Sick and tired of being a Loser

[SushiJiro]

Originally Posted by gimmeporn

Hi TS

What i am trying to say is that there is a life ahead of you (you are only 27) and instead of telling us how you failed to have a gf, why don't you tell us how you discovered xx number of ways not to fall into the marriage trap?

When it happens, please do not expect it to be natural all the time, sometimes it takes work to get things done and not whine and want to die about it. The loneliness is nothing, WILL is everything.

I come to the realization that there comes a point in some cases where we ought to stop chasing for things in life - be it for love, for money or any objection of desire.

To draw an analogy, let's say i am chasing very hard for money. Instead of chasing after short term monetary gain, i could focus hard on what i am doing and be the possibly best in what i am doing. Being an excellent skilled craftsman in any trade would consequently leads to money start rolling in - the best hairstylist or the best hawker selling fried kway teow would definitely earns more than the average office worker. But of course, this comes with considerable sacrifice, long time and hard work.

Coming back to the issue of finding love, i absolutely agree with what many bros here have already grasped - the investment should start with you as a person.

Narcissist as it may sounds, i have to work really hard to focus on myself in order to forget the someone who is missing from my life. Gone are the days where i will keep looking at my phone and wait hours for a sms reply. Instead, i try my best to focus on tasks during office hours. My social calendar is gradually filled up with catching up with many friends and people who treasure my company. I went to Browhaus to have my eyebrow threaded, bought a couple of new shirts, and i am thinking of taking up some kickboxing or muay thai classes.

My advice to all bros who are facing the same challenge- invest in yourself and re-engineer your life in aspects which are not working well/lacking previously, be it career, not enough personal savings or a lacklustre social life.

[timeonmyhands]

Yes, the way you've framed the situation, you will feel negative. Especially when you assess and reasses over and over again, playback only amplifies those feelings. But here is a fact - feelings are not reality. Reality is the environment's response to your action and each tranaction forms your reality.

Suggest you stop responding to your feelings and stop playback of every encounter. At least for a week. Everytime you feel the urge to, go do something - wax your car, do some push ups, PCC whatever. You are not in a frame of mind to do this for a positive outcome. Contemplation and reflection are helpful activities for personal growth but it is done with positivity. With negativity, it is called ruminating, dont do it bro.

[timeonmyhands]

TS, your last post is spot on!
Don't know why I could not see it before posting my follow-up.
Forgive my rambling and get on with what you said!
Two thumbs up!

[Enzo]

Originally Posted by SushiJiro

I understand how you feel. I am 31 this year, and has attended at least 10 of my secondary school classmates wedding. With a few mores coming up.
The comparison certaintly makes this being single thing a whole lot worse than it actually. I am usually fine eating by myself until a couple comes sitting next table to mine and starts feeding each other haha...

You're about the same age as me.

The fortunate thing for me I don't have to attend as many weddings as you do. Thank god for that if not I'll be real depressed.

The typical advice given by people is to preoccupy yourself with something, be involved with activities, get to know new people, do charity work, focus on your career or stuff like that. yea those things do keep you occupied but that's just pushing your feelings to the side of the brain, and when the moment comes where you are alone by yourself or having to attend events like weddings, everything comes as one big wave and hits you hard again. You can fool your brain, but you can't fool your heart in the long run. The heart wants what the heart wants. We can deny the pain, but it doesn't mean it's gone.

What all heart broken and lonely people are facing is the feeling that we feel unwanted and left behind while we see all those around us, especially those we know leaving us behind to set up their own lives and families. We desire the same kind of happiness to have, of having a partner who loves us, to walk down the journey of life with us, someone to share our ups and downs with, someone to share joys and sorrows with.

It's inherent in every single human being to want to be loved. Yes we are loved by our families and friends, but it's different. Every human being needs ALL the various types of love. And every human being is afraid of being alone, just a matter of whether we admit it or not.

A slightly similar feeling would be akin to an old person watching his friends passing on from this world one by one. He can get to know new people sure, but it doesn't change the fact that the heart can feel the disappearing of the people he was once very close to in his life one by one.

Are we losers? Probably not and we do know it. We are in pain but we are not stupid. But that's what we feel. We feel like losers even though we know we aren't. We ask ourselves why others can be in a happy relationship and we can't? We aren't worse than others. Is there something wrong with us that we don't even know? Are we so undeserving of being loved? We beat ourselves up emotionally and mentally. Some like TS here try to get back to the dating game, but with each rejection, it compounds on the pain.

[ahpui99]

Hi bro enzo

It sucks but i also got quite a few female friends who are single and in their mid 30s.

We men got our options. We can go CP. we can do commercial in sg. We can wait for xiao mei mei to grow up a little but more and then try luck when age is ok.

Men before 40 always got chance.
There is something else important though. Need to be able to be reasonably earn a respectable income and take care of yourself.

Women will find u curious and flock to you.

In fact, bros like warbird who is a seasoned player, can teach all of us how to lead a successful life...

[gimmeporn]

Originally Posted by SushiJiro

I come to the realization that there comes a point in some cases where we ought to stop chasing for things in life - be it for love, for money or any objection of desire.

To draw an analogy, let's say i am chasing very hard for money. Instead of chasing after short term monetary gain, i could focus hard on what i am doing and be the possibly best in what i am doing. Being an excellent skilled craftsman in any trade would consequently leads to money start rolling in - the best hairstylist or the best hawker selling fried kway teow would definitely earns more than the average office worker. But of course, this comes with considerable sacrifice, long time and hard work.

