Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Ehiku]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU’RE NOT LISTENING!!!… Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: “Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride”.

[Ehiku]

One says “Did your hear the news – Mike is dead!”

“Wooo, what the hell happened to him?”

“Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn’t brake properly and boom – He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof – Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.”

“What a horrible way to die!”

“No no, he survived that, that didn’t kill him at all. So, he’s landed in my upstairs bedroom and he’s all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He’s just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.”

“What a way to go, that’s terrible!”

“No no, that didn’t kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.”

“Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!”"No no, that didn’t kill him, he even survived that. So he’s on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.”

“Man, what a way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He’s lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn’t mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.”

“Now that is one awful way to go!”

“No no, he survived that, he …”

“Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?”

“I shot him!”

“You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?”

“He was wrecking my f**king house.”

[Ehiku]

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

“Do you have the container it comes in?”

“Yes!” said the blonde, “I’ll go home and get it.”

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,

“To apply, push up bottom.”

[Green Smoke]

bros,
all of you have done a great job.
keep sharing the jokes.

[iamthe1]

A Scottish man, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a pub discussing the best pubs around.
The Englishman says, ''There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every that you buy.'' (1 for 1)
The Scot is not impressed and says, ''That's nothing! In the Highlands every time you buy a drink the landlord buys you two.'' (buy 1 get 2 free!)
At this point the Englishman is fairly impressed. The Irishman, totally unimpressed, says ''That's nothing. In Dublin there's this pub where the landlord buys your drinks all night, and then when the bar shuts he takes you into a room and makes love to you.''
The Scot and Englishman are well impressed and ask if the Irishman goes there a lot. He replies ''No, but my sister told me about it.''

if u like this joke, pls up me...

[birdie8819]

Q. Why do women enjoy giving blow jobs?
A. They know it's about the only time that they can get anything straight in their heads.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who went to visit the Home for the profoundly Retarded and met a young female patient there who had practically nothing on?
A. When he went back to revisit nine months later she had a little moron.

Q. What's the definition of a woman?
A. Life support for a vagina.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

[birdie8819]

Things To Do With A Detachable Penis

1. Take it for a ride on its very own set of training wheels.

2. Slip it into a bun and give new meaning to "Hot Dog."

3. Wave it in front of John Bobbitt and scream "She's at it again!"

4. Use it to test water depth.

5. Use it to test water temperature.

6. Throw it on the ground and watch as passerby scream in horror and disgust (or gasp in awe).

7. Use it as a temporary replacement for a vibrator, until you get new batteries.

8. Use it as a floatation device.

9. Use it to demonstrate how to put on a condom in sex education classes.

10. Use it as the tee in a golf game.

11. Use it as a stirrer for coffee (or tea) when a spoon isn't available.

12. Use it as a Christmas ornament (best done if decorated with green and red glitter).

13. Use it to teach your dog to play fetch.

14. Keep it as a reminder of why you chose to be celibate.

15. Use it as a lucky charm.

16. Use it as a substitute for cigarettes to help ease your craving.

17. Use it as a vacuum hose attachment.

18. Use it as a pacifier for your "significant other."

19. Use it as a chew toy for your dog.

20. Use it as a scratching post for your cat.

Feel free to add other uses (as desired).

[birdie8819]

Austin Powers Pick Up Lines...

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

2. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt)....Let's get you out of these wet clothes.

3. Nice legs...what time do they open?

4. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

5. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

6. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

7. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

8. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher,have you seen one?

9. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

10. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

11. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

12. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

13. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

14. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

15. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

19. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

20. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

21. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

22. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

23. My name is Austin ... remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

24. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

25. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

26. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."

27. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

28. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.

29. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

30. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.

31. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

32. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

33. Do you sleep on your stomach? no..........? Can I???

34. Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.

35. I lost my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

[bakylotus]

SCREAMS


An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking in
a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.

The Italian said, 'Last night I massaged my wife all over her
body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love
and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes'.

The Frenchman said, 'Last night I massaged my wife all over
with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love.
I made her screamed for fifteen minutes straight'.

The Indian said, 'That's nothing. Last night I massaged my
wife all over with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with
the butter, made love and I made her scream for two hours'.

'What did you do to make her scream for two hours?'

Indian: 'I wiped my hands on the curtains'.

[BaliHai]

A young girl goes to her doctor very embarassed with a problem downstairs! after a lot of persausion the doctor finally gets her to remove her knickers which reveals that the girl has three vaginas!!!

One on the left one as usual in the middle and one to the right.

The doctor is very perplexed and scratches his head muttering things under his breath and disappears into the pharmacy next door.

He comes back a few minutes later and opens up a pack of waterproof plasters.

He takes two plasters out and places one over the right hand side vagina and the other over the left hand sided vagina.

The young girl asks the doctor "will this cure me doctor"?

The doctor replies, "No, but it will stop you getting fucked left, right and centre".

[A Red Devils]

How To Shower - Like a Woman:


1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry basket according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

7. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

8. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

9. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

10. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

11. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you freeze / roast

12. Turn off shower.

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Mould and Mildew Remover.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

15. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a blemish. Attack with nails/tweezers/stanley knife/sander/power drill if found.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

[A Red Devils]

How to Shower - Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making a "wey hey" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, suck in your gut, look for pecs. Admire yourself in the mirror.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Ensure you leave "special" hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the bath the whole time.

16. Partially dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire self again.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, grab willy, repeat "Wey hey" sound.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

[A Red Devils]

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game, the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed.

After the game they ask her, "How is it that you know so much about baseball?"

She replies, "Well, I used to be a guy and had a sex change operation."

The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. "What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?" one of them asked.

"That was very painful, but it was not the most painful part."

"Was it when they cut off your testicles?"

"That was very painful, but was not the most painful part."

"Well, what was the most painful part?" one of the other guys inquired.

"The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half!"

[A Red Devils]

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love.

When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

[beary]

HOW TO MAKE HIS XMAS AN XXXMAS



1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his Christmas balls.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio - la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingerie.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.