Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[dingdong11]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Oh, well that's okay then!" said the boss.

"Because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

[dingdong11]

A college professor asked his class a question.

"If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?"

One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when Called upon said, "Professor you're 44.."

The Professor said, "You're absolutely correct, but tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"

The student said, "You see professor, I have a brother; he's 22, and he's only half crazy."

[dingdong11]

Two men stand at a river which they are about to cross when they notice crocodiles looking at them.

"Are you afraid?" asks one to the other.

"Don't you know that God is merciful and God is good?"

"Yes I do," says the scared man. "But what if God suddenly chooses right now to be good to the crocodiles?"

[bigbirdbird]

Bumper Stickers

*Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

*100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

*Jesus is coming! Look busy!

*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

*Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

*Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

*My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

*Grow your own dope, plant a man.

*All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

*Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

*So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.

*All men are idiots....I married their king.

*The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

*IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

*Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

*Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

*Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

*Hang up and drive.

*Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

*Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

*Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

*Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

*Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

*Honk If You Want To See My Finger.

[bigbirdbird]

This girl goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, its very embarrassing but something brown is dropping off my private parts." The doctor examines her and is sure that there is some thing brown coming out.

The doctor is confused and says, "How frequently are you having sex?. Once a day?"

Girl: Naa

Doc: Once a Week?

Girl: Nope

Doc: Once a month?

Girl: Naaa

Doc: One a year!

Girl: Some thing like that.

Doc: Oh I get it, it's nothing. The brown thing is just rust!

[bigbirdbird]

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.

After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?

[bigbirdbird]

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady
Recognizes him as real Football player.
They start to talk, and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt.
On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that for?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV,
People will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his
Leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

'What's that ?' the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid
When this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his
Penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams: "Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The man replies: "No, no.....!!! Calm down,"
"It will say ADIDAS in a minute...........!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

[bigbirdbird]

Three drunks hailed a taxi.

The taxi driver, seeing that they were wasted when they got in, he just switched on the engine and switched it off, then said "We are here!"

The first guy gave him money.

The second guy said, "Thanks."

But the third guy slapped him.

The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch.

"So what was that for?" He asked.

"Control your speed next time," the third guy shouted. "You almost killed us!

[dingdong11]

Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle.

When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. However, this startles her so that she drops the vase with a <gasp!> -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around.

After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.."

"It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal- Mart."

The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..."

"Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to get off his lazy butt and get the ashtray from the kitchen from now on!"

[dingdong11]

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbour said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[dingdong11]

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.

After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I'd like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You'll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't THINK so!

[LA KOPI]

Huang Fu and the Bottle of Wine Parable

Huang Fu was a very rich man who was deliberately tough on his farmhand, Hop. Huang Fu gave Hop a bottle and said, 'Buy me a bottle of wine.'

Hop, the poor farmhand enquired, 'How can I buy you wine with no money at all?' Huang Fu replied disdainfully, 'Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.'

Time elapsed and Hop eventually returned farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Fu and murmured, 'Enjoy the wine, please.'

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, 'There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?'


Hop replied to Huang Fu, with a straight face, 'Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.'

Huang Fu made a choking sound but was unable to utter a word.

[LA KOPI]

Never Judge a Man By His AppearanceFunny Chinese Jokes

At a New Year celebration meal an American to the Chinese man sitting next to him, pointed to the soup and asked somewhat condescendingly, 'Likee soupee?'
The Chinese gentlemen nodded eagerly.

A little later, it was 'Likee fishee?' and 'Likee meatee?' and 'Likee fruitee?' and always the response was an affable nod.

At the end of the dinner the chairman of the Yuan-Xiao festival introduced the guest speaker of the evening: none other than the Chinese gentleman who delivered a penetrating, witty discourse in impeccable English, much to the astonishment of his American neighbour.

When the speech was over, the speaker turned to his neighbour and with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and asked, 'Likee speechee?'

[LA KOPI]

Fay Chester was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...." Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door. Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"