Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant



A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two Lessons here:

1. Many lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Many blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

[WeAreDeWorld]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Good one bro!

[35cents]

hilarious! nice one.....!

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

[bigbirdbird]

Answers Men Would Like to Give to Woman's Stupid Questions, But Never Will

1. No we can't be friends; I just want you for sex.

2. The dress doesn't make you look fat, its all that fucking ice cream and chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

3. You've got no chance of me calling you.

4. No, I won't be gentle.

5. Of course you have to swallow.

6. Well yes actually, I do this all the time.

7. I hate your friends.

8. I have every intention of using you, and no intention of speaking to you after tonight.

9. I'd rather watch a porno.

[bigbirdbird]

Flight to Texas


A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[bigbirdbird]

Shipwrecked

A man has been shipwrecked on a desert island for ten years.

Then one day he is down at the shoreline when he spots a ship on the horizon. He frantically waves his arms and jumps up and down shouting, until he spies a rowboat being let down into the water from the ship. About ten minutes later the rowboat reaches the shore carrying a man in a captain's uniform.

"Thank you!" says our shipwrecked hero. "I thought I was never going to be rescued."

"How long have you been here?" asks the Captain.

"Ten years, ten long years," replies the man.

"Ten years?" says the Captain. "How have you coped all that time on your own?"

"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow. I've built my own house.... there it is, over there!"

"But ten years!" says the Captain, "ten years without sex!"

"Ahhhh, well...that's not quite true," says the man shyly.

"What do you mean?" inquires the Captain.

"Well, about six months ago I was down here on the shore washing my feet, when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with its head buried in the sand and it's ass facing me. I thought it's been over nine years, so I crept up behind it and WALLOP!"

"Oh God, that must have been disgusting!" cries the genuinely shocked Captain.

"Well, it was alright for the first five miles, but then we got out of step...."

[bigbirdbird]

Pursued

A young man is being pursued by a young admiring woman. Eventually, he has no choice but to grant her a private audience.

Relentlessly she asks him for a quickie in the sack, though he tried hard to refuse her. He is a man of high morals and of course is reluctant to.

Finally giving in to her demands for carnal knowledge, he says "OK, but there is one condition: I have a particular fetish that you must perform in order to sleep with me." "I'll do anything for you" replies the succubus. "Just name it."

So, the man says to the woman, "You know ... I really enjoy it when there's a sort of lightning effect. So, you must reach over to that switch on the wall and flick it on and off every few seconds." The woman agrees and starts flicking the light switch off with her left arm.

She then asks "Now can we have sex?"

"Not quite yet" replies the man. "Lightning is nice, but it doesn't really mean much without thunder. So, with your right leg, I want you to open and close the cabinet door whenever you flick the light on."

"OK" says the horny young maid, and she begins to coordinate her flicks and clacks.

"Now can we have sex?" she asks as she is switching between arm and leg movements.

"Not quite yet" replies the man. "This is all very nice, but there can't really be thunder and lightning without wind.. I'd like you to reach behind your head with your right hand and open and shut the windows."

She says "OK" and begins opening the shutter and closing it with her right hand. And of course, it's raining and some drops are coming in the window.

So, there she is, making lightning with her left hand, creating thunder with her right leg, and using her right hand to make wind and rain. Desperate and beyond understanding of his fetish, the young woman finally begs him "NOW can we have sex? PLEASE?!"

And the young man looks at her shocked and says, "What do you mean 'have sex'? In this weather?"

[bigbirdbird]

Hit While Crossing the Road


An Essex girl (blonde) is crossing the road, when she gets hit by an XR3. As she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out of the car to see if she is all right.

"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he blurts out.

"Everyfink is just a blur, I can't see a fing" she says, tearfully.

Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"

"Ah fuckin' 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm paralyzed from the waist down an all!!!"

[bigbirdbird]

Shorts


What does a pussy look like after sex?
Have you ever seen a Bulldog eating Mayonnaise?



How many animals fit in a condom.
A cock and a few hares.



Q: How can you pick out a paranoid Woman?
A: She's the one putting a condom on her Vibrator



Q: Why are pubic hairs curly?
A: So you don't poke your eye out.



Q: What are the two words every man does NOT want to hear after a blow job?
A: Kiss Me



Q: Did you hear that Hollywood is going to remake the exorcist?
A: It’s about a mother who hires the Devil to get a priest out of her son!



That awkward moment: When you make eye contact through the tiny slots in the toilet paper holder with the person in the next stall.

[bigbirdbird]

Wedding Night

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

She told him, "Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

[reading]

Originally Posted by 35cents

hilarious! nice one.....!

return +9, thanks bro

[bigbirdbird]

A little Off Topic But Very Funny For Us Sillyporean


Interesting .... Haha

In Singapore, majority of us live in HURRIEDLY DESIGNED BUILDINGS (HDB), constantly
UNDERGOING REMEDIAL ARCHITECTURE (URA).

We need to PAY AND PAY (PAP). Not only do we have to pay and pay, we PAY UNTIL BROKE (PUB).

Our roads are managed by people who PURPOSELY WANT to DIG (PWD).

To own a car, we need to CUT ON ENTERTAINMENT (COE).
Driving on our roads, we can't afford the EXPENSIVE ROAD POLICY (ERP).
The expressway is
CONGESTED THROUGHOUT EVERYDAY (CTE)
If you don't own a car, you need to take the MAD RUSH TRANSPORT (MRT), OR take a SLOW BUS SERVICE (SBS) which is run by those who require us NOT TO USE CASH (NTUC).

Luckily, despite the frequent rail breakdowns, they have the LET'S TRY AGAIN (LTA) spirit.

Not to worry in the end, we have CASH PROVIDED FUNERAL (CPF) to leave this world with dignity.

This is the life of a normal Singaporean!

[bigbirdbird]

Grade 6


A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.

Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.

Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is a burst of laughter from another male student.



She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

[bigbirdbird]

As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's very cheap.

One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.

One who sucks and doesn't speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.

I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in pretty handy.

Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I'm done, she wants no more.

Oh, send me a woman who will
not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and
that's a LOT from behind!

One who'll screw till my body's a twitchin'
and brings me a beer when she
comes from the kitchen!

I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.

Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.

[bigbirdbird]

As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy.

This is not the case with the following transcript of an on-line cyber -sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing an old t-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest

Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off. sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know,breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!