Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[YY Tell Me Why?]

(This was sent to me through a friend of a friend - you know the story.)
Jesus took his Disciples up the mountain and, gathering them round him, he taught them, saying:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are the meek.
Blessed are the that mourn.
Blessed are the merciful.
Blessed are they who thirst for justice.
Blessed are all the concerned.
Blessed are you when persecuted.
Blessed are you when you suffer.
Be glad and rejoice for your reward is great in Heaven. Try to remember what I'm telling you!"
Then Simon Peter said: "Will this count?"
And Andrew said: "Will we have a test on it?"
And James said: "When do we have to know it for?"
And Philip said: "How many words?"
And Bartholemew said: "Will I have to stand up in front of the others?"
And John said: "The other disciples didn't have to learn more...

[owl888]

Find this nice from another website so sharing with bros here

某天，劉備與孫尚香準備洞房，在一陣愛撫過後劉備淫笑著說：〔該是老二出場的時候了～〕
此時關羽突然打開大門衝了進來說：〔多謝大哥！〕劉備：〔幹！〕關羽：〔是！〕
接著關羽也開始淫笑著說：〔該是小弟出場的時候了～〕此時換張飛突然衝了進來：〔多謝二哥！〕
關羽：〔操！〕張飛：〔遵命！〕這時門突然打開了，只見曹操衝進來說：〔輪到我了是嗎？多謝三 位！〕

[magixskin]

A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf..... Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? "
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"
"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
"NO SHIT. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[magixskin]

Two Teenage boys were picked up for doing drugs. When they went to court the judge said that he would like to give them a second chance if they could work in the community and convince young people not to do drugs they would avoid jail time. The two boys went to the community and did their work and returned to court the following month. The judge asked the first boy how he did and he told the judge that he convinced 30 people not to do drugs.
The judge said, "That was great how did you do that?"
The Boy told him, "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison.'"

[magixskin]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy.
"Why is that?" asked his Mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[magixskin]

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

[magixskin]

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

The New Suit


Harry wanted a new suit so he bought a nice piece of cloth and tried to find a good tailor.

The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth, measured Harry, then told him there was not enough cloth to make a suit.

Harry found this hard to accept, so he went to the tailor next door who measured both Harry and the cloth before announcing that there was enough cloth to make a three-pice suit.

A week later, Harry returned to collect his suit and noticed that the tailor's son was wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Puzzled, Harry asked: "How come you have been able to make a three-piece suit for me and trousers for your son when the chap next door could not even make a suit?"

"Simple," said the tailor. "The guy next door has two sons."

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Skirt Too Tight


A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.

So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reacher behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you' well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Dutch Shoes


On a day trip to Amsterdam, a young man fell madly in love with a Dutch girl and after a whirlwind romance they got married.

For the first six months they were blissfully happy but then she was stricken down with a mysterious foot disease, which meant that she had to wear special inflatable Dutch shoes.

Her husband hoped that the inflatable shoes would cure her illness but sadly her condition continued to deteriorate until one day he was devastated to learn that she had popped her clogs.

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Fantastic


The manager of a ladies' dress shop realise that it was time to give one of her sales staff a pep talk. "Paula," she said, "your figures are the lowest in the department by a long way. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, ma'am,' said a humbled Paula. "Can you offer me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well," said the manager, "there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you find a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Paula's sales figures shot up, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again, this time to congratulate her.

"Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Paula nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did in the end."

"And what is it?"

"Fantastic."

"Yes, that's an excellent word," said the manager encouragingly. "And how have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in class. I said, "Fantastic", and she bought $500 worth of clothing.

"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was organizing. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and that her husband makes the most money. "Fantastic", I said, and she not only bought a $2,000 designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of accessories. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying, "Fantastic", and they keep buying!"

"Excellent work, Paula," said the manager. "You're a credit to the department. Just as a matter of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Paula shrugged. "It was usually, 'Who cares?'"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Size Eight Shoes


A man walked into a shoe shop and asked for a pair of shoes, size 8.

The sales assistant said: "Are you sure, sir" You look like a size 12 to me."

"Just bring me a size 8," insisted the customer.

So the assistant fetched a pair of size 8 shoes and the man squeezed his feet into them with obvious discomfort. He then stood up in the shoes, but with considerable pain.

"Listen," he explained, "I've lost my house to the taxman, I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my son just told me he's gay. The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

The Bucket


A young man went to a lake for a swim but when he got there, he realised he had forgotten his swimming trunks.

Since there was nobody about, he decided to jump in naked. An hour later, he climbed out and was just about to get dressed when he saw two old ladies approaching.

He hastily grabbed a small bucket, held it over his privates and breathed a huge sigh of relief. But when the old ladies started to stare at hi, he felt decidedly awkward.

One said to him: "You know, I have a special gift. I can read minds. And I bet I can read yours."

The young man scoffed: "So you reckon you know what I'm thinking, do you?"

"Yes," she said. "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Fur, Whiskers and Kittens


The teacher put a question to the class:

"What does a cat have that no other animal has?"

A number cried in unison:

"Fur!"

But an objector raised the point that bears and skunks have fur. One pupil raised an eager hand:

"I know, teacher--whiskers!"

But another objector laughed scornfully.

"Haw-haw! My papa has whiskers!"

The suggester of whiskers defended her idea by declaring: "My papa ain't got whiskers."

"'Cause he can't!" the objector sneered. "Haw-haw! Your pa ain't no good. My pa says----"

The teacher rapped for order, and repeated her question. A little girl raised her hand, and at the teacher's nod spoke timidly.

"Kittens!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

The Cat Clock


There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat everywhere he goes. he never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, "What's with the cat?"

The man responds, "I use it to tell time."

As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, "So how does it tell time?"

The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long meow, very loud.

Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, "What's with all the racket? It's one in the morning!!!"