Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Flying Snow]

Explaining Condom Use

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?".

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see.", replied the boy pensively.

"Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men.", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy;

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men.

One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[Sammyboyforum]

Business one-liners 49
Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson

Action's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.

Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.

Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.

Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen

Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.

Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.

Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.

Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

[Sammyboyforum]

Password selection rules
CORPORATE DIRECTIVE NUMBER 88-570471

In order to increase the security of all company computing facilities, and to avoid the possibility of unauthorized use of these facilities, new rules are being put into effect concerning the selection of passwords. All users of computing facilities are instructed to change their passwords to conform to these rules immediately.

RULES FOR THE SELECTION OF PASSWORDS:

1. A password must be at least six characters long, and must not contain two occurrences of a character in a row, or a sequence of two or more characters from the alphabet in forward or reverse order. Example: HGQQXP is an invalid password. GFEDCB is an invalid password.

2. A password may not contain two or more letters in the same position as any previous password. Example: If a previous password was GKPWTZ, then NRPWHS would be invalid because PW occurs in the same position in both passwords.

3. A password may not contain the name of a month or an abbreviation for a month. Example: MARCHBC is an invalid password. VWMARBC is an invalid password.

4. A password may not contain the numeric representation of a month. Therefore, a password containing any number except zero is invalid. Example: WKBH3LG is invalid because it contains the numeric representation for the month of March.

5. A password may not contain any words from any language. Thus, a password may not contain the letters A, or I, or sequences such as AT, ME, or TO because these are all words.

6. A password may not contain sequences of two or more characters which are adjacent to each other on a keyboard in a horizontal, vertical, or diagonal direction. Example: QWERTY is an invalid password. GHNLWT is an invalid password because G and H are horizontally adjacent to each other. HUKWVM is an invalid password because H and U are diagonally adjacent to each other.

7. A password may not contain the name of a person, place, or thing. Example: JOHNBOY is an invalid password.

Because of the complexity of the password selection rules, there is actually only one password which passes all the tests. To make the selection of this password simpler for the user, it will be distributed to all supervisors. All users are instructed to obtain this password from his or her supervisor and begin using it immediately.

[Sammyboyforum]

Psychiatrist phone
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[Flying Snow]

Theres these 3 guys they go to a barn to ask if they could stay the night. The lady that lives there takes the guys out to the barn and says whatever you do dont turn on the lights.so the guys get curious and turn on the lights and on the ceiling there were a bunch of dingilings. she says now im going to have to punish all of you. the lady ask the one guy what dose your daddy do he said he was a butcher so she chops his off. she goes to the second guy ask what dose your daddy do he said he was a carpenter so she nails it off. She gets to the third and final guy he says my dad is a lollipop maker so your goin to have to suck mine off!!

[Flying Snow]

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy what are they doing?".

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm…they are… making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes".

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the living room last night".

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

The little girl says, "Because I saw you and then I licked the icing off the sofa".

[Flying Snow]

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"

The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.

"I can make you feel like a woman, " was his reply.

He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...

"Iron this!"

[Flying Snow]

Nina and Rosey, two old friends are having coffee when Nina says, "I hear that you've been telling people that I'm ugly!"

"Oh, no! I've just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive," said Rosey.

Nina said, "I also heard that you've been calling me fat!"

Rosey replied, "Oh, no! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

Nina then said, "I also heard that you're saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!"

Rosey rolled her eyes and said, "Oh, no! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

[Flying Snow]

There's a little girl about 4 years old. She wants to take a shower with her mom and dad so they say I guess there all in the shower the little girl says daddy what that he said my limo then she's looks at her mom and says mommy what that she said my garage then she like daddy why don't you stick your limo in moomy's car then they say ok then she like well daddy why are you moveing moomy like that then he said because there's a earthquake in mommy garage!!!!!

[Flying Snow]

One night a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big grin.

She says, "Not tonight honey, I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay clean and fresh."

The man feeling rejected rolls over and tries to go to sleep. In a few minutes he rolls back over and asks his wife, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here." "You don't understand," says the man. "This is no regular dog, he can talk."
"Listen, pal," says the bartender. "If that dog can talk, I'll give you a hundred bucks. "The man puts the dog on a stool, and asks him, "What's on top of a house?"
"Roof!" "Right. And what's on the outside of a tree?" "Bark!" "And who's the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" "I guess you've heard enough," says the man. "I'll take the hundred in twenties." The bartender is furious. "Listen, pal," he says, "get out of here before I belt you." As soon as they're on the street, the dog turns to the man and says, "Do you think I should have said 'DiMaggio'?"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

A teacher asks her students if they're Yankees fans. All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?" "The Red Sox." "Why's that?" "Well, my parents are both Red Sox fans, so I'm a Red Sox fan too." "That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" "No, that would make me a Yankees fan!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Fishing in a frozen lake

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.

Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?" The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm." "What was that?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm." "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying." The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Manic depression

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?" A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

American and Mexican fisherman

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little while." The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?" The Mexican said, "With this I have more than enough to support my family's needs." The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing; and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat: With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor; Eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York where you will run your ever-expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15 to 20 years." "But what then?" asked the Mexican. The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions." "Millions?...Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."