Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Jkiruo]

Worlds Greatest BlowJob

One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if i had a pussy."

[Jkiruo]

I Need It Badly

Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.

I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.

If you would do this for me no one would ever know.

I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.

I am very desperate and I need your help.

You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.

I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.

Do you have a piece of gum?

[beary]

Originally Posted by Jkiruo

I Need It Badly



Do you have a piece of gum?

Nice joke

[Jkiruo]

Making Cakes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says, "Mummy, what are they doing?" The mother hesitates then quickly replies, "Ummm they are making cakes."

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "Making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother, "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night, eh?" Shocked, the mother asks, "How do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa."

[Jkiruo]

I've got it worse

A tomato, a piece of gum, and a penis are all talking.

The tomato says "I've got the worst live, I get cut up and stuck in a sandwhich".

The piece of gum says "No, mine's worse, I get chewed up, spit out and stepped on".

The penis says "No, by far I've gor the worst life... I get a plastic bag stuck over my head, then I'm shoved in a dark tunnel and made to do push ups 'till I throw up!"

[Jkiruo]

Girl Getting Driver's Liscense

There was a young girl who lived up in the hills of Tennessee. She was about to turn sixteen, and couldn't wait to get her driver's liscense.

She had been subjected to much ribbing from her older brother, telling her that she was too dumb to get her liscense.

When the big day came around, she passed the test with flying colors.

She rushed home and asked her father if she could use the car that night so she and her friend could go in to town where all the cool kids were at.

The father said, "Sure honey, but you'll have to give me a blow-job first."

Wanting to go to town real bad, she agreed.

As she went down on her father, she suddenly jumped up an said "Dad your dick tastes like shit"

Oh yea, her father replied, "I forgot, your brother's got the car tonight."

[Jkiruo]

Samples for the Doctor

A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.

The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample".

The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow"

When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?"

The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."

[Jkiruo]

Eating Pizza

A truck driver picks up a woman hitch hiker on the side o the road.

He pulls over on the side of the road a few blocks down and the woman asks him what he is doing? He asks her if she wants to have sex? She says "I can't I'm on my period."

He says "That doesn't matter."

So they get in the back of the cab and he is eating her out.

A police officer drives by and sees the truck rocking.

So he gets out and knocks on the door of the truck.

The truck driver opens the door and asks if he can help the officer.

The officer asks him what he is doing? He says liking his fingers "Eating Pizza!"

[Jkiruo]

Hard To Handle

This guy goes into a hore house and gives the lady at the front desk $500 and tells her that he wants a woman that can handle him.

She replies, go down the hall and its the second door on the right.

He does and just as they get started she starts screaming from the pain. He then marches back to the front desk and tell the woman that he said he wanted a woman that could handle him.

She says, ok go down the hall and its the third door on the left.

He does and once again the woman starts screaming just as they get started. Then he goes back to the front desk and she says I know I know you want a women that can handle you.

She says, ok ok this time go all the way down the hall and down the stairs, there won't be any lights so just feel around til you hit something wet and stick it in.

He does this and just as they get started nothing happens there isn't any screaming. Well he thinks, finally, this could work.

As he gets into it he shouts "Oh yea, talk to me baby".

She replies "MOOOOOO"!

[Ikari]

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank.

"I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"

"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."

"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.

"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless wanker."

[Ikari]

David Beckham wakes up one morning, showers and puts on his best tracksuit, ready for another hard day's work at being an over privileged little creep.
Catching sight of himself in the mirror, he thinks, "By God, Dave, you're looking good this morning."

He admires the fine cut of his outfit and flexes his biceps. "Feeling good, too," he notes proudly at the firm swell of muscle underneath the kit he's wearing. He enters the kitchen and Posh, his bird, hands him a bowl of corn flakes.
"You're looking fit this morning, Dave," she says.

"To be sure," he replied appreciatively. "I feel good as well."

"But, Dave, you're not smelling so good, mind," comments his beloved.

Dave takes a sniff. "You're right there," he says worriedly, "I am smelling a bit rough."

He eats his cereal, downs his cup of coffee and sets off for Old Trafford.

"Good morning to you, sweetie," he grins at Alex Ferguson.

"It's a fine morning, Dave," says Alex, "and you're looking really good."

[Ikari]

Military Control Tower
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

[Ikari]

Airline Rage
As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"

The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot's attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:

"Get me another coke or I'll really create a scene!"

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.

Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I'll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.

Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You're pretty cheeky for a guy who can't fly!"
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[SgHornyDevil]

Originally Posted by Ikari

David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank.

"I'd like to donate some sperm," he says to the receptionist.

"Certainly, Sir," she replies. "Have you donated before?"

"Yes," replies Beckham, "you should have my details on your computer."

"Oh, Yes, I've found your details," says the receptionist, "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"

"Why do I need help to donate sperm?" asks Beckham.

"Well," the receptionist replies, "it says on your record that you're a useless wanker."

Hahaha this is good

[Sammyboyforum]

In prison, you get three square meals a day.

At home, you cook three square meals a day and try to get your kids to eat it.

In prison, you get an hour each day in the yard to exercise and mingle.

At home you get to clean the yard up so you can mow it so your kids can spread more toys all over it so that you can go out and clean it again because little Jr. can't sleep without his latest lego creation.

In prison, you get to watch TV, cable even.

At home, you get to listen to your children fight over the remote control and get treated to hours and hours of mindless cartoons thanks to cable.

In prison, you can read whatever you want and attend college for free.

At home, you get to read weekly readers starring Dick, Jane, and Spot and worry about how to send Jr. to college and still be able to eat for the next twenty years.

In prison, all your medical care is free.

At home, you have to pawn your mother's silver and fill out trillions of papers for insurance and hope the doctor will see you before you die.

In prison, if you have visitors, all you do is go to a room, sit, talk and then say good-bye when you are ready or your time is up.

At home, you get to clean for days in advance and then cook and clean up after your guests and hope that they will one day leave.

In prison, you can spend your free time writing letters or just hang out in your own space all day.

At home, you get to clean your space and everyone else's space, too, and what the heck is free time again?

In prison, you get your own personal toilet.

At home, you have to physically hold the bathroom door shut in order to keep from having someone standing over you demanding to know how long till you're done so you can do something for them.

In prison, the prison laundry takes care of all your dirty clothes.

At home, you get to take care of them yourself, plus everybody else's, and get yelled at because somebody's favorite shirt isn't clean.

In prison, they take you everywhere you need to go.

At home, you take everybody else where they need to go.

In prison, the guards transport all your personal effects for you and make sure nothing is missing.

At home, you have to lug around everybody else's stuff in your purse and then wonder who went in it and took your last dollar.

In prison, there are no screaming or whining children or spouses asking you to do something else for them, or screaming at you because you didn't.

At home....stop me when I get to the downside of jail, will ya?