Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

If Sex Was Sold In A Grocery Store


* Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.

* Hookers are renamed "Special Stock Girls."

* If you ever were not "prepared", you could always go to Aisle 8

* There's gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and "Tricks" on Aisle 10.

* Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.

* Same with the phrase "Freshness Dating."

* Same with "Buy One, Get One Free."

* No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.

* Paper or Plastic or Rubber?

* Some men would still be in the Express Lane

[birdie8819]

Top 10 signs your mate is getting cyber sex

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!

9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!

8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!

7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"

6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!

5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!

4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!

3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!

2) The keyboard is moist!

1) She comes home with a rubber inflatable disk drive!

[birdie8819]

A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advise and warning by her mother; "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him;

1.) kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel,

2.) or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and

3.) never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that.

First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped.

Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said, and he then took his hands out and said; "What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!""

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to "burn" his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me "taste it" to see if it was cooked or not."

[birdie8819]

Newly Discovered Benefits of Worshiping

And Adoring Your Man's Penis



1) Every blow job you give adds one month to your life.

2) If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

3) A hand job a day keeps arthritis away.

4) Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

5) Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

6) Intercourse prevents divorce.

7) Regular fucking releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

8) Sex eliminates headaches.

9) Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, Thou shalt make thy man

hard, triples your chances of getting into heaven.

10) Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

[birdie8819]

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ..'

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, 'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myths are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

'Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

'I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. 'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said, 'Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba'

[Toastmaster]

A Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

[Toastmaster]

The Perks of Being 40 & Over

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 PM.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

[Toastmaster]

Short Chicken Jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road ?
A: To cockadoodle dooo something

Q: Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
A: He heard the referee calling fowls

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: To prove he wasn't chicken

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser

Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have enough guts

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Because chickens hadn't evolved yet

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station

Q: Why did the horse cross the road?
A: Because the chicken needed a day off

Q: What do you get from a drunk chicken?
A: Scotch eggs!

[Toastmaster]

Cat Goes to Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

[Toastmaster]

Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*** POOF *** her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn`t mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*** POOF *** she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman`s cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

"Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

*** POOF *** there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:

"Bet you`re sorry you had me neutered."

[Toastmaster]

Q: How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: Five-- one to climb the ladder and the other four to say that should have been me!
A2: One to change it, and 99 to stand there and say 'I could have done it better.'
A3: Just one. He stands there, and the world revolves around him.
Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends on what it says in the script

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Doesn't the stage manager do that?

Q: How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What's the light bulb's motivation?

Q: How many straight actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.

Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?
A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.

Q: What's black, crispy, and hangs from the ceiling?
A: An actor trying to change a light bulb.

Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: What's the most dangerous thing in your average community theatre?
A: An actor with a power tool.

Q: What do directors do with dead actors?
A: Make them chorus members.

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to act but doesn't.

Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?
A: "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm better than you."

Q: How many actors does it take to wallpaper a room?
A: Only three, if you slice them very thin.

Q: A van with four actors in it goes off a cliff. What's the tragedy in this?
A: You can fit a lot more than four actors in a van.

Q: What's the difference between a dead actor in the road and a dead snake in the road?
A: Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q: You're driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do you hit first, and why?
A: Your director--business before pleasure.

Q: How can you tell when a plane is full of actors?
A: When the engine stops, the whining continues.

Q: What do you call 20 actors at the bottom of a lake?
A: A good start.

Q: What do you call an actor with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant

How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share a spotlight.

[Toastmaster]

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Q: When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
A: When it's been sliced.

Q: How does Moby Dick celebrate his birthday?
A: He has a whale of a party!

Q: What did the birthday balloon say to the pin?
A: "Hi, Buster."

Q: What did one candle say to the other?
A: "Don't birthdays burn you up?"

Q: Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards?
A: The stamps kept falling off the rocks!

Q: Where do you find a birthday present for a cat?
A: In a cat-alogue!

Q: What did the big candle say to the little candle?
A: "You're too young to go out."

Q: Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
A: Because it was marble cake!

Q: What does a clam do on his birthday?
A: He shellabrates!

Q: How can you tell that you're getting old?
A: You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!

Q: What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
A: Angel food cake, of course!

Q: What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake?
A: Shortcake!

Q: What has wings, a long tail, and wears a bow?
A: A birthday pheasant!

Man 1: "I got my wife a VCP for her birthday."
Man 2: "Don't you mean a VCR?"
Man 1: "No, a VCP ... Very Cheap Present!"

Q: Where does a snowman put his birthday candles?
A: On his birthday flake!

Q: What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
A: Mice cream and cake!

Q: What party game do rabbits like to play?
A: Musical Hares.

[Toastmaster]

Season Ticket

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

[Toastmaster]

Pretend Husband and Wife Jokes

Through a scheduling mix up, a man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. It's late, the train is full, and everyone else is already asleep. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married."

"Why not," giggles the woman.

"Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[Toastmaster]

Working for Microsoft

Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway. After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands'performance as a lover.

The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counsellor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."