Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[~oyster~]

Sperm Talk

So one sperm says to the other "When do we get to the ovaries?"

The other replies "Ovaries! We're not even past the throat yet!"

[~oyster~]

Let Me Suck on your Nipples

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."

He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just just give you a big sloppy kiss then."

She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."

"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."

She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.

He yells, "I'll kill him!"

She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.

She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"

Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fxxk with anyone who can drink that much beer."

[~oyster~]

Condoms are So Funny

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist.

"What's could be so funny about buying a condom, anyway?"

So he tells his clerk "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes." Sure enough, the next day the same man is back, he buys the condom, and again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.

The pharmacist tells his clerk, go follow the guy. About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store...now the CLERK is laughing!

"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist. The clerk replies "Your house."

[~oyster~]

Tarzan Finally Meets a Jane

Tarzan had been living alone in his
jungle kingdom for 30 years with only
apes for company, and suitably
shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a
reporter, came to Africa in search of
this legendary figure.

Deep in the wilds she came to a
clearing and discovered Tarzan
vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of
animal passion Jane came out into
the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass
Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a
big kick in the crotch. In pain she
screamed "What the hell did you do
that for?"

Tarzan replied, "Checking for
Squirrels."

[marlborotan]

tks for sharing bros

[~oyster~]

Doctor, I Think I'm Impotent

97 year old man comes to his doctor looking depressed. He says "Doc, I think I'm impotent." Doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens, about how as the body ages bodily functions slow down and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in sexual desire. How the man shouldn't worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah. Finally the doctor asks "When did you first begin to think you were impotent?"

"Three times last night, and again this morning."

[bakylotus]

What are the 3 best things in life?

A martini before and a nap afterwards!

[soundlab]

Chinese man walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer
that he is going to China on business for two weeks
and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need
some form of security for the loan, so the Chinese man
hands over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the
street in front of the bank. He produces the title and
everything checks out.

The Loan officer agrees to accept the car as
collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its
officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Chinese for
using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a
$5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into
the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two
weeks later, the Chinese returns, repays the $5,000
and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to
have had your business, and this transaction has
worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multi-millionaire. What puzzles us is why
you would bother to borrow $5, 000.The Chinese
replies:

"Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there
safely when I return

[soundlab]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions....
Officer: What's 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!
Officer: What's the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm... 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case! """

[soundlab]

A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F " (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F " again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F", Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?
"The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

[soundlab]

The Teacher tells the class they are going to play a game,she will
describe an object and the students will tell her what she had
described.
Teacher: "The first object is Red, Round, and has a stem."
Timmy: " I know what it is, it's an apple."
"Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking."
"OK the next item is round, has a peel, and you eat it."
Christopher: "I know what it is, it's an orange."
Teacher: "That's right, I like the way you're thinking.
Johnny: "Can I try, Teacher? "
Teacher: ""Yes Johnny, but, keep it clean!"
Johnny sticks his hands in his pockets and feels around for a second, and says "My object is round, hard, and has a head on it."
Teacher: "Alright Johnny, go to the office!"
Johnny: "No Teacher, it's a quarter, but, I like the way you're thinking!"

[A Red Devils]

A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married, she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon, when the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, she stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and let out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Excuse please, front hole so happy back hole whistle."

[A Red Devils]

The following are actual products in Japan that have awful English mistranslations:

* "Discover Japanese People Alive in their Festivals!" (Japan Travel Bureau travel guide)
* Cookie Face (cosmetics)
* Salad Girl (more cosmetics)
* Skin clock for those wishing to become a dog (calendar)
* Naive Lady (toilet paper)
* The Goo (soup)
* Pork with fresh garbage (cabbage)
* Specialist in Deceased Children (diseased)
* Finest Moldy Cheese
* Liver Putty (Japanese SPAM)
* My Fanny Toilet Paper
* My Pee Diapers
* Nail Remover (nail polish remover)
* Pocari Sweat (beverage)

[A Red Devils]

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

[A Red Devils]

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.

Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !

Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !

Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted.

The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")