Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[MrBin]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's

Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!).

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day."

[MrBin]

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the priest. "Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her.

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father?......... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Priest was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

[bigbirdbird]

Anita was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks.

Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.
Anita wrote: “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is excellent in bed.”


Several days went by and she hadn’t gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

“Can I help you?” Anita asked.

He said, “I am the man of your dreams!”

Anita was baffled. She said, “Excuse me.”

“I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can’t beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you.”

“But are you good in bed?” Anita asked.

He replied, “How do you think I knocked on the door?”

[bigbirdbird]

Dear Abby,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next
month.

My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great
and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and
invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it
had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down
to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in
a month I would be a married man and that before that happened,
she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked
to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front
door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I
knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight
out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law
to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be
sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl.
I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little
test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancé what her parents did, and that I
thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my
character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself...
including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car
was to get a condom?

[bigbirdbird]

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive
Clap Of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
Accompanied By Even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
'Well, she’s there.'

************


He says, "Hey Dad! What are you doing?"

His father says, "I'm filling your mother's tank."

Johnny says,"Oh, yeah? Well, you should get a model that gets better mileage. The milkman filled her this morning."


**************

"How did your evening with your new boyfriend go?"

"It was a disaster. We were nude in bed in heavy foreplay and he
had a premature ejaculation."

"What did he say when it occurred?"

"He just said I was the loveliest girl he had ever come across."

[dingdong11]

Fresh out of high school, Brenda found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, she had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.

One day, Brenda was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. She quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The next week, the same thing happened.

That afternoon, her employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog, "how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"

[dingdong11]

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap- tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Wow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[dingdong11]

A widow recently married a widower. Soon after the marriage she was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

"I started talking about my next husband."

[dingdong11]

During a phone conversation, Justin mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university.

"Oh, great," his aunt said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family."

"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

[dingdong11]

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil neck. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him more names. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[dingdong11]

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.

She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of car's flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

[dingdong11]

One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind. His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"

[dingdong11]

Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time.

He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn't sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over.

"Excuse me," Bob said. "How does this work?"

The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle.

"And where does the money come out?" Bob asked.

The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. "The ATM is over there."

[dingdong11]

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

[bigbirdbird]

The dull and desperate looking woman sat disconsolately in her attorney's office. "On what grounds do you want a divorce?" asked the lawyer.

On the grounds of extreme cruelty," she replied. "He want sex every night, front and back, and he has a dick like a donkey's! - It hurts like buggery!"

The lawyer raised an eyebrow and said, "If that is the case, I will file your petition," .

"File my petition? Pig's bloody arse you will!!! Let that bastard sandpaper his!"