Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[1stprize5088]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

X-ray joke...

Nice joke bro!
Hope can read more jokes.

[1stprize5088]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Always Wear Your Undies


Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle, especially in public.

Also another nice bro sharing nice jokes.
Thanks very much.

[autonomous]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said Rs.50/-

"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Subramaniam came home from work.

The Bird Looked at Him & said, "New House, New Madam, New girls...but same old customer...Hi Subramaniam"

... AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED !!
😂😂😂😂

✋👮‍♂ Joke Of The Day..🕺🕺🕺

Die lah subra. Old client.

[VVDPink]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

X-ray joke...

Good joke bro, hope to read more.

[KotexGMTMaster]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said Rs.50/-

"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "That's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Subramaniam came home from work.

The Bird Looked at Him & said, "New House, New Madam, New girls...but same old customer...Hi Subramaniam"

... AND THEN THE FIGHT STARTED !!
😂😂😂😂

✋👮‍♂ Joke Of The Day..🕺🕺🕺

Wah liao Maniam, jialat.

[KotexGMTMaster]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Family Gathering

There was a family gathering, with all generations around

Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself, because he had to go to the bathroom for a pee. When he returned, however, his trousers were wet all over.

'What happened, Grandpa?' asked his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. I took my penis out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Another nice joke from bro bigbirdbird. Thank you so much.

[sunshots]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

2 pictorial jokes.

Wahahahaa very nice share

[VVDPink]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

😂😂

A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. She was very upset.

Haha this is funny too!

[Hurricane88]

Sikh or sick joke...

[bigbirdbird]

GUY QUIZ

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town


2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:

a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers


3. You time your orgasm so that:

a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter


4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about


5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:

a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra


6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate


7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron


8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride


9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?

a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, YOU."


10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:

a) probably needs more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place











If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're still a little confused.

If you answered "c" more than 7 times.... "YOU DA MAN!

[bigbirdbird]

At a Nude Beach


A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why.

The mother told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is."

Satisfied with the answer, the boy left to play in the ocean, but returned to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "pee-pees" than his dad.

His mother explained, "The bigger they are the dumber that person is."

Again, satisfied with the answer, the boy returned to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again, promptly informing his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets!"

[bigbirdbird]

Horse Auction

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"

"Because I'm buying horses. I have to make sure they are healthy, and in good shape before I buy."

Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away."

"Why?", asked his father.

"Because the UPS man stopped by yesterday, and I think he definitely wants to buy Mom."

[bigbirdbird]

The Man of Your House


The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE".

He stormed in to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands.

Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

[bigbirdbird]

Sex Frogs


A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says: 'SEX FROGS'

Only $20 each!

Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whisperssoftly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions ... please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringingher doorbell.

The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions.

The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

“LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME....!”

[bigbirdbird]

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

The tycoon replies: "I’ve had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”


The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you screwing your secretary”.