Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[CNY_OX09]

Santa took his dog to the vet for its annual check-up.
"Your dog is overweight," the doc said.
"You should cut back on his food a little and make sure the dog gets some exercise.
Just try playing fetch with him."
"That's impossible," Santa replied.
"I can't play fetch with my dog."
"Why not?" asked the vet.
"He can't throw", Santa said.

[CNY_OX09]

Question: What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
Answer: It's Christmas, Eve!

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.

Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.

[CNY_OX09]

It was nearing Christmas and three brothers decided to write their annual letters to Santa.

The youngest brother was 5. He wrote: "Dear Santa, I have been a very good boy this year and I didn't get everything I wanted last year. But I have been very, very good and I hope you will bring the rest this year."

The second youngest brother was 7. He wrote: " Dear Santa, I have been a very good boy this year. I would really like a remote control car. Please, bring one for me this year."

The oldest brother was 9. He was not quite sure he believed in Santa anymore. Walking home from school, thinking what to write, he passed a church. Sitting outside the church was a miniature statue of Mary. The boy quickly stuffed the statue in his backpack and hurried home. When he go there he began writing his letter. He wrote: " Dear Jesus, if you ever expect to see your mother again...."

[CNY_OX09]

An irsh man was in a pub and he got very drunk. So he stumbled outside and passed out on the grass. Two women walk past him one leans over to her friends and whispers: "I wonder what is under an irish man's kilt." So they tip toe over and lift his kilt. He was wearing nothing at all they. Filled with giggles, one whispered: "How should we tell him we saw this beauty?" In reply the other girl pulls a blue ribbon from her hair and ties it under his kilt.

They leave and a few hours later he wakes up and has to go, so he lifts his kilt and spots the blue ribbon and he says: "I dont know where you've been or what you've been doing but at least you won fist prize."

[splicer]

They had a teacher and students in a classroom...the teacher stands up and asks: "If you consider yourself stupid please stand up!" So one student stands up, then the teacher asks him: "Why do you consider yourself stupid?" The student answered: "I don't consider myself stupid, I just can't stand seeing you standing up."

[splicer]

It was nearing Christmas and three brothers decided to write their annual letters to Santa.

The youngest brother was 5. He wrote: "Dear Santa, I have been a very good boy this year and I didn't get everything I wanted last year. But I have been very, very good and I hope you will bring the rest this year."

The second youngest brother was 7. He wrote: " Dear Santa, I have been a very good boy this year. I would really like a remote control car. Please, bring one for me this year."

The oldest brother was 9. He was not quite sure he believed in Santa anymore. Walking home from school, thinking what to write, he passed a church. Sitting outside the church was a miniature statue of Mary. The boy quickly stuffed the statue in his backpack and hurried home. When he go there he began writing his letter. He wrote: " Dear Jesus, if you ever expect to see your mother again...."

[magixskin]

Twenty Management Styles

1) MANAGING BY WALKING FASTER THAN THE EMPLOYEES These kind of managers you will always see in the corridor, ten steps away. "We'll have to talk" you can hear them say, just as they have disappeared around the corner.

2) MANAGING BY STARING OUT OF THE WINDOW These managers you usually meet with their backside faced to you with their hands in their pockets. When you talk to them, their thoughts keep staring out of the windows.

3) MANAGING BY POST-ITS® Some managers forget everything. They want to impress you with their 'busy'ness by continuously writing on Post-Its® while you are talking.

4) MANAGING BY DELEGATION TO THE SECRETARY These managers just delegate everything to the secretary.

5) MANAGING BY KNOWING NOTHING These managers don't really know anything at all. They let YOU give answers. Meanwhile they fill the time with irrelevant anecdotes.

6) MANAGING BY CONCEPTUAL THINKING These people try to explain the present from a theoretical view of the far future. The idea that this never will work, completely satisfies them. They will always have something to talk about.

7) MANAGING BY HIDING INFORMATION Information hiders are aware of the market value of strictly secret kept information. You must be very thankful to get any information at all.

8) MANAGING BY DOING EXACTLY WHAT THE BOSS SAYS These managers prevent their bosses from creative thinking. Else they have more work to do.

9) MANAGING BY WALKING ONE FOOT BEHIND THE BOSS In hierarchical organizations you can watch those groups walking in the corridor. The more equal managers are directly followed by the lesser equal managers, and so on.

10) MANAGING BY SMILING AND WEARING NICE SUITS If you drink beer with them, lunch with them, smile to them and also wear nice suits, nothing can stop your carreer anymore.

11) MANAGING BY STUDYING Despite their continual attendances of all kind of studies and congresses, they still belong to category 5. The longer they learn, the further they get from the practice.

12) MANAGING BY CREATING VAGUE OVERHEAD SHEETS Do you know them? Those sheets with some big arrows,boxes or circles? These sheets provide the ultimate proof of their overall brilliance.

13) MANAGING BY OPEN DOOR AND EMPTY ROOM This is a major improvement of the older 'OPEN DOOR' management style. Now you can really walk in and out anytime you want. Nobody ever knows where these managers are.

