Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

Terms for Female Masturbation

5 Digit Disco
Buzzing the honey hole
Backslappin' Betty
Bailing out the Gravy Boat
Beaver bashin'
Bouncing the bearded clam
Buffing the box
Buffing the jewel
Buttering up the whisker biscuit
Clam twiddlin' jamboree
Critter crammin'
Damming the beaver
Dialing "O" on the little pink telephone
Diddling miss daisy
Diggin' for clams
Digitis Erectus
Fingering the fountain
Flicking the minnow
Friday night lip service
Frosting the muffin of love
Giving yourself the finger
Going for the gooey duct
Impeaching Bush
Juicing the clam
Let your fingers do the walking
Lip smacking
Menage a'moi
Petting the kitty
Piddly Diddler
Playing the squeezebox
Pokin' the pie
Polishing the little pink pearl
Pumping the kooter
Punchin' the chipmunk
Reading in Braille
Riding the clitoris-sauras
Romancing thy own
Roughing up the suspect
Self-guided tuna boat tour
Smacking Jerry Garcia on the nose
Spanking Lucy
Stroking the newt
Ticklin' the taco
Tissue tickling
Twirling the pearl
Unbuttoning the fur coat
Warming the wrist rocket

[bigbirdbird]

TEN WAYS TO TREAT A PENIS

1.) You've gotta "introduce" yourself to Willy Wonderful, i.e., "Hi! I'm Shirley! Nice to meet ya, big guy !". Don't dive on it likes it's a raw Piece of meat and you're a starving pitbull! Be gentle. Stroke him nice and easy. Make friends first.

2.) When (Not "IF" ) giving oral sex, don't suck so hard that you make an industrial vacuum cleaner appear as a dust buster and suck the man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Mr. Penis is a sensitive "guy" ya know. Be gentle Contrary to your practicing techniques in high school, the one who "Melts" the popsicle first is not the winner.

3.) When sitting on top of a man, don't move too far forward or back. Up and down is fine. What you're gonna do if you do move too far forward and back is rip Mr. Penis right off Mr. Man's crotch. Mr. Penis isn't made for that action. And, VERY Important. When going up and down, if you should go up a little too high and Mr. Penis pops out, you are not a basketball net, and Willy Wonderful is not a golf ball ... your aim is not that good, and Your100 Lbs, and this little Newton thingy called gravity will seriously injure Mr. Penis.

4.) Hand jobs - When stroking a guy's Dick don't grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use the love sword as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms, and remember friction is the problem ... lubrication, the cure.

5.) Proper care of the love Tool - like any good tool you wanna keep around for a while you've gotta take good care of it just as you do your dildo or your car. Wash him off after and dry him gently. Oil him frequently, and have him park in the garage as often as you can. Never bend, fold spindle or mutilate. You'll get years of use out of him that way.

6.) If Mr. Penis appears uninterested, he's just being coy or stupid. That's where you have to use step #1 again. If no response, then you sure gave him a good workout the first time. Good for you!

7.) Never, ever play "crush the grapes" with Mr. Penis's two friends, Mr. Balls. Nothing can make Mr. Penis shrink faster. Not even ice or a nude Pic of Janet Reno and the Queen Mother playing chess at the Naturalist beach last July.

8.) If you're a golfer, never use Mr. Penis as a tee.

9.) If Mr. Penis can't "throw up" then his owner worked too hard on pleasing you. Be thankful. If Mr. Penis spits too soon, be proud that you had that effect on him ... not everyone can have that effect on him.

10.) If you don't want Mr. Penis so deep, don't say, "Shit! Not that deep! What are you doing ... drilling for oil??" Say, "Wow you're much bigger Than I thought. Could you take it a little easier on me?"

And never never say "Is it in?"

[bigbirdbird]

One Liners and Q & A


Q. Why is the space between a woman's boobs and her hips called a waist?
A. Because you could fit another pair of boobs in the space between them!

Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A. If your partner chews before swallowing.

Q. How are new girl friends like a fresh roll of toilet paper?
A. Sometimes it's kind of hard to get the first piece, but after that you can rip one off anytime.

[bigbirdbird]

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop.

The dad says "I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla."

He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says ... "What do you want, fat-head?"

The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, "Why did you call him that?"

"I'll tell you why," says the dad. "There's really only three things a man wants in life.

First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine.

Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town.

Third, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along."

