then.

[sammyboyfor]

I don't think i am able to advice you more on the marriage matter.



Should be "I don't think I am able to ADVISE you....".

"Advice" is a noun.

[onegoal]

Bro.. I believe that communication is important. She knows about my deepest darkest secret that no body in this world exept those who were involved in it. I know now that it's all my fault because we went thru alot of problems for the past few years all cause by me. I was having alot of problems with flashbacks and she was the only one who stand by me and the pillar that gave me all the moral support during those horrible time. I tried to tell her as much as i can.

i guess i was like you living in a dream and dun realise to give... Took her for granted. But i've realise that just last month and have been trying to correct that. But she told me she lost the feeling already and not willing to give it another go. well... i should have told her of all the plans that i have in our life. but i wanted those to be a surprise to her. She told me she will not give me another chance even if i were to 'chase' her again. Because she realise that we are good friends but not suitable for eachother...

I'm actually planning to wait for awhile longer than launch operation 'Wife Chaser'(lame name i know) but i'm not giving up bro. i believe that if she's willing to marry me once she'll always have feelings for me. Well i need to show her my old self again which was a fun-loving, easy-going, happy-go-lucky guy that was me.

After this incident i've come to realise she is the most important person in my life and i really love her, it's just that i don't know how to express my love to her. I really suck at that... But i've always shown her how much i appreciate her by doing little things for her that she'll notice.

Thanks for reconfirming what i believe bro. Wish me luck in my future operations.


Dont be sad, life has to go on.
Win her back if you think there is a good future between the 2 of you.
Btw, i believe in fortune telling or chinese horoscope.
Go and seek one for alternative advice as well.
It'll help somehow also.

I hope things will turn out well.

[aces68]

bro lancer76,

From your postings, I can't judge whether you are divorced or in the process of divorce or thinking about divorce. To be frank, each person has their own problems and circumstances vary from others.

In my case, I contemplated divorce once but recently after some enlightenment, I decided to change everything and try to re-discover our love and salvage our marriage..I am still trying.

If you want to chat and TCSS, PM me.

[FL Lover]

bro lancer76,

From your postings, I can't judge whether you are divorced or in the process of divorce or thinking about divorce. To be frank, each person has their own problems and circumstances vary from others.

In my case, I contemplated divorce once but recently after some enlightenment, I decided to change everything and try to re-discover our love and salvage our marriage..I am still trying.

If you want to chat and TCSS, PM me.


TS, maybe you should ask yourself why does your marriage fails? Did you neglect your wife too much? A woman heart does not change easily unless you have did something to hurt her...

Real life story. My marriage used to be on the rock. Divorce is on the card in fact. I did ask myself at that point y does my marriage breaking apart and I realise most of the time, its my fault.

What I did, I rediscover our love and salvage my marriage for the sack of my children.... Now I am happily living with the woman I love and everything is stable....

Maybe its time you should do that... We guys have to make the first move always.

[lancer76]

i'm in the process of getting a divorce. i know it's my fault because i've grown so used to her as we were very good friends before we got married, took her for granted for too long and this is the end result.. i do not want to get a divorce but she's very firm on it. I've never seen her like that at all dat's why i'm lost right now but since we've not seen any lawyer yet i'm letting her kinda cool off for a week or 2 than i'll start my operation. So i hope i'll succeed wish me luck. I really do not want to lose this marriage. wish me luck bros.

Thanks for all the advise from you guys. Really appreciate it.

[ShittyAss]

After this incident i've come to realise she is the most important person in my life and i really love her, it's just that i don't know how to express my love to her. I really suck at that... But i've always shown her how much i appreciate her by doing little things for her that she'll notice.

Thanks for reconfirming what i believe bro. Wish me luck in my future operations.

This ONLY shows u are still emotionally attached to her. Not that after this incident and u realise blah blah blah and how impt she is and those shit....u r just telling urself that she is ur impt one......i hav read thru ur story and replies by bros....

