Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Another technical problem solved.

[birdie8819]

Dating Different Type of Girls

Here's a summary about what you should expect when dating with chicks from different races.


Chinese Meimei

First Date
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second Date
You buy her an even more expensive dinner.
Again, Nothing Happens!

Third Date
You usually don't get up to third date because you should be smart enough to realize that nothing is ever going to happen unless you provide the 5'Cs…


INDIAN MINACHI

First Date
Meet her parents.

Second Date
Set the date of the wedding.

Third Date
Wedding night.


MALAY MINAH

First Date
You get to blow her a good nite kiss after a date and
Hold her hand.

Second Date
You get to hug her and make out a bit.

Third Date
Set a wedding date & get married.
She moves in. One week later, her father, her 4 mother,
Her 18 sisters, her 20 brothers, all of their kids, her 16 grandmas, her father's girlfriend's mother, her 268 cousins all move in.

But don't worry you can repeat this 4 times. ;-)


WHITE MARY

First Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

Second Date
You both get drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary
You both get drunk and have sex.


ARAB AL-KATIJAH

First Date
Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.

Second Date
You are shot dead.

Third date
Not Applicable

[birdie8819]

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences. The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, fire trucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms.

The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time. The third guy, a retired undertaker, started, "One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

[birdie8819]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 ;program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support

[balidubai]

Ugliest Partner

An American moves to this remote town in the Scottish highlands. On his first night there he goes out to the local pub and after a few pints he notices that there are no women around. He asks these two guys next to him where to find the women in town.

One of the Scotsman says, "Really aren't any women in town that aren't married."

The American finds this news disturbing and asks, "Well what do you do for fun?"

The other Scotsman says, "We usually go down to the pasture and find a sheep to fuck."

The American is horrified and leaves the pub. After a couple years in town he begins to crack. He goes back to the pub and finds the same two Scotsmen.

He says, "I'm fucking losing it. I need some sex. Tonight when you guys go down to the pasture take me with you."

So they head down to the pasture a the Scots say, "Since you've never done this before we'll let you go first."

The American grabs the first sheep he can get his hands on and starts fucking away. The two Scotsmen are double over with laughter.

The American says, "Hey! Why are you laughing? I thought you guys did this all the time."

The Scotsmen say, "We do! But you chose the ugliest one!"

[balidubai]

Lost Husband

An old Italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated, so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to ask another saleswoman, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and asks, "Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?"

The saleswoman answers, "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here licketysplit."

"No, no, no, thatsa not-a my Tony. He pinch-a the ass, grab-a the tits...but he no lickety split!"

[balidubai]

No Underpants

An American lady on vacation in Scotland is visiting a Scottish castle.

There are these Scottish guards everywhere all decked out in their Scottish uniforms outfitted with the traditional Scottish kilt.

Her curiosity was killing her and she was just not going to make the trip all the way from the USA without asking the proverbial question.

A bit nervous she goes up to one and blurts out, "Excuse me Sir, but is their any truth to the story that you don't wear any underpants under your kilt?"

He answers, "Well, Ma'am, why don't you put your hand up underneath and see for yourself?"

So she does, and screams out, "Oh good heavens, its gruesome!"

The guard replies, "Why don't you try again, Ma'am?"

And she obliges. "Oh, God damn, its gruesome more!"

[balidubai]

Bullshit Session

The Aussie, the Yank and the Canadian were having a bullshit session on this cruise ship.

The Aussie said, "In Australia we have sheep that are so big they take all day to be shorn."

The Yank said, "That's nothing, in Texas our cattle are so big the steaks have to be turned with a fork lift."

The Canadian said, "That's nothing, we have women with pussies this big." (He then stretched his hands so wide it'd do the biggest fish justice.)

"I can't believe you mate" the Aussie remarked.

"How do you screw them then?" asked the Yank.

"They stretch man, they stretch."

[ah rat]

Don't let the PM see this or he will include it in the Budget!

NEW TAX CODE

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around
unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it
is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there
penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a
corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective January 1, 2010, penises will be taxed according to
size. The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-9" Pole Tax

6"-7" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone
under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!

[seesaw]

A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realising he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the pening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit................................. Which now had a button sewn neatly on the end... Ouch!!!!

[konnects]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me
have sex with you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
Pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

[konnects]

The Money Sex

In a bar people were once playing cards then suddenly one guy dropped once of his card under the table so he went down to get it. As he looked up under the tabe he saw one of the girls who was playing with him haden't got any underwear on; just a mini skirt!

He was tempted to touch as suddenly there threw a note down to him that said 'See anything u like, when we take a 30 minute break follow me if you do... we are gonna get naughty under the covers big boy'

At the 30 minute break they had SEX and went back to the bar to finish the game.

Turned out that that guy won so everyone gave him money exept for that girl. The man asked for it but the girl said "I already gave you what you wanted tonight" and went past tickling his ass!

[konnects]

Dying of thirst

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you have sex with me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then have sex with you."

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. He and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "Well, let's do it!"

The man agrees to start but only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, uses it on her and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "The hell with the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

[konnects]

Obstetrician Visit

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[konnects]

The Laws of Golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.