Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Hurricane88]

a very beautifully constructed message . read it fully .

*Leader:* Yes now the right time has come .

*Public:* will you loot the Nation ?

*Leader:* Oh No .

*Public:* Will you work for us .

*Leader:* Yes very much .

*Public:* Will you increase the prices and cost of living?

*Leader:* Don't think about that .

*Public:* will you provide us jobs and livelihood ?

*Leader:* Surely will do that .

*Public:* will you do Scams and do misappropriations .

*Leader:* Are you mad, absolutely not .

*Public:* Can we believe in and trust you ?

*Leader:* yes .

*Public:* Oh our leader .

The leader won the election and returned elected

*Now read from bottom to top.*

[water_boi]

was having a conversation with my friend at the coffee shop.....

me: damn CB, the other day i went for a check up and guess what the doc told me?

Friend: simi lanjiao???

me: he told me to cut back on my drinks.....

Friend: wtf sia.. then have you?

me: no la.. nowadays, i just don't drink in front of the mirror, can liao..

Friend: ...........................................

[water_boi]

brought my son to a mall over the weekend, n this came up

me: oei, must hold hand, and dun wander far away from me please.

son: why ah papa?

me: because i can't run after the bad guys if they snatch you.

son: oh, but papa, the policemen can chase after them ma.

me: why you said so son

son: because the policemen are not as fat as you, of cos they can run faster ma.

me: CB................................................ .........

[ligasantander]

Originally Posted by water_boi

brought my son to a mall over the weekend, n this came up

me: oei, must hold hand, and dun wander far away from me please.

son: why ah papa?

me: because i can't run after the bad guys if they snatch you.

son: oh, but papa, the policemen can chase after them ma.

me: why you said so son

son: because the policemen are not as fat as you, of cos they can run faster ma.

me: CB................................................ .........

Nice jokea and really smart kid.

Cheers.

[eauclaire]

Originally Posted by water_boi

was having a conversation with my friend at the coffee shop.....

me: damn CB, the other day i went for a check up and guess what the doc told me?

Friend: simi lanjiao???

me: he told me to cut back on my drinks.....

Friend: wtf sia.. then have you?

me: no la.. nowadays, i just don't drink in front of the mirror, can liao..

Friend: ...........................................

Thanks for nice joke.

[tianshuimaster]

Very nice jokea thread, thanka all for sharing.

[pinkthunder]

Originally Posted by water_boi

brought my son to a mall over the weekend, n this came up

me: oei, must hold hand, and dun wander far away from me please.

son: why ah papa?

me: because i can't run after the bad guys if they snatch you.

son: oh, but papa, the policemen can chase after them ma.

me: why you said so son

son: because the policemen are not as fat as you, of cos they can run faster ma.

me: CB................................................ .........

Thanks bro for sharing good joke.

[dossear]

Originally Posted by Hurricane88

a very beautifully constructed message . read it fully .

*Leader:* Yes now the right time has come .

*Public:* will you loot the Nation ?

*Leader:* Oh No .

*Public:* Will you work for us .

*Leader:* Yes very much .

*Public:* Will you increase the prices and cost of living?

*Leader:* Don't think about that .

*Public:* will you provide us jobs and livelihood ?

*Leader:* Surely will do that .

*Public:* will you do Scams and do misappropriations .

*Leader:* Are you mad, absolutely not .

*Public:* Can we believe in and trust you ?

*Leader:* yes .

*Public:* Oh our leader .

The leader won the election and returned elected

*Now read from bottom to top.*

Nice share bro

[bigbirdbird]

Q: What's the difference between a boxer and a woman?

A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up.

*********

Top 10 signs your mate is getting cyber sex

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!
9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!
8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!
7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"
6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!
5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!
4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!
3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!
2) The keyboard is moist!
1) She comes home with a rubber+- inflatable disk drive!

[bigbirdbird]

A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary. "HA," he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can grow hair on your chest!"

On that, she hikes up her skirt, drops her panties, and thrust her pubic area forward. "There! I have hair on my chest, now buy me a fur coat."

"That's not your chest!" he roars back.

"Damn right it's my chest." she argued. "Before we got married, this was your hope chest. On our honeymoon, it was your treasure chest. Afterwards, it became our family chest. AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT IT WILL SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"

[bigbirdbird]

A Condom for Her Cigarette

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and smoke, when it starts to rain.

Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: "What in the hell is that?"

Jane: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Arlene: "Where did you get it?"

Jane: "You can get them at any pharmacy."

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter, Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

[bigbirdbird]

Things Not to do While Waiting for Your Date at Her Parents' House


* Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

* Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

* Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

* Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.

* Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

* Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

* Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

* Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

* Pretend to eat your arm.

* Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

[bigbirdbird]

Overheard at the STD Clinic




The quotes below are complaints reported by clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases.



Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments:

"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma, and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

[bigbirdbird]

The Arab in a Shipwreck


An Arab was washed up on the shore of a desert island after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.

Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Arab.

Soon he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the Arab man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.

The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Arab man had ever seen without Burkha.

She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening -- red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Arab started to get 'those feelings', and thanked Allah for bestowing the moment to satisfy his carnal desire.

He cuddled up close to the young woman and whispered in her ear, ' Would you mind taking the dog for a walk? '

[Hurricane88]

Picture laughter...