Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[BaliHai]

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.

Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.

Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met. "She was a real lady," his mistress said.

Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.

"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."

[birdie8819]

Marriage Definitions

BACHELOR:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
2) A guy who is footloose and fiancée-free.
3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.
4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.
5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.
6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.

BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.

COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.

DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.

GENTLEMAN:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.
2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.

HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.

HUSBAND:
1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.
2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.

JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.

LOVE:
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.

MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.

MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

MRS.:
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.

SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.

WIFE:
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.

[birdie8819]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. This includes:

- Red meat is awful.
- Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
- Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
- High fat diets can be disastrous.
- Long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"


After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

[birdie8819]

Three women, while traveling in a train, are discussing different types of pain.

The first woman says, "There is no pain like when you suffer a fracture."

The second woman says, "That's nothing. Post-surgical pain is the worst."

The third woman says, "I disagree. Pain during childbirth is the severest."

An old man who is resting up on the top bunk overhears this conversation and interrupts them. "I don't think you three have ever experienced a swift kick to the balls."

[birdie8819]

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury.

I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that"

[birdie8819]

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button.

Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks.

The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote.

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant:

1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack.

2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines.

3. Dad: now surfs with two remotes Mom: never complains

4. She never wants to cuddle anymore -- it's click, click, click, and she's out the door.

5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment.

6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you're looking at 1,000 Pounds to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car.

7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming...

8. "Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache."

9. Finally, size really *doesn't* matter.

10. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn't paying attention... I'm sorry..."

11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon's name.

12. Side effects? Who cares about... oh... *oh*... OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!!

13. In addition to "Mute" and "Favorite," the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: "Big O."

14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner... errr, never mind.

[birdie8819]

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout lady of the evening catches his eye.

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the lady of the evening, "How much?"

Lady of the evening replies, "It starts at $500 for manual manipulation."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For manual manipulation! No manual manipulation is worth that kind of money!"

The lady of the evening says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the lady of the evening, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give manual manipulation that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel.

A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the best manual manipulation of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.

He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose oral manipulation is $1,000?"

The lady of the evening replies, "$1,500."

$1,500? No oral manipulation could be worth that".

The lady of the evening replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.

Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give oral manipulation that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific manual manipulation, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.

He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth.

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.

He asks the lady of the evening, "How much for conventional coupling?"

The lady of the evening says, "Come over here to the window.

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the lady of the evening replies, "but I would if I were a female."

[birdie8819]

An Accountant, a Lawyer and a Cowboy were standing Side-by-Side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows ....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious."

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I was educated in Horsefly and they taught us not to piss on our hands!"

[boisong1]

Happy with their two beautiful teenage daughters, but still wanting a son, a couple decided to try one more time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a baby boy.

The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to discover the ugliest child he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife and said “There’s no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters I’ve had!” He glared at his wife.

“Have you been fooling around on me?” The wife answered, ”Not this time.”

[boisong1]

A man is at the dentist’s for a checkup. As the dentist leans over, he asks, “Well… So you had oral sex this morning?” “How did you know?” asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist’s perception. “Was it the smell on my breath?” “No” says the dentist. “Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?” asks the man. “No” says the dentist. “Well, what then? How did you know?” asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says “There’s a little bit of shit on the end of your nose.”

[boisong1]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man an injection. “No way… no needles for me! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having a gas mask on is suffocating me!”

The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. “No objection.” the patient says “I’m fine with pills.”

The Dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer?”

“It doesn’t,” said the Dentist, “but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth.”

[boisong1]

The difference between having Guts and having Balls…

Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next.”

[boisong1]

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his younger cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen.” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he answered so quickly. “How do you know that?” The little boy said, “Easy… all you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said: ‘Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer’.”

[boisong1]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. “Does your wife ever do it doggy style?” asked the one. “Well… not exactly.” his friend replied, “She’s more into the trick dog aspect of it.”

“Oh, I see, so she’s kinky eh?” he asked curiously. “Well… not exactly… I sit up and beg, and she rolls over and plays dead.”

[boisong1]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!”. The woman says, “Me too, you’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”