Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[uKnowWhoAmI]

Originally Posted by Informer

hahaha, this is a good one.

Agree bro, this is good hehe

[bigbirdbird]

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

[bigbirdbird]

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right. What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right. What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

[bigbirdbird]

Premature Ejaculation


Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk hands him a little purple can and says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all night!"

Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and waits eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprays some on his member and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however, the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"

"Yeah, so?"

"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir. This is Easy-Off."

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts



A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce. She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian, yet, he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth.”


Q: What happens when a whore house catches fire?
A: Some come out running and some run out coming!


What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?
An old cat scratches and bites but a little pussy never hurt anybody!


The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem. She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless. "Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised. "I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."


The English teacher of the girls’ school used to fail all her students who did not put a full-stop at the end of their sentences.. I guess she really hated it when her girls missed their periods.


Q: What do blondes and prawns have in common?
A: The heads are full of shit but the pink bits taste nice.


Supposedly I was created in god's image. I don't know, you'd think god would have a bigger penis than this.


Q. Why did the gay guy give his lover a blowjob after sex?
A. He wanted to have his cock and eat it too.


Q: Why does a one-story brothel make more money than a two-story brothel?
A: Because there's no fucking overhead.

[bigbirdbird]

The Great Horse Race



Line up and odds:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady @ 2 to1
In lane 2. Bare Belly @ 4 to 1
In lane 3. Silk Panties @ 8 to 1
In lane 4. Conscience @ 100 t0 1
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts @ 10 to 1
In lane 6. Clean Sheets @ 25 to 1
In lane 7. Thighs @ 15 to 1
In lane 8. Big Dick @ 2 to 5
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom @ 12 to 1
In lane 10. Merry Cherry @ 50 to 1


AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and
Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and
Big Dick is pushing in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE TURN
Merry Cherry pops under the strain.
Silk Panties and Jockey shorts are no longer in the picture
Bare Belly is making a final push.
Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE STRETCH:
It's Big Dick taking charge
Passionate Lady continues to take all Big Dick can offer.
Bare Belly buckles under the pressure
As Thighs are forced wide

AT THE FINISH
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Thighs continues to fall back. Heavy Bosom pulls up. And Clean Sheets never had a chance.

[SongCafe]

Great jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird!!

[KTVbuddy]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The Great Horse Race

very nice joke bro!

[Doblo]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A judge asked a woman on why she wanted a divorce. She answered, "Your Honor, he knew I'm a vegetarian, yet, he still insists on putting his meat in my mouth.”

Haha I like this!!

[bigbirdbird]

Subject: * Naughty Jokes *

1. A 95-year-old man sucks his 90-year-old wife's breast for half an hour and drinks 2 drops of milk. POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE!

2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend; phone rings! She said, "YES.. OK, BYE." She turns to her lover and says, "THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU."

3. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world? Answer: INTERCOURSE. No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in!

4.Girlfriends are like appetizers - Taste good any time. Mistresses are like tomyam - Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently. WIVES are like maggi mee - To be eaten when there's nothing to eat!

5.The income tax office asked a prostitute why she put her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER. She replied, "I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR!"

[MPLover]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Subject: * Naughty Jokes *
5.The income tax office asked a prostitute why she put her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER. She replied, "I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR!"

this is funny, haha.

[CookieDevil]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Subject: * Naughty Jokes *

1. A 95-year-old man sucks his 90-year-old wife's breast for half an hour and drinks 2 drops of milk. POSTMORTEM REPORT - death due to drinking milk after EXPIRY DATE!

2. Woman in bed with husband's best friend; phone rings! She said, "YES.. OK, BYE." She turns to her lover and says, "THAT'S MY HUBBY, SAYS HE'S NOW GOLFING WITH YOU."

3. What's the most difficult GOLF COURSE in this world? Answer: INTERCOURSE. No matter how many strokes or what style you play, your balls will never go in!

4.Girlfriends are like appetizers - Taste good any time. Mistresses are like tomyam - Hot and spicy. Eaten frequently. WIVES are like maggi mee - To be eaten when there's nothing to eat!

5.The income tax office asked a prostitute why she put her occupation as CHICKEN FARMER. She replied, "I RAISED 5,000 COCKS LAST YEAR!"

Very funny hehe !

[bigbirdbird]

🐴🏊🐴🏊🐴🏊🐴

Mathematician: How to write 4 in between a 5?

India: Is this a Joke?

Japan: Impossible!

America: The question's wrong!!

UK: Rubbish !!

China: F(IV)E

This is the reason you find Chinese everywhere in the world in finance, business, medicine, engineering & arts...
anything to do with optimising your brain!!

British: Can you swim?
Chinese: No
British: Then a dog is better than you because it swims.
Chinese: Can you swim?
British: Yes!
Chinese: Then what's the difference between you and the dog…
British was Shocked!!
Chinese Rocks! 👍 😜

European : Why do you Chinese come in all colors; look at us, we are all white..?
Wong Fei Hoong: Horses too come in different colors but donkeys are all the same..!!!
😏😏☺😄😄

Send to all Chinese all over the globe!

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts

Q: What are the 2 most important holes of a women?
A: Her nostrils, so that she can breathe while giving a blowjob.


The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry. The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?" She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?" Three men and a lesbian were killed in the rush.


My ex-wife could have had any men she pleased. She just couldn't please any!



The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him. He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!" She replies, "Second fiddle? You are lucky you are still in the band!"


The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (another blonde) nodded wisely, and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees. The blonde said, "No Ma. I can screw and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook."



The high school, blonde and bosomy cheerleader confessed to her kindly old Priest that she'd often have sex with her boyfriend in the front seat of his car. "Now my daughter," consoled the Priest, "I'm sure if you think about it, you'll know you've been doing something wrong." "Yeah, I guess you right." replied the cheerleader. "Maybe it would be more comfortable in the back seat."

[bigbirdbird]

Playing Grownup

A small boy and a small girl were want to do something to become as 'adult-looking' as possible.

So the boy suggested playing "Nightclub." He set up a small 'bar' with glasses and a pitcher of Kool Aide and began to feed the young lady drinks one after the other.

Pretty soon, the young lady inquires of the 'bartender', "Do you have a Ladies room I can use?"

Perplexed, the boy-bartender replied, "Err, sure. Over there, behind that big tree."

The girl goes behind the big tree, squats and peeks back to the bartender only to find out that he is also peeking at her. She calls out to him, "Would you like to see it?"

The boy enthusiastically nods yes so the girl flashes him a peek.

Then she says, "Would you like to kiss it?"

He says, "Heck NO! I'm not a real bartender, you know...."