Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

Top 10 things a woman would do if she woke up in the morning with a penis:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at the urinal.

6. Determine why you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch/Shift yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may be to others.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the reason for the light refraction that occurs between man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member.

And the # 1 thing a woman would do is:

1. Repeat # 9.

[birdie8819]

Pete, a very proper man started going into the neighbourhood chemist every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.

Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the pharamist, Jim felt he had to say something to Pete. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

Pete looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, Jim asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

Pete answered, "I feed them to my poodle. This way when she goes to the bathroom, she shits in little plastic baggies."

[birdie8819]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."


************

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

[vince_kid]

great jokes here...
thanks to all bros for sharing.

[Roman city]

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?” The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.” The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. “Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…”

[bakylotus]

An old Punjabi sailor puts on his old
uniform and heads for the docks once
more, for old time's sake. He engages
a prostitute and takes her up to a
room. He's soon going at it as well as
he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I
doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Jai Ho, you're
doing about three knots.

'Three knots?' he asks, 'What's that
suppose to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot
in and you're knot getting your money back!'.

[seesaw]

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work:

Did you have good sex last night?

No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.


At the same time their husbands are talking at work:

Did you have good sex last night?

Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.

[seesaw]

Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Roman city]

Having already downed a few power drinks, the woman turned to the man beside her, looked him straight in the eyes and said, “Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean… it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.” Eyes wide with interest, he responded, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

[bakylotus]

ONLY IN AMERICA.....

Where drugstores make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store
to get their prescriptions while
healthy people can buy cigarettes at
the front.

Where people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries and a diet coke.

Where people leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put useless
junk in the garage.

Where people buy hotdogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight.

and only in America where banks leave their
vault doors open but chain the pens to the
counters.

[Roman city]

A man goes to a doctor and says “I’ve just been raped by an elephant. What should I do?” The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. “That’s strange… your asshole is almost 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had long thin dicks?” to which the man replies “Yeah, but he fingered me first.”

[bakylotus]

EVER WONDER.....

Why the sun lightens our hair but
darkens our skin?

Why don't we ever see the headline
'Psychic wins lottery'?

Why 'abbreviated' is such a long
word?

Why is it that doctors call what
they do a practice?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial
flavour and dishwashing liquid made
with real lemons?

Why the guy who invest all your money
is called broker?

Why is the time of the day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why didn't Noah swatted those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilise the needle used for
lethal injections?

Why are they called apartments when they are
all stuck together?

and why if flying is so safe they called the airport
terminal?

[holydead]

My contribution.

Blonde jokes.

A group of Blondes decided that it was not ok to assicaite dumbness with blondes so they decided to hold a convention to proof to the world that blondes are not dumb.

On the actual day of the convention,with the presence of a nationwide media coverage, the host decided to test a blonde on stage, in front of 60,000 blondes and the national media, to prove that blondes are not dumb by asking a few questions.

A brave blonde come on stage and the host asked her....
Host: What is 15 plus 15?
After 30 seconds the blonde shouted "44!!!" The crowd went "OOOHHHHH......"
Slightly embarrassed, the host shook his head. But the crowd went" Give her another chance<give her another chance" So the host asked another question.
Host : What is 10 plus 10?
The blonde took 1 full minute this time and shouted" 18!!!"
Again the crowd went "OOOHHHH...." The host,much ammbrassed this time again shook his head, but the crowd again went " Give her another chance,give her another chance" So the host,in order to support the notion that blondes are not dumb asked another question.
Host: What is 1 plus 1? The blonde took 3 minutes thus time and shouted "2!!!"
The crowd went " OOOHHHH.... Give her another chance,give her another chance."

[holydead]

Ah Boy was bathing with mum and saw her vagina and asked her "Mum,what is that???" Mum too embarrassed to answer said " Its a brush" Ah boy then asked " How much for it?" Mum said "$10"
The next day Ah Boy was bathing with his dad and saw his penis and asked " Dad, what is that??" Dad just said " Brush lah" And Ah Boy asked again " How much for it???" And Dad just replied " Errrr....$10"
Immediately Ah Boy ran to his mum and said" Mum, you got cheated. Dad's brush is also $10 but his got handle and yours no handle."

[Roman city]

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while fooling around and being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocks the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.

To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife “What’s up with all the notes?” to which his wife replies, “Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are.”