Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Code Red]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[Code Red]

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go way ! And let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

[Code Red]

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy"

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.

Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.

The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Code Red]

A gorilla escapes from the zoo and after 3 weeks, the zoo keepers give up looking for him. Some time later, a man calls the zoo complaining of a gorilla in a tree in his back yard. The zoo keeper rushes right over. When he arrives, he has a net, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a Dachshund.

The man asks what the items are for. He's told, "I'm gonna climb the tree and hit the gorilla in the head with the baseball bat. When he falls out of the tree, you throw the net over him, and the Dachshund will go straight for his balls." The man asks, "But what's the shotgun for?"

The zoo keeper answers, "If I miss the gorilla and fall out of the tree, you shoot the Dachshund."

[Code Red]

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

[Code Red]

A woman wanted a pet so she went to the local pet shop. She looked at the dogs and the cats but finally settled on a parrot that was perched in the back of the store for $50.00.

She asked the shopkeeper why the parrot was so cheap, to which he replied, "Well, I have to tell you, the birds last owner was a madam at a whorehouse and he occasionally makes off color remarks that may offend some people."

Thinking that the price was right and she could handle anything he might say, she took him. When she got home she set the bird down on the table. He looked around and said, "New house, new madam".

"That's not so bad," she thought.

A little while later, her daughters got home from school, and the parrot spoke again, "New house, new madam, new whores."

Even though she felt a little insulted, she thought that wasn't so bad either.

Later that evening, her husband Ray came home.

The parrot again spoke out...

This time it said, "Hi Ray!"

The woman met with a divorce attorney the next day.

[Code Red]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham and bacon. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that when pregnant, they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs.

So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, banged each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he was woken up by his wife shaking him and saying "Wake up Dear, the pigs are acting strangely!". "What do you mean?" he asked excitedly, "Are they wallowing in the mud?" "No, " she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[Code Red]

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without water for long periods."

"That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

[Code Red]

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9-Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong. He puts his other club away, and grabs a 9-iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked!

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3-wood."

The guy takes out a 3-wood, and boom! A hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."

Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000,black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom - tons of cash come sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me."

He figures, Why not? After all the frog did for him, it is a small price to pay. With the kiss, however, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room."

[Code Red]

A rabbit broke out of the laboratory where he had been born and raised. As he scurried away, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking, for the first time in his life. "Wow," he thought. "This is great." It wasn't long before he came to a hedge. After squeezing under it, he saw a wonderful sight -- lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?" "Yes, come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?", he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We have sex with them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning at this until, completely exhausted, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?", one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time, but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

[bigbirdbird]

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for this Christmas.

"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me the damn coat!"

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards it became our family chest.... AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

[bigbirdbird]

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... ........ ....She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement,
which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.


I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement,
which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.


Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement,
which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

[bigbirdbird]

While walking through a courthouse, a kid enters an empty courtroom.

He sees a fine leather briefcase (the kind the lawyers carry) sitting on the table, picks it up and exits through the back door of the courtroom into the judge's chambers.

And who should be sitting there; the judge.

Judge: Hey kid, are you familiar with the liquor store across the street from the courthouse?

Kid: (nods).

Judge: Good, I want you to go across the street and steal me a bottle of booze.

The kid runs across the street, enters the liquor store, and when the proprietor is not looking, slips a fifth into the briefcase and brings it back to the judge.

The judge immediately opens the bottle and swigs half of it.

Judge: Hey kid, I need you to run another errand. There's a contractor, Slapdash Construction, next to the liquor store. Go to them and tell them that the judge sent you. They'll give you a brown paper bag. Bring it back to me.

The kid runs to Slapdash Construction, tells them that the judge sent him, receives a brown paper bag filled with fifties and hundreds, puts it into the briefcase and takes it to the judge.

Judge: Kid, you did great. Now unzip my fly.

The kid unzips the judge's fly.

Judge: Now suck my di*k!

Kid: Hey wait a minute mister. I'm not a real attorney; I just found this briefcase in the courtroom!

[bigbirdbird]

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

[bigbirdbird]

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right. What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right. What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."