14) MANAGING BY SPEAKING WITH OTHER MANAGERS This kind of managing is very popular. It will give them within a few hours the same information as an employee can tell them in 15 minutes.

15) MANAGING BY HAVING A NON SUPPORTING INFRASTRUCTURE In an organization with a hopeless infrastructure, managers are really necessary. These managers will naturally prevent the organization from having a better infrastructure.

16) BUA MANAGEMENT ( BY USING ABBREVIATIONS ) This management style is ATRASACWOC ( Adopted To Reach A Shorter And Clearer Way Of Communication ).

17) MANAGING BY USING BUZZ WORDS These managers like to bluff your head off with hip, nearly undefined, terms.

18) MANAGING BY REORGANIZATION If they think there is nothing more to organize, they reorganize.

19) MANAGING BY BELIEVING These managers must be spiritual educated, because they have no clues at all.

20) MANAGING BY FORGETTING PROMISES If you remind them to one of their promises, the priority of that promise is too low to remember.

[magixskin]

Program Managers

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their program manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.

"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."

The hardware engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-girl crew."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.

The software engineer thinks a moment and says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."

"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.

The program manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

[magixskin]

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.

[beary]

Safe Sex Options


These days, safe sex isn't just a good idea, it's a matter of life and death. Here are some valuable tips to help you "play it safe":

- Do not blow dealers for crack; blow regular citizens for cash, then buy the crack directly.

- Think about parents' nude bodies during foreplay; resultant loss of erection will prevent potential unsafe sex.

- Don't fall for lines like, "God protects his servants in the clergy from harm."

- Do not, no matter how much peers may pressure you, allow anyone to get to third base with you.

- Make sure all open sores on penis have thoroughly dried and scabbed over before use.

- When taking four cocks in the ass, make sure to have an equal amount of cock in your mouth to reduce the risk of CHI imbalance.

- Before fellating anonymous man in back room of bar, be sure to ask, "You don't have AIDS, do you?"

- Douse penis liberally with D-Con roach spray before penetrating ape.

- You CAN get it from kissing -- tear out partner's tongue before any mouth-to-mouth contact.

- To prevent radiation exposure, use only lead-based condoms.

- If you must engage in unsafe sex, take time out beforehand to hope for the best.

[beary]

Rules To Determine If Sex Counts


Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.


1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count

7. An old flame, doesn't count

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck"

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex...not cheating

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12. Kissing body parts is not cheating

13. An act to make a married person feel good about them-selves, not sex, BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family closet "...not cheating

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it was public, right?)

17. Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18. In car, doesn't count, way too cramped, if vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22. Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24. Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn't count

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this should be considered "getting acquainted".

26. An act with a US President doesn't count, unless the Senate votes impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.


SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

[beary]

Tom was in Las Vegas gambling and having a run of bad luck.

He lost all his money and was now waiting for his bank to wire him some more.

He was on his way up to his hotel room when he meets a beautiful hooker in the elevator.

He is smitten with her and tells her that he wants to make love to her right now.

The hooker says, "Honey, if you got the cash, we can make your wish come true."

Tom realizes he doesn't have any money on him yet and tells the hooker that he will have the money in about an hour or so.

The hooker says, "No money, no lovin'"

Tom pleads with her but the hooker does not give in.

She tells him that when he gets the money she will be more than happy to oblige him, but she actually does find Tom attractive so she reaches over to his pants, unzips his fly, takes his penis in her hand and then proceeds to write on it the following - Gloria 357-6262, when you have $$$.

Tom returns to his room and a couple of hours later, the money from his bank finally arrives.

He immediately rushes to the phone to call his "dream woman".

He unzips his pants so he can retrieve the number off his penis, but alas his erection was gone and in order to read the number he starts rubbing his penis frantically.

At that very moment, the maid entered his room to clean and shrieked at this sight.

Tom says to the maid, "Don't worry, I'm just trying to make a phone call."

[TangSeng]

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad. Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts". The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says "Excellent!" Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick." She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. Golfpro: "Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."

[justlovesex]

How to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer:

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys have rotted out.
7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...
1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

[justlovesex]

A bear and a squirrel are walking through their forest community and they stumble upon a magic lamp under the dirt.

Now this magic lamp has been covered in dirt for years and it was glad to be saved, so since the lamp was in such a good mood, he would grant EACH of them three wishes. So he asked who wanted to go first.

Now Bear, being the eager, young creature that he was, went first.

"What do you want for your first wish"? He asked.

Bear replied, i wish, that the hot female bear that lives next to me, was crazy in love with me.

BOOM. it was done.

Sqirrel's wish was for a helmet.

"A helmet"! Said Bear?!?! "You can get anything and you want a helmet?"

Bear's next wish was for all the female bears in the forest be really hot and all like him.

BOOM it was done

Squirrel's second wish was a motercycle. Again bear was dumbfounded but carried on to his third wish.

"Actually, I want every bear in the forest to be female, hot, and really like me" said Bear.

The lamp granted the wish and...

BOOM. it was done

It was Squirrel's final wish,

"What would you like me to grant you for your final wish" the lamp asked.

After much consideration, Squirrel finaly answered.

"I wish Bear was gay"

And with that, he rode off.