Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Pussies-Licker]

thank you to all contributors and sharers here.
good work. keep sharing.

[birdie8819]

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a . . . Well . . . Unusual request. But you have to first promise me you'll keep it a secret."The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!""

And since I''ve been wanting to ever since you came in the door . . .""Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"',

[birdie8819]

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He''s got spiked, multi colouredhair that''s green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he''s wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring are big, bright feathers.

He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What areyou looking at you old fart...didn''t you ever do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."'.

[birdie8819]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

[birdie8819]

The fifty-year old son was complaining to his 75 year old father: "Dad, lately I've been having a problem with impotence. Tell me, do you have the same problem? Is it something that runs in our family?"

"Well," his father replied, "I don't know about your mother's side of the family, but I've never had reason to complain. Why, when I was a lad, I would work up a good hard-on, hang a bucket of water from it, and walk the full length of a football field. But nowadays, my knees give out when I'm about half way."

[Roman city]

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. “Papa fell in the well last week – ” he began. “Good heavens,” shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. “Is he all right now?” “He must be,” said little Irving. “He stopped yelling for help yesterday.”

[bakylotus]

JUDGING OTHERS


An elephant asked the camel, 'Why are your breasts
on your back?'

'Well', said the camel, 'I think that's quite an inappropriate
question from someone whose dick is on his face'.

[PussyDigger2]

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening.
She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents.
He has a bad case of gas and really needs to releive some pressure.
Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him.
He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.
He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it."
He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts.
Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

[PussyDigger2]

There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

[PussyDigger2]

The Smartest Man In The World

There were 3 people in a crashing plane, the smartest man in the world, the president of the USA, and a little girl.
There were only two parachutes.
The smartest man in the world stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should be the ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those."
With that he grabbed one and jumped out.
The president looks at the little girl and says "I've led a good long life, you take the last parachute."
And the little girl replies, "Don't worry, we can both have one, the smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

[PussyDigger2]

The Condoms Board

Man enters a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?"
to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure."
The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole your erect penis fits into is the correct size of condom for you."
20 minutes later the man comes back and tells the pharmacist, "I've changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board"?

[66cccc66]

The Horny Husband's Plot

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife.
He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."
She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!"
He replied, "Thank God!"

[66cccc66]

Picking Fruit

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit.
The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun.
"Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer.
The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer.
The farmer says,"now shove em' all up your ass."
The guy gets all 100 up his ass.
He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.
"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer.
To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"

[66cccc66]

Q. What's the definition of eternity?
A. The time between when you cum and she leaves.

Q. What's the best part of having a homeless girlfriend?
A. You can drop her off where ever you want!

Q. What's the bad news about being a test tube baby?
A. You know for sure that your dad is a wanker.

Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A. A cock that stays up all night.

Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends!

Q. Did you hear about the blind circumcicionist?
A. He got the sack.

[soundlab]

Massage

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'