Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Top 10 signs your mate is getting cyber sex

10) He is getting amazingly fast at typing with 1 hand!

9) After signing off she always has a cigarette!

8) After she gets off, the screen's all fogged up!

7) During sex he screams, "a: \ enter insert!"

6) After he uses the computer, the seat is all sticky!

5) Your fax is filled with some guy's ass!

4) The INSERT key on your keyboard is all worn out!

3) The only 3 keys that aren't stiff are: S, E, X!

2) The keyboard is moist!

1) She comes home with a rubber inflatable disk drive!

[bigbirdbird]

Two female co-workers are having a conversation at work. - Did you have good sex last night?

No. It was a disaster... Husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in 4 minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in 2 minutes. How about you?

Oh it was amazing... My husband came home. He took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we took a walk for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. After foreplay we had an hour long fantastic sex and after sex we talked for an hour. It was like in a fairytale.

At the same time their husbands are talking at work. - Did you have good sex last night?

Yes, it was great! I came home dinner was on the table, I ate, screwed my wife and fell asleep. What about you?

It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity cause I didn't pay the bill. In return I had to take my wife out to dinner and the dinner was so expensive that we didn't have money for a cab so we had to walk home for an hour. I was so angry when we came home that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't cum for another hour. After I finally did I was so mad and aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep for another hour.

[seesaw]

A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on
little Johnny. ''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''

The teacher replies, ''The correct answer is 4, but I like your
thinking.'' Then Little Johnny says, ''I have a question for YOU.
There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is
delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The
second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is
biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?''

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ''Well I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.''

''The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like
your thinking."

[seesaw]

Darrell walks into his doctor's office and the receptionist gives him a form to fill out and asks him what his problem is.

Darrell replied, I've got something wrong with my cock."

"Please watch your language!" scolds the receptionist. "There are women and children in the waiting room."

Darrell leaves the office, only to return a few minutes later and said to the receptionist, "I've got a problem with my ear."

"Now that's much better," says the receptionist. "What wrong with your ear?"

"I can't piss out of it!"


------------------

Two girlfriends are having a conversation about their boyfriends when the first one says:

"My boyfriend said he fantasized about having two girls at once."

The other replies, "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"

I said, "If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you want to piss off two?

[seesaw]

There are three brothers, Tom, Dick and Harry. Tom calls Dick and says , "Listen, Dick, my wife has been in the hospital for two months, and I need a woman! Why don't you send your wife over to spend a couple of nights with me, and when my wife gets out of the hospital, I'll let her spend a couple of nights with you, OK?"

This really makes Dick angry! So angry that he calls Harry, and tells him about it. Harry says, "Man, you should have taken him up on that deal! His wife is much better in bed than your wife!"


--------


Tom in deep thoughts is sitting calm, very quiet.

Jerry asks, "What is wrong with you, Tom?"

"Please don't ask."

"I am your childhood friend. Talk to me."

"My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant."

"That's not possible."

"No, he did."

"How's that possible?"

"He punctured my condoms!"

[seesaw]

CONFUCIUS


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.


Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.


Better to be pissed off than pissed on.


Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.


Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.


Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.


Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.


Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.


War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.


Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night..


It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.


Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.


Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.


Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.


Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[seesaw]

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Vermont .. Their first night there, she undressed as he did there she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied: "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same--she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom .

She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"

[今晚打老虎.]

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of it box darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.

So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

[今晚打老虎.]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth and the doctor told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well, they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the doctor set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he put it up to 20% and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50% and finally 100%. After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless labor. Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

[whiteangelcsh]

Nothing sexual. Juz like to share this vid. Enjoy :

[wikileaks]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[wikileaks]

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."

[wikileaks]

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[wikileaks]

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

[wikileaks]

Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.