Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A

Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.

My darling wife was always glum. I drowned her in a cask of rum, and so made sure that she would stay, in better spirits night and day.

My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gosh, I miss him!

My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.

My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

[birdie8819]

A nurse and a doctor met at a medical convention one-day. Right away they hit it off quite well.

As the day went on, they got to know each other better. They decided to go to lunch together. While they were waiting for lunch the Nurse excused herself to go to the ladies room to wash her hands. When she got back, they ate lunch and chatted some more.

Then just before they left, she excused herself again to go wash her hands.

As the day went on, they decided that they would meet that night at his hotel room and get to know each other better.

That night, when the Nurse first got there, she asked to use his wash room to wash her hands. Then she came out and they talked, kissed, petted and started getting really aroused. They finally moved their love making to the bedroom, but on the way there, the nurse stopped at the bathroom and washed her hands again.

They had sex, which the doctor found was very enjoyable.

Afterwards, the nurse excused herself to wash her hands again.

When she came back to the bedroom, the doctor said, "I would bet any amount of money that you are a surgical nurse."

The nurse replied, "You are right. How did you know that?"

The doctor said, "It is obvious. You are constantly washing your hands. "

The nurse said in reply, "And I would bet anything that you are an Anaesthesiologist." "Very good." replied the doctor. "

How did you know that? "

The Nurse replied, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

[birdie8819]

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex.

The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.

The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man, I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"

"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."

Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"

"Oh God no!" the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."


************


After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Brian remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist he also ate a whole packet of extra strong mints. His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed he opened his mouth wide.

The Dentist got close and asked "So, you had a 69 before you came here eh?" Brian exasperated asked "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"

The Dentist replied "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead...

[birdie8819]

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels! One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep... My bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and I kinda liked it."

[birdie8819]

One Liners and Q & A

Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night.

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they're all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man's company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

[birdie8819]

A man walks into his doctors. The doctor asks the man why he is there.

He replies, "It's my penis, I would like you to take a look at it."

The doctor says, "Very well then, if you get up onto the bed and get it out I'll have a look for you."

The man jumps up onto the bed and produces a 12-incher from his underpants. After about five minutes examining it, the bemused doctor says, "I have to say, I can't see anything wrong with it."

To which the man replies, "I know, it's a fucking beauty, eh?!"

[birdie8819]

A Useful 8 Inch Tool

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!

[ilovelife.now]

Question. What is the advantages of having an affair with married women?

Answer.

They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!!

[Horton88]

POLITICS ON THE FARM

Two farmers were discussing politics and the first one says: "I believe in a share and share alike policy. One where we are all equal."

"Well" replied the other farmer "I'm not sure about that. What you mean is that if you have two horses you'd give me one?"

"Of course" says the first.

The second farmer continued: "and of you had two cars, you'd give me one of them too?"

"absolutely"

"So" says the second farmer, "if you had two pigs then you'd give me one of them?"

"ah, now hang on a minute" says the first, "you know I've got two pigs!"

[Horton88]

THE PUPPY TRADER

Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."

"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies."

The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

[Horton88]

WHILE OUT JOGGING ONE MORNING

One day George Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Bush.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Bush.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

[Horton88]

BIG BAD BILL AT THE GATES

Former President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex, but you couldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.' And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

[Horton88]

CLINTON LANDS A ROLE IN STAR WARS

"Who knew the Jedi Mind Trick could work on 250 million people all at once?"

"She's my sister?!? Well, back on my home planet of Arkansas, that ain't an obstacle!"

"Luke, I am your father. Obi-Wan, I'm your father, too. And that Queen chick? I'm her daddy for sure. And Leia's. And Lando's, and Boba Fett's, and Jabba the Hutt's, and Chewie's, and..."

"Wretched hive of scum and villainy? Woo-hoo, count me in!"

"I did not have sexual relations with that wookie, Ms. Chewinsky."

"Oh-h-h, you're looking for a little *WOOKIE*... Well, that's different."

"Cholesterol does not concern me, Admiral. I want that Big Mac -- not excuses."

"I think the American people would like a little more bass in my theme music."

"Well, it depends on your definition of 'father', Luke."

"Sorry about that lightsaber, Sugar. Just consider it laser dental work."

"Dispose of that troublesome young Jedi, Vince Skyfoster -- and make it look like a suicide."

"These are not the droids you're looking for, Ma'am. Say, it's getting hot in here -- you might want to take off your top."

"I *absolutely* support the use of droids in the military... Okay, now I don't."

"It's a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- and I'm still a lyin' weasel."

[Horton88]

QUOTES WE REMEMBER OUR WISE LEADERS BY

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread & butter will be cut from right under your feet."
- Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin.

"Without censorship things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
- General William Westmoreland, during the war in Viet Nam.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
- Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Former French President Charles de Gaulle

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole

"Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
- Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on "Larry King Live"

[Horton88]

SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL

You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.

You protested American intervention in Vietnam, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

Upon hearing that President Clinton committed a rape and murder as part of Whitewater, you replied, "So what?"

If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.

You think Hillery Clinton is, "A babe."

You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.

You are against sexual harrasment except when committed by Senator Kennedy.

You think people who make above minimun wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

You are not shocked when someone says "F---" but are profoundly shocked when someone says "N-----".

Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.

You think heterosexual love is a male chauvinist plot to oppress women.

You think George Stephenapolis is, "A hunk."

You ever said, "Differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

You ever proposed that cockaroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.

You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

You never wished that Star Trek had more ship to ship combat scenes.

You think Al Franken is actually funny, but Rush Limbaugh is not.

You once referred to President Reagan as "that man in the White House."

You think that the Unabomber "has a point."

You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps.

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poddles.

You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "War toys."

You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests.

You own an espresso maker, a cusinart, a vibrator, and a heated water bed and yet oppose off shore oil drilling and the construction of nuclear power plants.

You don't go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV.

You think O.J. is actually innocent, but that Bernard Goetz is not.

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

You've felt compelled to buy the child rearing book entitled, "How to get your Children to Say No in the 90s When You Said Yes in the 60s."

You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.