But..sorry to say this bro...forget it...she is not a willing party to reconcile with u. Ur story earlier tells me so.

Love need not be express. Express and action is simply to show ur presence. If she understands u, she will feel ur love. Yes..little things and stuff...but at this stage, sorry she cant remember single shit. U can do all that u want now, and i bet with u to my last dollar, she dun care a single bit at all. Try it and tell me how many times u will smack the wall.

Hope u can make it by waking up...and not pinning a slightest hope of getting back to her.

[ShittyAss]

bro lancer76,

In my case, I contemplated divorce once but recently after some enlightenment, I decided to change everything and try to re-discover our love and salvage our marriage..I am still trying.

If you want to chat and TCSS, PM me.

Good for u as salvaging is a two way things. Good luck!!

But seems to me that lancer76 is on a one way traffic while his partner is on a runaway train!

[ShittyAss]

TS, maybe you should ask yourself why does your marriage fails? Did you neglect your wife too much? A woman heart does not change easily unless you have did something to hurt her...

Real life story. My marriage used to be on the rock. Divorce is on the card in fact. I did ask myself at that point y does my marriage breaking apart and I realise most of the time, its my fault.

What I did, I rediscover our love and salvage my marriage for the sack of my children.... Now I am happily living with the woman I love and everything is stable....

Maybe its time you should do that... We guys have to make the first move always.

Bro..like i mentioned earlier to other bros....its a two way traffic...rediscover ur love must ur partner allow and wants to rediscover with u dio bo?

U can do all tat u one, but if she bo chap and made her mind, u think u can make it to the end of the tunnel?

I can safely say out of 10marriage, easily 8 marriages are the guys wanting to salvage lst. 1 marriage will be mutual agreement to part...1 marriage will be request salvage from the ger side.

And with 8 marriage with 1st request from the guy...can easily say ALL guys
cannot face the fact. They did not think thru and chin chat just request for reconcilation lst then say later about other things. During nego time, the gers can ask for the sky and the guys can easily promise lst and then to burst later again.

When a marriage is on a rock, its always two parties at fault. Its never one party's fault.

[ShittyAss]

i'm in the process of getting a divorce. i know it's my fault because i've grown so used to her as we were very good friends before we got married, took her for granted for too long and this is the end result.. i do not want to get a divorce but she's very firm on it. I've never seen her like that at all dat's why i'm lost right now but since we've not seen any lawyer yet i'm letting her kinda cool off for a week or 2 than i'll start my operation. So i hope i'll succeed wish me luck. I really do not want to lose this marriage. wish me luck bros.

Thanks for all the advise from you guys. Really appreciate it.

Sorry to hear this bro...but u have fallen into the typical trap of getting married. The stats of divorce cases are rising yearly though marriage yearly is as much as well.

U married for the wrong reason, very good friends. Of cos there are couples whom are very good friends turn out to have a happy ending as well. But majority doesnt.

Let her cool off is a good thing. But since u said she is firm, u have to and must move on. U dun have a choice. Being despo / down / depress / sad / give up life, does not help her to come back. And all ur actions, she cant be bothered to take a second view.

[ShittyAss]

Hi Bros Lancer76

I don't think i am able to advice you more on the marriage matter.

Try not to keep yourself alone; i believe the right now your heart is hurting. Do something that will keep your mind free for a moment. e.g. cycling at east coast alone, asked some friend to meet up drink coffee...

The more you are alone the worst you might be. Depression. Try to avoid such time to be alone. Watching too much DVD or TV will not help. Cos sometime, the movie that you watch will recall the same scenario of what happen to you and partner before.

Take care, sun will shine after the rain.
:)

To brosad and brolance76, tough moment dun last forever...tough guys last a lifetime...

[sammyboyfor]

Thanks for all the advise from you guys. Really appreciate it.

Should be "Thanks for all the ADVICE from you guys.".

"Advise" is a verb.

[gertt234]

Should be "Thanks for all the ADVICE from you guys.".