[bigbirdbird]

What Husbands Say



Here are some revealing quotes from actual husbands....

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.



The last fight was my fault.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said," Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days. " She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your will power."


Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get laundry done for free.


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying

[bigbirdbird]

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband.

"The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[bigbirdbird]

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all velly velly hungry."

The waitress asks, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, First Come, First Served!"

[bigbirdbird]

President Obama is awoken at 4am by the telephone. 'Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!! I've just received word that the Condom factory in Montana has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire Western US supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.'

President Obama: 'Sh*t !! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.... We'll be ruined.' 'We're going to have to ship some in from Mexico ?'

'Bad idea! The Mex will have a field day on this one.'

Junior Admin Ass: 'What about Canada ?'

President Obama: 'I'll call PM Harper.'

Tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick.

That way they'll continue to respect the Americans

Three days later a delighted Obama runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office. He finds five million condoms: 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all colored Red and white with a maple leaf and small writing on each one.


MADE IN Canada - SIZE: MEDIUM

[bigbirdbird]

Things You Really Shouldn't Say During Sex



* Is it in yet?

* (phone rings) Hello? Oh, nothing, and you?

* Do I have to pay for this?

* You look better in the dark.

* I think that goes in the other hole...

* Hey! My mom has that same bra...

* I hope you don't expect a raise for this...

* Hurry up, the game is about to start.

* ZzZzZz

* Are you trying to be funny?

* Can I have a ride home after this?

* Are those real?

* Is that smell coming from you?

* Haven't you ever done this before?

* Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?

* You're so much like your sister....

* Your mom is really cute.

* What's your name again?

* Do I have to be here in the morning?

* A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!

* But you just started!

* Don't touch that!

* Smile for the camera, honey!

* Get your hand out of there!

* I knew you wore a padded bra!

* Cover me boys, I'm going in!

* Hold on, let me change the channel...

* Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.

* Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.

* Stop breathing...you're fogging up the wind-shield.

* Stop interrupting me!

* It's okay, honey, I can imagine that it's bigger.

* God, I wish you were a real woman.

* Why can't you ever shave your legs?

* How much do I owe you?

* How come we each have a penis?

* Just use your finger, its bigger.

* Does your family have to watch?

* We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.

* Get off me, I'll do it myself!

* Can you hold this sandwich for me?

* Watch...my mom taught me this...

* Damn girl! My tits are bigger than yours!

* Should I ask why you're bleeding?

* I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!

* Wanna see me take out my glass eye?

* Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?

* I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!

* You wanted me to use a condom?

* Fire in the hole!

* I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.

* I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?

* Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.

* You don't sweat much for a fat chick

* Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?

* Can you take it out for a minute, I have to fart

[bigbirdbird]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"

[bigbirdbird]

One day a man went to England on a trip and met a woman there, they grew to like each other enough for her to come to America with the man on his flight home. When they got back to America the man said "I would like to show you an American pastime."

The woman said, "What is it?"

"Baseball," the man said.

The next day, the man took her to a baseball game. The first man came up to the plate and hit the ball to right field and got to first base, the next man bunted the ball and beat the throw to first base. The third man came up to the plate and he gets walked.

The man says, "Are you understanding this game?"

The woman says, "Yes, but what I don't understand is why the thrower hurls the ball at the first player, and he hits it. then he hurls the ball at the second player, and he taps it and runs to where the other man was standing And then the third player, this is the part I don't understand, the thrower hurls the ball and he just stands there - 4 times - and then he just walks to the place where the other man was standing."

Then the man says, "Well that is because he has four balls."

The woman says "Poor thing he couldn't run if he tried."

[bigbirdbird]

Bumper Stickers


*Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

*100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

*Jesus is coming! Look busy!

*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

*Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

*Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

*My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

*Grow your own dope, plant a man.

*All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

*Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

*So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.

*All men are idiots....I married their king.

*The more you complain the longer God makes you live.

*IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

*Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

*Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

*Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

*Hang up and drive.

*Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

*Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

*Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

*Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

*Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

*Honk If You Want To See My Finger.

[bigbirdbird]

A airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die
along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic. The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up.

The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so. "I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, he'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

[bigbirdbird]

TARZAN AND JANE


When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.

"Tarzan not know sex," he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said "Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.

"Here," she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[bigbirdbird]

During work, Raman and Narayan were chatting:

Raman: Narain, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.
Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?
Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?
Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?
Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?
Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy who's screwing your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know this.