Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort.

The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed.

The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!!

KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knocking with?"

[bigbirdbird]

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge.

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and pursuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."

[soundlab]

Who Is There?
Three older ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.
One said, 'Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich'.
The second lady chimed in, 'Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.'
The third one responded, 'Well, I am glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood, 'as she rapped her knuckles on the table. She looked up and said, 'That must be the door, I'll get it!'

[soundlab]

Care for your Mother-in-law
A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, 'You can have her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for £150.'
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, 'Why would you spend £5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to have her buried here and spend only £150?'
The man replied, 'a man died here 2,000 years ago, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.'

[soundlab]

Tommy and his Dad
An old man lived alone in a farm. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work.
His only son, Tommy, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Dear Tommy, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, 'For Heaven's SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!' Love, Tommy.
At 6am, the next morning, a dozen security agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologised to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Tommy.

[BaliHai]

One day at school, the teacher asked the children what their parents thought was beautiful.

She asked Sally, and Sally replied, "My Mom thinks that flowers are beautiful."

"Why is that," she asked?

"Because she says they smell really nice."

The teacher then called on Tommy, and Tommy replied, "My Dad thinks antique cars are beautiful."

"Why is that," she asked?

"Because, he says they are so old and still preserved in their original form."

Next she called on Little Johnny, and Johnny replied, "My Dad thinks pregnant women are."

"Why is that," she asked?

"Because, when my sister got pregnant, my Dad said 'beautiful just fucking beautiful!'"

[bigbirdbird]

High Urinals

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

[bigbirdbird]

This morning my husband was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in him that he "hadn't seen his penis in 15 years".

Bob, not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say and wanting to be helpful, uttered, "Why don't you diet?"

Giving Bob a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? My God, What color is it now?"

[bigbirdbird]

Looking



Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Home
Depot when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your
wife look like?

The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with long red
hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white
shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

[bigbirdbird]

A guy walks into a bar and after only taking 2 steps in, he realizes that it's a gay bar. He decides to proceed because he really needs a drink. A gay waiter approaches and asks: What's the name of your penis?

The customers says: Look, I'm just not into that kind of stuff. All I want is a cold beer.

The gay waiter says: I'm sorry but house rules dictate that I cannot serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.

The customer says to the gay waiter: All right....I will but first tell me the name of your penis.

The gay waiter says: NIKE...you know, JUST DO IT!

The customer thinks for a moment and then says: The name of my penis is SECRET.

The waiter is puzzled and asks: SECRET? What does that mean?

The customer says: You know, SECRET.....STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!

[bigbirdbird]

Once a girl is quite fantasized about "69".She has a regular boyfriend they have never done it before.

One day she invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic dinner. After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69". But the Boyfriend doesn't have any idea about what is 69. Girlfriend gets upset but thinks that she can teach him how to do 69. she asks him to lay down...and she then lays on top of him in reverse direction so as in 69. The boyfriend is confused but is eager to know about 69. So he does as the GF tells him to do.

They lay down in this position for about 2 min. She is thinking that he will, by the time, get excited by this. but suddenly the GF has to let go one Fart...directly on her BF's face.

GF quickly apologizes and asks him to stay in that position for some more time. After 1 min she has to let go one another fart....this time bigger than the previous.

The BF quickly throws her away, gets up, starts dressing up and yells at her.. "If you think I am gonna take 67 more like this, you are MAD"

[bigbirdbird]

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with ten beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest male unit the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "How did his member get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis.

Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

[bigbirdbird]

A husband and wife were having dinner at a fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But... the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Oh," says the wife, "... Ours is prettier."

[bigbirdbird]

A young couple was touring southern Florida and happened to stop at a rattlesnake farm they discovered along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the young woman. "You certainly have a dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"

"Yes, on rare occasions," answered the handler.

"Well," she continued, "what do you do when you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I am bitten, I make cut across the fang entry and then suck the poison from the wound."

"What, uh...what would happen if you were to accidentally sit on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn who my real friends are."

[whatafish]

How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care

LOVE when intercourse is called making love
LUST all other times
MARRIAGE what's intercourse?

LOVE when you argue over how many children to have
LUST When you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE when you argue over money

LOVE when you share everything you own
LUST when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE when the bank owns everything

LOVE when it doesn't matter if you don't climax
LUST when the relationship is over if you don't climax
MARRIAGE what's a climax?

LOVE when you phone each other just to say "Hi"
LUST when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts

LOVE when you write poems about your partner
LUST when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE when all you write are check's

LOVE when you show concern for your partners' feelings
LUST when you couldn't give a rip
MARRIAGE when your only concern is what's on TV

LOVE when your farewell is "I love you darling"
LUST when your farewell is "So, same time next week?"
MARRIAGE when your farewell is silent

LOVE when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE when you never see each other awake

LOVE when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE when nobody else matters
LUST when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows

LOVE when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST when it's just the same mushy old crap
MARRIAGE when you never listen to music

LOVE when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE when you're interested in everything your partner does
LUST when you're only interested in one thing
MARRIAGE when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score