Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Matchmaker


The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all of my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters' -- I didn't say they were MY sisters!"

[bigbirdbird]

Queen Elizabeth Visits a Hospital





The Queen of England was visiting a hospital, and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.

"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses.
One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. "You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.

"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.
"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee.

Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.

Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the princess.

"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.

"Oh," the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better...I'll tell the queen."

[bigbirdbird]

Where Did I Come From?





One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you, Honey."

"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."

"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?"

"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."

The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

[bigbirdbird]

Three Virgin Daughters



Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.



Mum was a bit worried about how each daughter’s sex life would get started, and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: “Nescafe”

Puzzled at first, Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”

Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”

Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”

She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.

Mum waited for a week, nothing.

Another week went by and still nothing.

A month passed; still nothing.

A card finally arrived from Auckland, on which was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand.”

Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted!

[PaulMersan]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Queen Elizabeth Visits a Hospital





The Queen of England was visiting a hospital, and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.

"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses.
One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. "You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.

"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.
"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee.

Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.

Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the princess.

"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.

"Oh," the princess answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better...I'll tell the queen."

This is funny hehee

[hairsplit]

Bookmark this thread!

[S.B.Y.1]

*1. Sengkang Mr Zhong says : If you suck one nipple, the women herself offers the other one. And that was the origin of "buy one get one free"!*

*2. Did you ever notice: everything on a woman's upper body starts with a "B". Blouse, Bra, Bikini, Boobs and lower body with a "P" Peticoat, panties, pussy... That's origin of "BP"!*

*3. Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.*

*4. Success is like pregnancy. Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.*

*5. What is the difference between frustration and satisfaction? What the Fuck! and What a Fuck!*

*6. 3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!*

*7. Life is like a dick, sometimes it becomes hard for no reason.*

*8. Practical thought: A husband is supposed to make his wife's panties wet, not her eyes. A wife is supposed to make her husband's dick hard, not his life..!*

*9. When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say "Congrats!". But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".*

*Moral: Hard work is never appreciated: Only result matters.*

*Dont delete it unless forward it to a grp of naughty Friends*😉

[bigbirdbird]

DATING DICTIONARY

ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.

EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse

[bigbirdbird]

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

[bigbirdbird]

Words from a Pilot



During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.



The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "That's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

[bigbirdbird]

At the Pearly Gates


Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."

[bigbirdbird]

Final Exam



A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write."

[KTVbuddy]

great share bro! very funny jokes.

[hyperbole]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Final Exam



A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam.

He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write."

Simple and nice jokes. Thanks bro.

[oneitis]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Matchmaker


The Matchmaker goes to see Mr. Avery, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Avery, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr. Avery, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all of my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters' -- I didn't say they were MY sisters!"

I love to have more sisters too.

Bro Bird, thanks.