Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

Once upon a time there was a young redneck by the name of Jack. Jack lived and worked on a farm with the farmer, the farmer's wife and their daughter Mabel.

One fine day as Jack was attending to his daily chores he saw Mabel bending over to milk the cow. He felt himself become aroused for the first time and, shocked, ran to find the farmer to explain this strange phenomena.

Upon finding the farmer he proceded to drop his trousers and whip out his stiff trouser snake much to the horror of the farmer.

"Farmer, farmer," Jack cried, "what is happening to my penis?"

"Now settle down and put that thing away." said the farmer.

"Don't worry about it. It happens to all men."

"But I don't like it!" cried Jack.

"Well then," said the farmer, "next time it happens just go into the milk shed, get some cow shit and rub it on your dick. It'll go down quick smart, trust me."

The next day Jack was passing by the house when he looked in and saw the farmers wife having a shower. Feeling his member getting hard he rushed into the cow shed, dropped his pants and picked up two handfulls of shit. Just then Mabel walked into the shed.

"What are you doing Jack?" asked Mabel.

"Well," Jack replied,"I'm gonna rub this shit on my dick to make it go down."

"That would be a waste." Mabel said as she laid down on the ground and lifted her skirt. "Why don't you stick it up here?"

So he did. Both handfuls.

[birdie8819]

One day Little Johnny walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were doing.

His parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So Little Johnny left it at that.

A few nights later Little Johnny walks in on them again, and this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"

The parents both reply "yes"

Little Johnny remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."

[marlborotan]

nice jokes bros

[ah rat]

Learning Hokkien is easy as ABC:

Children is Kinnakia.
Bird is Jiaokia.
Give Birth is Sehkia.
Furniture is IKEA
Police is Matakia
Small house is Chukia.
H/P is Nokia
I am Hokkienkia.
Malay is Huankia.
Indian is Geilengkia.
Chinese is Tenglankia.
Japanese is Jitpunkia.
Bad guy is Paikia.
Good guy is Hokia.
People who read this is Gongkia.
If you laugh, u are Siaokia.

[Swagelock]

Keep those good or funny or corny jokes coming in. Cheers!

[boisong1]

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was upset to say the least.

“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! A faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.” “Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”

The husband began “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you were afraid you’d put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but never wore because you say they were too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you didn’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you refused to wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and wouldn’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”

The husband took a quick breath and continued “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, “Please… do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

[boisong1]

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument over which gender enjoyed sex more. The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” “That doesn’t prove anything!” the woman countered. “Think about this… when your ear itches and you put your finger in it to scratch, then pull it out, which feels better – your ear or your finger?”

[boisong1]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”

[boisong1]

A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it’s opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, “Where is your mother?” The boy says, “She’s in the backyard, getting fucked by the goat.” The man exclaims, “Son, it’s not very nice to make up stories like that!” The boy replies, “Come on in and I’ll show you.” So the tax man follows the little boy to the back of the house, and looks out the window into the backyard. Surely enough, he observes a woman being feverishly fucked by a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says “That is gross! Doesn’t that bother you?” The little boy answers, “Na-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ah!”

[boisong1]

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says “Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don’t mean?” The second guy replies “Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits. So instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I asked for ‘two tickets to Titsburgh’”. The first guy says, “Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying ‘Honey, could you please pass me the sugar?’ I said, ‘You’ve ruined my life you fucking bitch!’”

[beary]

AN ODE TO ORAL SEX


FOR THE GIRLS

Penis breath, a lover's dread,
Is what you get when you give head.
Unpleasant as it tends to be,
Be grateful that he doesn't pee.

It's times like this, you wonder why,
You bothered reaching for his fly.
But it's too late, can't be a tease,
Accept the facts, get on your knees.

You know you've got a job to do,
So open wide and shove it through,
Lick the tip then take it all.
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl.

Slide up and down, use your tongue.
And feel the precum start to run,
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb,
So when the hell's he gonna cum?

Just, when you can't take anymore,
You hear your lover's mighty roar.
And when he hits that real high note,
You feel it oozing down your throat.


FOR THE BOYS

Salty, fishy, sticky stuff,
Okay already, that's enough.
Let's switch you say, before you gag,
And what revenge, you're on the rag!

Eating out and chowing down,
but tonight I'm not out on the town.
Tonight I'm served a seafood dish,
well at the least it tastes like fish.

Time to overcome my fears,
as she drags me down there by my ears,
to feast upon her hairy pie,
where pubes and stubble jab my eye.

She lies back and moans and then softly sighs,
I cant help thinking about scampi & fries.
Don't lick too low, move up a bit,
got to be careful or I'm in the shit.

Nibble, lick, caress and stroke,
the things I do just for a poke.
Up, down and right a bit,
where the hell does she keep her clit?

I'll never find it here like this,
fanny design just takes the piss.
To find my way around her twat,
I'll need a torch and miners hat.

I think my tongue is failing me,
Christ I hope she doesn't pee.
I've been licking her minge for years.
I wish I could breathe through my ears.

God I hope that she comes quick,
since my neck's developing a crick.
I'm sweating like I've got a fever,
under the covers, eating split beaver,

I must have hit the right spot at last,
cos' her screams are gaining volume fast,
her thighs clamp tight around my head,
and her screams scare the neighbours out of their bed.

She's coming at last and making a racket,
her thighs crushing my head like a discarded fag packet.
I'm choking and spluttering but she doesn't care,
that my mouth is full of fish flavoured hair.

And that my face is smothered in thick fanny batter
and juices that taste like a seafood platter.
But she thinks it's funny, and starts taking the piss,
but she soon stops her laughing, when I move in for a kiss.

[beary]

While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, the lady was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress.

His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress.

And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused the lady. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, and tall, me sleep with 'em all."

Horrified, she stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

She cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style . . . me sleep with 'em all."

With tears in her eyes, she cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast.

[beary]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!"

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE: To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a "New Wives Store" just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[beary]

Top ten things you'll never hear one woman say to another woman:



1. That swimsuit really flatters your figure! Would you mind keeping my husband company while I go for a swim?

2. Oh, look, that women and I have the same dress on! I think I'll go introduce myself!

3. His new girlfriend is thinner and better-looking than I am, and I'm happy for them both.

4. If he doesn't let me hold the remote, I get all moody.

5. He makes more money than I do, so I broke up with him.

6. I'm sick of dating doctors and lawyers! Give me a good old-fashioned waiter with a heart of gold any day!

7. We're redecorating the bedroom, and he keeps bugging me to help him with the color choices!

8. He talks our relationship to death! It's making me crazy!

9. Why can't I find a guy who'll have a wild carefree night of sex and then just go his separate way for once?

10. I just realized -- my butt doesn't look fat in this – my butt is fat!

[ah rat]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,"New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."