Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[YY Tell Me Why?]

The Cat In Heaven


A cat died and went to heaven. God said: "You've been a good cat all your life - a devoted pet. Is there anything you wish?"

The cat replied: "I lived on a farm and always had to sleep on a hard floor so a soft pillow would be great. Then I could sleep peacefully in heaven."

God provided a soft pillow for the cat.

The following day six mice died and went to heaven. God told them: "You have been good mice all your lives. Is there anything you wish?"

"Yes," they said. "We always had to run everywhere, being chased by cats or people. We'd love a pair of roller skates each so that we can get around heaven without having to use our little legs as much."

So God provided each mouse with a pair of roller skates.

A week later, God thought he'd check up on the cat who was fast asleep on his new pillow.

"Is everything OK?" asked God.

The cat stretched out. "Perfect," he said. "I've never been happier. The pillow is so comfortable and those meals on wheels you've been sending over are simply the best!"

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Dump The Cat


A man hated his wife's's cat so much that he decided to get rid of it by driving it twenty blocks from home and dumping it.

But as he got back home, he saw the cat wandering up the driveway. So he drove the cat forty blocks away and dumped it.

But when he arrived back home, there was the cat waiting for him at the front door. In desperation, he drove the cat fifty miles out into the country and dumped it in the middle of a wood.

Four hours later his wife got a phone call at home. "Darling," said her husband. "Is that cat there?"

"Yes," said the wife. "Why?"

"Just put him on the line will you? I need direction."

[YY Tell Me Why?]

Handsome Hunk


A woman renowned for her charitable work was granted three wishes by a fairy godmother. "To be honest," she said, "I have everything I could possibly want in life. What more can I wish for?" Then she thought for a moment and said: "Well, I supposed a new dinner table would be nice. "I've had that one for over 35 years."

Within seconds, the fairy godmother had delivered a new table. "Now what about your second wish?"

"Hmmm," mused the woman. "Well, if you insist, I supposed a new car would be nice for getting me to church."

No sooner had she spoken than a brand new car appeared on the drive.

"And for your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.

"Well, I guess there's no point in having a new car without somebody to share it with. Could you possibly turn my loyal and loving cat into a handsome young man?"

At that, the cat was transformed into a handsome hunk. The young man cooly strolled over to the woman and said: "I bet you're sorry you had me neutered now."

[bigbirdbird]

If men wrote the Dear Abby column...

Dear Mr. Abby:

Q: My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me.

A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you, he can only settle for the next best thing...your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can only bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.

A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day: then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behaviour and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's great time to clean the house too!) Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he returns home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.

A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it do it on your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should. He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm and then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.

A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

[bigbirdbird]

Some of you may or may not remember the origial 1980's song by Gloria Gaynor!

Sing this along to the Gloria Gaynor tune "I Will Survive"......


At first I was afraid, I was petrified,
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, That I
grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on....


But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a big mac and you've bought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bullshit, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no anaconda lurking in those jeans!


Go on now go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4! Weren't you a
brat to think I wouldn't find you out!? Don't you know we're only joking
when we say size doesn't count???!


(Chorus)
I will survive! I will survive!
'Cos as long as I have batteries,
My sex life is gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!. . Hey! Hey!
[Verse II]


It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with all your egos and to hell with all your needs Now I'm
saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
(Chorus)

[bigbirdbird]

How to Make Love Like a Man

1. While flipping through channels, catch a glimpse of men's underwear ad. Feel instant and overwhelming desire for sex.

2. Find partner. Begin undressing self and partner.

3. Wait a minute: What's going on? Partner is kissing you not on nipples but on lips. Guiding your hand away from lower regions and toward shoulder. Oh, right, now you remember. Foreplay.

4. Kiss and touch, kiss and touch. This is making you feel incredibly hot, while it seems your partner is still just warming up to room temperature.

5. Attempt to find "magic button" that will make your partner as turned on as you are. After much groping, finally think you locate it. Rub it. Rub it hard. Stop only when you notice partner's attention has drifted back to TV.

6. Offer to give oral sex, your third most favorite sexual activity. There is a chance that this may lead to receiving oral sex, your first most favorite sexual activity.

7. Spend 23 minutes on the giving end. When your partner finally seems enthusiastic enough to want to reciprocate, find that you're forced to stop after two minutes for fear of the entire encounter ending right there.

8. Almost "forget" birth control.

9. Now it's time for your second most favorite sexual activity. Okay, it's in. Thirty seconds later, attempt to train your mind on the anti-orgasmic image of the boy who peed on the school bus in third grade. Then, despite your best efforts, your mind returns to Matt Damon, and the school bus turns into a huge, rocking iron bed.

10. Your partner seems excited now. Very excited. Is partner having an orgasm? You can't quite tell. But who really cares, at least at the moment. Your body is being tossed skyward as if by a volcano and that howl of joy just might be coming from your own mouth.

11. Check surroundings. Yes, good, you're still in the same room.

12. Grasp partner's hand and say how great the sex was.

[bigbirdbird]

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the striper

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's ten

Good: Your neighbour exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbours.
Worse: All of them.

[bigbirdbird]

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a shit

Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a " pearl necklace "

Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos

Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection

Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels

Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place

Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra

Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.

Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then go home with two of them.

[Notsocheap]

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored. "What happened to you feet?" his wife asked. "I had a childhood disease called tolio." "Don't you mean polio?" "No, tolio, it only affects the toes." He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees. "What happened to your knees?" she asked. "Well, I also had kneesles." "Don't you mean measles?" "No, kneesles, it only affects the knees." When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said... "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

[Notsocheap]

Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said, "You'd better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do; he'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said, "Don't worry Mum, I've got it covered."

So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said "You shouldn't be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf's out and you know what he'll do if he catches you. He'll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she pulled out the shotgun and said, "Don't worry boys. Got it covered!"

As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said, "You shouldn't have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and shag your little red socks off."

So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said...

"NO! You're going to eat me like the book says."

[Notsocheap]

A woman, getting married for the fourth time, goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress.

"You can't wear white.", reminds the sales clerk, "You've been married three times already."

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin!", says the bride. "Impossible", says the sales clerk.

"Unfortunately not", the bride explained. "My first husband was a psychologist. All he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist. All he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector.... God I miss him"

[Notsocheap]

Carlos calls his boss in the morning:

"Ey, boss I no come work today I really sick. I got headache,
stomach ache, my legs hurt, I no work today."

The boss says:

"You know Carlos I really need you today. When I feel like this I go
to my wife and tell her to give me a blowjob. That makes me feel
better and I can go to work. You should try that."

2 hours later Carlos calls:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. And
by the way, you got nice house."

[Notsocheap]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to
thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share
the room with?"

[Rumour]

thanks to all contributors.... laughing my dickie off lol

[oldslyfox]

Yah me too but I laugh until I nearly fell off my chair.