Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Cum_Luver]

A guy stumbles out of a bar at 2 AM. He has a hard time unlocking his car. He finally gets in but canot find the ignition. After a minute, the key finds its way in and he starts the car. As he pulls away, a cop who is watching all this hits the lights and siren to pull him over. The man is asked to step out of the car for a field sobriety test - which he passes with flying colors.

The cop shakes his head and says, "I saw you stumble to your car after leaving the bar. You could not unlock the car. When you did, you had problems getting it started. You are a danger to everyone on the road but I can't figure it out - you passed every test I gave you." The man smiled and said, "You don't understand officer, I am the designated decoy."

[bigbirdbird]

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER

10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.

9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.

8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.

7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.

6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?

5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.

4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.

3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.

2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.

1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 reasons why Beer is better than Religion

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.

[bigbirdbird]

Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past. The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba's last date:

"You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type, " Faba declared.

"What's that? What's do you mean intellectual type?" Mujo asked with curiosity.

"Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent," explained Faba to her friend.

Mujo giggles, and asked, "So, how was it?"

"First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive. After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation. And finally, he took out his penis."

"What is this word, 'penis'," Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.

"Oh, it is what intellectuals have. It looks like a dick, just much smaller !"

[bigbirdbird]

A new nurse is working in a mental hospital. Her first night on the job, she visits her first patient. She sees the woman knitting, and asks her what she's doing.

The woman replies, "I'm knitting socks, so when I get out of here, my feet will stay warm."

The new nurse replies, "That's nice," and goes to see her next patient. Upon entering his room, the new nurse sees him knitting, and asks what he's doing.

The man replies, "I'm knitting a blanket so I can stay warm when I get out of here."

She replies, "That's nice," and continues to the third patient. He is lying on his bed, with a walnut on top of his dick. Shocked she asks him, "Sir, what the hell are you doing?"

He replies, "I'm never getting out of here, I'm fucking nuts!"

[bud-man]

Look at how our youngest PAP election candidate stamp her feet!

http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/2011/03/...+%28mrbrown%29

I would think this is a joke :>

[bigbirdbird]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................

[bigbirdbird]

About Marriage


My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were very happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; I don't like to interrupt her.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying".

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine".

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire". "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied "A billionaire".

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

[Faidenk]

The Veterinarian
A dog lover, whose dog was in heat, agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart.

But, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain,

And unable to disengage as so frequently happens when they mate.

Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the veterinarian, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the veterinarian said,

'Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection.

He'll then be able to withdraw. '

She asked, 'Do you think that will work? '

'It just worked for me, ' he replied.

[Faidenk]

The Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November. '

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife? ', asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good. She's pregnant. '

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand? '

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too. '

[Faidenk]

Mens helpline
A Letter to the Men's Helpline:

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

[Faidenk]

Wishful thinking
He left home about 8:30 a. M. To play golf with his friends. On the way out the door he answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with "probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the club."

1:30 came & went. 3:00 passed. 6:15, still not home, finally at about 7:00pm he rolls in the driveway, leaves his clubs in the garage, and presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

"We finished our game about 11:30, had lunch, and I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed, and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her to buy me a beer. She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel next door having sex. Then we drank a couple more beers and had sex again. And that is why I am so late getting home."

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't lie to me you asshole; you played 36 holes, didn't you?

[Faidenk]

Romance Novel?
He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear."Just relax." Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say."Okay, ma'am," said a voice."All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse.

"You can board your flight now."

[Faidenk]

How to save the airlines
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place. Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss? The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back twenty percent of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services. '

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation. If we handle it right a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset. Why didn't Bush or Obama think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

[Faidenk]

Duck hunter
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak.

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.

Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged.

Shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news..

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin.

There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to
your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister.'

'Well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your sister a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'She's a flute player in the Symphony
Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'