Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[medic542]

THE FEMALE RULES



1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.

[medic542]

DIVORCE SETTLEMENT



A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[barbet]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come on Friday night to meet,
and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, " I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

[barbet]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[medic542]

SURGICAL GLOVES



A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...

"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"

She said, "No?"

"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

[medic542]

SIGNS YOUR DOCTOR IS TOO OLD



- He brags about having delivered Strom Thurmond.

- He leaves three times in the middle of surgery to pee.

- He's always yelling at kids running across his waiting room.

- Instead of hooking you up to an EKG, he accidentally wires you up to a TV set showing "Murder She Wrote."

- He tells you about the latest in anesthesia... and then hands you a bullet to bite on.

- He worked at Mt. Sinai... unfortunately it was with Moses.

- Says he's skeptical about this new penicillin drug.

- Says the tonsils will have to come out. The only problem is... he's giving you a rectal exam.

- After installing a pacemaker, he says a second heart operation will be needed to retrieve his missing teeth.

- After discovering he's out of colostomy bags, he says, "Here, use mine."

- When he pulls out thermometer and says "102"... he's talking about his age.

- You see him tapping that Knee Hammer on a 5 iron.

- Says he served as a medic during the war... the Civil War.

- He was Eve's gynecologist.

- Hanging on his wall is a copy of the Hippocratic Oath... signed by Hippocrates.

[medic542]

DOCTOR'S ADVICE



Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead! "

[medic542]

POSITIVE



A man named Dino has a job which subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs. Dino adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently, so he was sent for an interview with the company doctor.

During his interview, the doctor asks him to account for his activity the previous night. Dino admitted to the doctor that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar. He told the doctor that since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home.

The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"

Dino told him that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.

"Don't tell me that you did it," said the doctor.

"Sure I did," answered Dino. "Why, what's the matter?"

"Well," said the doctor, "that's why you tested positive. That was a barbitchyouate."

[medic542]

FATHER AND SON



A young man had completed medical school. He went back home to the small town to work with his father. They went out the first day to make house calls. As they went in the first house, the father told his son to watch him so he would know what to do.

Inside a woman was in the bed and she looked terrible. The old doctor checked her out. He was making notes when he dropped his pen to the floor. He picked it up and told the woman she needed to quit cleaning and working so hard in her house, she just needed rest.

When they got outside the son asked how he knew she was cleaning to much. The old doctor said that when he dropped his pen on the floor, it was so clean there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere.

When they arrived at the next house the father told his son it was his turn to play doctor.

At this house too, the woman was in bed, looking terrible. The young doctor took her blood pressure and pulse, asked a few questions, made some notes. Then he dropped his pen and reached down to pick it up. Then he told the woman she was doing too much church work and needed to cut down on what she did.

When the doctors got outside the old doctor asked the young one how he knew she was doing too much church work.

The young man said, "When I bent down to pick up my pen, I saw the preacher under the bed."

[medic542]

LEARNING TO SPEAK



A man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note says: 'I can't talk, help me!'

The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your dick on the table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said anyway.

The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used to test someone's reflexes) and hits the poor man's dick with it as hard as he can.

The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....!"

The doctor just says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

[medic542]

SIGNS YOUR DENTIST IS CRAZY



- Keeps trying to sell you extra teeth.

- His restrooms are labeled "Bleeders" and "Non-Bleeders"

- Pumps gas into the waiting room in advance.

- Does an extensive search for cavities...dental and body.

- He...ummm..licks his tools clean.

- Gets mad when you mention that 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed line.

- When you come to from being under the gas, he's quick to insist that you wore your pants backwards when you came into his office.

- Wears a necklace made of human teeth.

- Has a grindstone in the office for his tools.

- Insists that a Novocain shot is something that he'll buy you at a bar if you just go out with him.

[medic542]

CODE OF ETHICAL PATIENT BEHAVIOR



We all go the doctor for our aches, pains worries and some of us just to have someone to listen to our problems. Guess what, doctors are human too, so here are is a guide of what to do and not to do code of ethical patient behavior.

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. They've already heard it before. Just sit back and take the pain

2. Be cheerful at all times. If you make your doctors unhappy, they might just make a slip with the needle as they are inserting it into your butt.

3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. It wouldn't look to good if you are smiling when the medical books indicate you should be wincing.

4. It's still sexual harassment even if you're a babe, your sustained and repeated come-ons to pay in 'trade' are still harassment.

5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing. Hey, 4 years of medical school, 4- 7 years in residency and another one or two in fellowships have already made it impossible for your doctor to speak normal English anyway.

6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest, and you might even become famous in a medical textbook, or if you really complain enough, have a procedure named after you.

7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly. (see #2, keep you doctor happy..)

8. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care. That's really bad form!

9. There is no excuse for smelling like that... Yes we do smell you... Take a bath. Your treatment room can't be used for others for the rest of the day and you almost killed the doctor.

10. Farting is not 'natural and ordinary' just cause you're with a doctor. You may likely be told you need a referral to a 'specialist'.

11. It turns out the nurses do not want to have sex with you. It's a shame but true.

[medic542]

MALE DRINKING HABITS



The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Good Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give two shits about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I'm gonna go shag something.

White Zin: He's gay.

[medic542]

TWENTY DOLLARS



A man is at a bar, having some drinks. After a couple hours he's pretty drunk and starts to feel like he's going to be sick. He rushes into the bathroom but doesn't quite make it to a sink in time and pukes all over his shirt.

As he's slouched against the wall trying to clean his shirt off with wet paper towels, another man comes in the bathroom.

The drunk says to the other in a slurred voice, "Maaan my (hiccup) wife issh gonna (hiccup) kill me!"

The other man says to the drunk, "Listen, what you need to do is put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket. When you come home tell your wife that some drunk guy puked on you and gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning bill."

The drunk says, "Shay! Thas a great idea! Thans misser!"

The drunk finishes wiping the puke off his shirt and puts a twenty in his breast pocket. Feeling relieved about the situation and also feeling a little better, the man leaves the bathroom and has a couple more drinks.

Later that night the drunk staggers in the door to find his wife waiting up for him.

As soon as she sees him she starts yelling at him, "Look at you! You're a mess, you lousy drunk! How many times have I told you not to go out and get drunk like this? Who is going to clean that shirt?"

"Look hon, you got it all wrong. Thish guy at the bar, he pukes all over me and he givesh me twenty bucks to pay the cleaning bill," the drunk says to her while pointing at his breast pocket.

"Oh really?" she says, "Then what is the other twenty for?"

"Oh, thas from the guy that shit in my pants!"

[medic542]

DRINKS AND A WOMAN'S PERSONALITY



Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned.

Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...

Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.

Additional note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.