"Advise" is a verb.

Wow, seems like your objective in life is to find all the word "Advise" in this forum and correct it to "Advice". :p

[DTCEPL]

I really do not want to lose this marriage.

A couple gets married due to Yin Yuan.....Yin Guo, through many past lives it is build (teaching in Buddhism I guess, with my limited understands).

Do what you need and could to savage back your marriage, but be prepared to let go the past if things cannot be helped or saved. Your life could be miserable in the beginning, but don't do anything to hurt her or yourself, just let the incident goes through time, time will numbed your heart and the incident will soon be placed in a part of your mind far away and soon becomes history.

Avoid movies, songs, places that reminds you of the past relationship, don't keep holding on to it or have any hopes (hopes only disappoints a man), keep yourself busy with work (get a job), do things that you like that occupied ALL your time.

Way to go Bro, you can walk out of it, time will prove just that.

[qwerty66]

Bro. even if you are in the process of divorce. There is a three year seperation before the papers are final.

During this time. Give some space for each other but REMEMBER to make your present felt. Dont disappear from her life. Else you make the mistake of giving her the impression that you have given up on the relationship. Make changes to your life where you think you have err. It is also good improvement to yourself. Go on and live your life but dont commit to another relationship unless you want to give up this one.

Call or SMS her time and again. A good day here and have a nice day there. It sound nice and caring. She may not agreed at first, just keep it up and be casual in the message. After a period of cooling off. Try to date her again. Should work. You have won her heart before. Do it agian bro. All the best.;)

[0939]

Bro Lancer, you have fucked up your marriage.
You never tell us what have you done to your wife that warrant a divorce.
I am sure your dark secret have hurt badly.
Your only hope is to kneel down before her and cry, if you want to save it.

[lancer76]

Thanks bros for all the advice. I have more or less made up my mind what to do. So it's more like trying to get this thing outta my mind and am gonna embark on a quest of finding back my old-self.

Hey bro colins n DYBJ, I've found the name of obi wan's master. it's 'Qui-Gon Jinn' :D

[goodfun]

hi bros hw to go through a divorce? look for lawyer first to draft documents or go councellor? or go where register? thanks :confused:

[colins]

Thanks bros for all the advice. I have more or less made up my mind what to do. So it's more like trying to get this thing outta my mind and am gonna embark on a quest of finding back my old-self.

Hey bro colins n DYBJ, I've found the name of obi wan's master. it's 'Qui-Gon Jinn' :D

Ah...Kuai Gone Gin, wonder where yoda has Gone to?
haha thanks!

[Lenova]

Thanks bros for all the advice. I have more or less made up my mind what to do. So it's more like trying to get this thing outta my mind and am gonna embark on a quest of finding back my old-self.

Hey bro colins n DYBJ, I've found the name of obi wan's master. it's 'Qui-Gon Jinn' :D

Hope you can get well:)

[MoonBlaze]

Hi TS, as much as you want to savage your marriage with your wife, there are 2 very important things you should address to

1) There is no third party or someone waiting at the sideline for your wife
If there are ppl or guy interested in her giving her support to end the marriage, it will make your task even more difficult.
I am not trying to made you paranoid, but it is important.
Whatever one do, one need to know what's out there against your odds
Making sure of this will make your task a bit easier.

2) Do some deep self searching on why exactly your wife is not giving it another go for the marriage. Is it that you hurt her too much too deeply?
You must find out what those are and ask yourself if you will avoid repeating the same mistakes in the future if both of you eventually get back again together. Able to avoid hurting her again and you can try to assure her how you intend to change into a better man as you appreciate her and only want the better you for her.

Do give her a bit of time to cool down. Some times, in the her state of feeling hopelessness in the marriage, she will just simply close the door on you and say no, no matter how hard you try.

Wish you luck and last to add is that as long as you think that you had tried harder enough, and that the result does not go your way as you wished for, perhaps its time to let go.