Coming back to the issue of finding love, i absolutely agree with what many bros here have already grasped - the investment should start with you as a person.

Narcissist as it may sounds, i have to work really hard to focus on myself in order to forget the someone who is missing from my life. Gone are the days where i will keep looking at my phone and wait hours for a sms reply. Instead, i try my best to focus on tasks during office hours. My social calendar is gradually filled up with catching up with many friends and people who treasure my company. I went to Browhaus to have my eyebrow threaded, bought a couple of new shirts, and i am thinking of taking up some kickboxing or muay thai classes.

My advice to all bros who are facing the same challenge- invest in yourself and re-engineer your life in aspects which are not working well/lacking previously, be it career, not enough personal savings or a lacklustre social life.

Good on you my friend. Take stock of yourself, invest in it and wait fr the right moment to reap the rewards. I will not wish you luck here, you go make your own and start living.

[SushiJiro]

Originally Posted by Enzo

What all heart broken and lonely people are facing is the feeling that we feel unwanted and left behind while we see all those around us, especially those we know leaving us behind to set up their own lives and families. We desire the same kind of happiness to have, of having a partner who loves us, to walk down the journey of life with us, someone to share our ups and downs with, someone to share joys and sorrows with.

It's inherent in every single human being to want to be loved. Yes we are loved by our families and friends, but it's different. Every human being needs ALL the various types of love. And every human being is afraid of being alone, just a matter of whether we admit it or not.

A slightly similar feeling would be akin to an old person watching his friends passing on from this world one by one. He can get to know new people sure, but it doesn't change the fact that the heart can feel the disappearing of the people he was once very close to in his life one by one.

Are we losers? Probably not and we do know it. We are in pain but we are not stupid. But that's what we feel. We feel like losers even though we know we aren't. We ask ourselves why others can be in a happy relationship and we can't? We aren't worse than others. Is there something wrong with us that we don't even know? Are we so undeserving of being loved? We beat ourselves up emotionally and mentally. Some like TS here try to get back to the dating game, but with each rejection, it compounds on the pain.

Absolutely true bro. You have written out exactly how i feel towards this issue.

Physical loneliness itself is not difficult to manage - there are plenty of dining & entertainment options which an average joe can reasonably afford to have in SG.
And like many bros here have suggested, as guys we also have the option of commercial sex be it GL, free lance or KTV and the list goes on...

At the heart of the issue is the awful feeling of being unwanted and undesired - the feeling there must be something inadequate about me which is why i am unable to find a gal who is willing to sleep with because she likes me and not because of money.
And there is also this social stigma like when i attend new year gatherings, and my younger sibling and most of my cousins are attached and coming with their partners. It's occasions like this where i feel like a sore thumb sticking out...

And like what you have brillantly pointed out, even if i could push aside and disregard all the external stigma & prejudices, at the end of the day, i can't escape my own feelings. The feeling of being unloved and unwanted.

It's a double whammy for people in such situations usually - first, i have to cope with the rejection and disappointment of being turned down by the person i like. And then, i have to deal with the self esteem issues and depression that follows.

Today, like i have mentioned earlier, i have resolved to live my life differently. I cannot control how others will treat or depise me, but i can certaintly treat myself with respect. I reckoned, it's bad enough the bitch does not appreciate after i have done so much for her and treat me with contempt, why should i make it worse for myself?
I should spend on myself to make myself happy, hang out with people who respect and enjoy my company (in my case, it's 90% guys- but so what), i resolve to only do things that makes me happy from now onwards.

[HCKing]

TS i think u got a self-esteem issue here.

ask yrself: why shld i bother so much whether others like me or not? WHO THE FARK ARE THEY?

[Enzo]

Originally Posted by ahpui99

Hi bro enzo

It sucks but i also got quite a few female friends who are single and in their mid 30s.

We men got our options. We can go CP. we can do commercial in sg. We can wait for xiao mei mei to grow up a little but more and then try luck when age is ok.

Men before 40 always got chance.
There is something else important though. Need to be able to be reasonably earn a respectable income and take care of yourself.

Women will find u curious and flock to you.

In fact, bros like warbird who is a seasoned player, can teach all of us how to lead a successful life...

your statement about the xiao mei mei part cracked me up.

I'm aware that there are other ladies who are in their 30s yet still single.Sometimes I do wonder why they are still single, some of them that I know too are not unattractive. It's much easier for women to find men than the other way around if they are not picky.

[ahtat77]

Ts,IMHO women are usually attracted to men who are capable ,does well in their careers or have $$$ to spend on them.If you want to get a date,why don't you think of ways to impress her with how generous you can be while getting to know her better? To be rejected once might be a coincidence,but if you know that there's something wrong in your approach then it's time...

[Jackboy]

Totally agreed with that.
Spare the rod...spoil the child...

[Yumenotameni]

Just let it come to you and not by force. I can understand how bitter you feel when you learnt that your ex-gf is happily married with children. But there is so much you can do for your life instead of searching for a gf just to make yourself feel better.

My advice for you is not to look and read your ex gf's facebook and focus mainly on yourself. Only look at her facebook after you have successfully become a better and useful person. Always turn negative energy to strength and after sometime, you will see the result.