Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A woman has a problem with her closet door, it was falling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by.

"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me," and he steps into the closet.

At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. The husband screams, "What the hell are you doing here!"

The repairman shakes his head and replies, "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"

[bigbirdbird]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be The MAN of Your House.'

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal,you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'

The wife replied, "The funeral director" would be my first guess.'

[bigbirdbird]

The Most Venomous Snake In The World

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less, with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and subspecies.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks, mainly women, in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then, a severe swelling, followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. However, it has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, which may result in an incurable disease and possible death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED:

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet, as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place 4 fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.

2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.

3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.

4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and the last time the snake attacked.

5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

[bigbirdbird]

THE MAN CODE

So it has been written, so it shall be ...The CODE

1. Thou shall NEVER rent the movie, "Chocolate".

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a mate's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not, and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a mate out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 4000 percent).

7. If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another bloke who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 screwable babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a mate's refrigerator is forbidden. You may whinge only if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a mate's birthday is strictly optional and probably shows you are a poofter.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your mate is trying to crack on to is your legal duty. Should you lose all sense of perspective and get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your mate is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a mate's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate a deep knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean and down a six-pack.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for mates who help you move is beer, and more beer.

16. A man must never own a cat, or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whingey friend up with your mate, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able
to warn your mate and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood or shipping out to the Antarctic or Alaska.

19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless babe with huge bazookas ... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, you never, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must ALWAYS remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a mate is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this bloke needs is a bloody good boot up the arse!", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice arse. Are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last party pie, but NEVER both. That's just plain shitbag mean.

25. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, for your sake, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in heaping shit on a mate, except when she's withholding sex depending on your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a mate is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not join him ... much too poofy!

29. Never spew in a mate's car after a big gutful of beer. Always make the effort to throw out the window.

30. A mate's missus is totally off-limits for screwing, unless he invites you to screw her, and he joins you and watches.

[bigbirdbird]

The Internet is like a penis

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong.

Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

[bigbirdbird]

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-room mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)---an invitation for you all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ... A Prostitute Dad, ... sniff, sniff."


"Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant!!! Come here and give your old man a hug."

[bigbirdbird]

A guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm. He invites his mother to tea, and the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.

The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."

The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What the heck are you waiting for?"

Finally, the guy says "All right" and hands over the fifteen dollars.

The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain.

Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.

The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.

The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage with one claw. With the other claw he's pulling out all her feathers.

He's saying, "For fifteen bucks, I want you naked. Naked!"

[bigbirdbird]

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.

One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"

And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

[bigbirdbird]

Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.

Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!"

[bigbirdbird]

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.

He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.

He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.

"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.

[bigbirdbird]

Why are hurricanes normally named after women? .....When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Why do women have breasts? .....So men will talk to them.

What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig? .....A women who won't do what she's told.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and mad cow's disease? .....Two tits!

Why did God invent football? .....So that married men could have some physical contact in their lives!

Why do women always appear to be changing their minds? .....It allows them to continually delude themselves that they have one!

Why hasn't a woman ever walked on the moon? .....Because it doesn't need cleaning!

What should you give a woman who has everything? .....A man to show her how to work it.

[bigbirdbird]

From 20 to 30 if a man live right, its once in the morning and twice at night.

From 30 to 40 if he still lives right, he missing a morning and sometimes a night.

From 40 to 50, its just now and then.

From 50 to 60, its heavens know when.

From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined, but don't let him kid you, its STILL on his mind!

[bigbirdbird]

Two gophers were on one side of the street, but they were wondering what it was like across the street.

One gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side.

Once he gets to the other side of the street, he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel just as a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole.

The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw.

He says, "All I know is it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.”

[bigbirdbird]

Hot Tub Etiquette for Men

1. It's alright to have an erection in a hot tub, but don't float to the surface yelling "Up Periscope"!

2. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing....it is NOT okay to pass gas.

3. Feel encouraged to whisper words of admiration to the well- endowed blonde soaking next to you, but don't point and exclaim in a loud voice "Hey baby, nice set of Bazookas!"

4. Drink wine or other alcoholic beverages in moderation while hot tubing. DON'T get drunk and suddenly submerge after screaming "Beaver Attack!"

5. A little underwater groping is OK... Groping yourself is not!



Hot Tub Etiquette for Women

1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, then scream at the top of your lungs "Oh yes Baby!"

2. Washing your partner's back is sexy... washing your panty hose is NOT!

3. Group nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience, but don't spoil things by making snide remarks like, "I've seen bigger wangs on a hamster!"

4. It's okay to pass a joint while hot tubbing.... it's NOT okay to pass gas.

[bigbirdbird]

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death. When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side. "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse'."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself." After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"