Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Faidenk]

A husband and his wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said," I'll bet you cant tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thought for a few minutes, then said "How much are you willing to bet."

"One hundred dollars!"said the boisterous husband.

"That's all ?" inquired the wife.

"Ok, two hundred." "Not to sure of yourself, are you.?" Teased his wife Feeling pretty good, the hubby announced. Ok "Five hundred "

His wife twinkled her nose and calmly said. "Your pecker is bigger than your brother's."

[Faidenk]

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

[Faidenk]

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man.
The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose.

After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.
He is real excited he wakes up his wife to share in the good news. He wakes her up and says look what I have.

She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???

[Faidenk]

DEAR DAIRY

MONDAY: What a wonderful cruise this is going to be! I felt singularly honored this evening. The Captain asked me to dine at his table.

TUESDAY! I spent the entire afternoon on the bridge with the Captain.

WEDNESDAY! The Captain made proposals to me unbecoming an officer and gentleman.

THUESDAY! Tonight the Captain threatened to sink the ship if do not give in to his indecent proposals!

FRIDAY This afternoon I saved 1600 lives. Twice!!!

[Faidenk]

An older couple was lying in bed one night...

The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk. She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to nibble my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

[Faidenk]

A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.

"Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination."

[Faidenk]

Business was bad, the small company was on the edge of bankruptcy.
The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

"Things aren't going too well, guys," he announced grimly. "So to perk up sales I'm announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job."

"What does the loser get?" asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, "The loser gets to give it."

[Faidenk]

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs"

Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.

"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!

[Faidenk]

On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don't want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."

[Faidenk]

Merlot (Wine)
When out for dinner alone the other night, I asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman I spotted dining alone.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there, " indicating the sender.

She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at me, and decided to send a reply note to me.

The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it me.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants. "

After reading the note, I decided to compose one of my own in return. I folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

[Faidenk]

A guy is going to leave for Africa on company business.

The trip will take him to many countries in Africa and will last six months.

He has everything well organized and meets a good friend about a week befor he leaves.

They discuss the trip and the friend says I take it you have thought about condoms for your stay over there?

No I am rather shy and do not want to ask for those at the drugstore.

The friend says buy some aspirin and at the same time order the condoms.

He asks for a box of apsirin and in a low voice orders the condoms as well.

The nice blond girl at the drugstore hands him the aspirin, puts a wrapper around the condoms and says that will be 4 dollars.

He meets the friend who advised him and says I have got them!

The friend says how many? He shows the package with 3 condoms.

That is not enough you fool get some more.

So this guy goes back several times and each time asks for aspirin and condoms.

The girl tells the story about this customer when she meets the owner of the drugstore.

Next time the girl has a day off and the owner of the store is serving customers.
He too gets the order, aspirin and condoms.

Sir, I do not mind selling these to you but if you get a headache every time you fuck you better see a doctor!

[Faidenk]

A man went to a brothel and told the madam, "I want a girl with big boobs and a small box."

"Why?" she asked him.

"Never mind!" replied man. "I'm paying for it. I want a girl with big tits and a small cooze!"

"No problem," said the madam. "Go straight up the stairs to room 23."

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, and a young woman walked in.

"Okay," she said," are you the guy with the big mouth and the small dick?"

[bigbirdbird]

Senior Citizens Text Codes

I thought the following list was appropriate...after all, the kids have all their little codes... like BFF, WTF, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:

ATD - At the Doctor's
BFF - Best Friends Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring... Your Own Teeth
CBM - Covered by Medicare
CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center
DWI - Driving While Incontinent
FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
FYI - Found Your Insulin
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL - Living on Lipitor
LWO - Lawrence Welk ' s On
OMMR - On My Massage Recliner
OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
TTYL - Talk to You Louder
WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again
WTP - Where ' s the Prunes
WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help! GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!

[Pureen]

MEMO FROM ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

[Pureen]

How To Speak Southern
Hah Tu Spek Suthun)


BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of
Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I
aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my
pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in
my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and
git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't
git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do
hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.

HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."

RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."

TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are
tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from
some farn country."

DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in
LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy
Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?"

HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."

SEED - verb, past tense.

VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"

HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"