Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[ossy77]

Ah Beng was travelling in a crowded bus. As he took out his wallet to pay the fare, his passport-size photograph accidentally fell from his pocket. He started searching for it frantically & found it on the floor, below the ends of a woman's long sari. He asked her "Can you lift up your sari? I wanna take photograph"
He was beaten up so badly that he had to be admitted to hospital.

He was surprised to see his Singaporean friend, Ah Seng, on the bed next to him, in a worse condition.
Ah Seng explained what happened to him. He had gone to a remote village to work. He finished late and missed the last bus. He couldn't find any hotel. So he approached a nearby house and asked the owner whether he can stay there for the night.

The owner replied "I have 2 grown up daughters. Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He approached the next house and asked whether he can stay there for the night. The owner replied, "I have 3 grown up daughters. "Sorry, I can't allow you to stay".
He went to the next house and asked: "Do you have grown up daughters?"
The Owner asked, "Why?"
Ah Seng replied, "I wanted to stay here for a night....."
The next thing he knew, he was in the hospital bed.


Anyone likes my jokes, please up me. Thanks.

[bakylotus]

IT DOESN'T HURT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIBLICAL
HUMOUR ONCE IN A WHILE

Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A: Ruthless

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?
A: German Shepherds

Q: Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A: Noah, he was floating his stock while everyone
else was in liquidation.

Q: Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A: Pharoah's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q: Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A: Samson, he brought the whole house down

Q: What excuse did Adam give to his children that he
no longer live in Eden?
A: Your mother ate us out of the house and home.

Q: Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker
in the Bible?
A: Moses, he broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q: Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A: The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing

Q: Who is the greatest babysitter in the Bible?
A; David, he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep

PS: Did you know that it is a sin for woman to brew coffee?
Yup, its in the Bible. It says, He-brews.

KEEP SMILING. GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES.

[beary]

Dirty Johnny was in grade three. The teacher was discussing weather science. She asked the class if anyone knew what was on top a weather vane. Only Johnny raised his hand.

She didn't want to ask him because she knew he would think of something "dirty" to say. However, he WAS the only kid with a raised arm. So, she acknowledged him. "Johnny, what is on top of a weather vane?" she asked.

"A cock," Johnny replied.

"Very good," the teacher cringed. "And, Johnny, do you know why there is a cock on top of a weather vane?"

"Yeah, sure," Johnny said. "`cause if it were a cunt, the wind would blow right through it!"

[beary]

Nuns ran an orphanage for girls in a rural part of Georgia. One day, the Mother Superior called in 3 teenage girls who were about to leave and seek their way in life.

"You have led a very sheltered life and you are going into an extremely sinful world." she said. "I must warn you that men will take advantage of you. They'll do anything to get their way. They'll take you to restaurants, buy you drinks and dinner, then back to their apartments and motels where they'll undress you, do terrible things, give you twenty or thirty dollars and kick you out."

"Excuse me, Mother." one of the girls asked. "You mean men will take advantage of us and give us cash?"

"Yes child, why do you ask?"

"Because the priests only give us candy!"

[beary]

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her how things went.

"Well," she laughed,

"Did you ever try to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank?"


==========


How can you tell your daughter's being abused at her day-care center?
You hand her a broom and she straddles it.

How can you tell your son's being abused at his day-care center?
He won't use a pacifier unless it's got hair on it


============================


A heckler asks an overweight comedian "How come you are so fat?" The comedian replies

Well, every time I screwed your mother, she gave me a biscuit."


============


Mary: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.

Jill: What makes you think so?

Mary: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up
and headed for the bedroom.

Jill: So?

Mary: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?"

And he asked, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"

[beary]

Yo mama's so nasty



Yo mama's so nasty, she only changes her drawers once every 10000 miles.

Yo mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!

Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."

Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.

Yo mama's so nasty, when she did the splits, she stuck to the floor.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has more crabs then Red Lobster.

Yo mama's so nasty, she pours salt water in her drawers to keep the crabs alive.

Yo mama's so nasty, she breeds crabs.

Yo mama's so nasty, her crabs use her tampon string as a bungee cord.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign over her pussy that says "Crabs: All U Can Eat"

Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said whats for dinner, yo mama jumped up on the table, spread her legs, and said "crabs!"

Yo mama's so nasty, when I went to yo house said what's for dinner, yo mama put her foot up on the table and said "Corn!"

Yo mama's so nasty, she's got more clap than an auditorium.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has a sign by her pussy that says: "Warning: May cause irritation, drowsiness, and a rash or breakouts."

Yo mama's so nasty, they call her Norelco... Home of the triple head.

Yo mama's so nasty, she made Speed Stick slow down.

Yo mama's so nasty, she made Right Guard turn left.

Yo mama's so nasty, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.

Yo mama's so nasty, she went swimming and made the Dead Sea.

Yo mama's so nasty, her tits give sour milk.

Yo mama's so nasty, she bit the dog and gave it rabies.

Yo mama's so nasty, when someone asked her what she was going to eat,
she spread her legs and pointed down.

Yo mama's so nasty, she bought her boyfriend kneepads for Christmas.

Yo mama's so nasty, she had sex with a woman and got pregnant.

Yo mama's so nasty, I called her up for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo mama's so nasty, I talked to her over the computer and she gave me a virus.

Yo mama's so nasty, a skunk smelled her ass and passed out.

Yo mama's so stank, the only dis I want to give her is a disinfectant.

Yo mama's so stank, even dogs won't sniff her crotch.

Yo mama smells like the Flash's nuts after a hard day of runnin'.

Yo mama's so stank, when you were being delivered, the doctor was wearing the oxygen mask.

Yo mama smells so bad her Sure deodorant is confused and her Secret told on her.

Yo mama's so stank, she made her Right Guard call for backup.

Yo mama's so stank, she made Right Guard go left, Speed Stick slow down, and Ban come off strike.

Yo mama's so stank, she has to use Right Guard and Left Guard.

Yo mama's so stank, a blind man walking by her asked "How much for the shrimp platter?"

Yo mama's so stank, when she spreads her legs I get sea sick.

Yo mama's so stank, she was playing in a sand box and a cat came along and buried her.

Yo mama smells like hot ass on a cold day.

Yo mama's so stank, every time she opens her mouth she's talking shit.

Yo mama's so stank, that her shit is glad to escape.

Yo mama's so stank, she's like Shaquille O'Neal, she don't fake the funk!!

Yo mama's so stank, next to her a skunk smells sweet.

Yo mama's so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.

Yo mama's so skanky, she stuck in a cucumber and pulled out a pickle.

Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in but they don't check out.

[seesaw]

Three women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell, I got into my car and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.

Then, the first girl spoke out again, "Listen girls, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my Dog!!"

[seesaw]

Reasons Masturbation Is Better Than Real Sex

1. Your hand always lets you finish first.

2. It's free.

3. Same reason my Chevy is better than a Ferrari: It's all I can get.

4. You call the position.

5. "Premature ejaculation"? hehehe

6. No weird looks when you pull out the peanut butter.

7. Your privates are your best friend.

8. Your girlfriend is just a piece of skin that you have sex with.

9. Gives a single man good reason to wash his socks.

10. Easier to join their "Mile High Club."

11. You get to scream out your own name.

12. Peeing is considered foreplay.

13. Nobody ever says, "Why is it all green and wrinkly?"

14. You'll never have two women, but you'll always have two HANDS!

15. Four words: "Brad Pitt hand puppet."

16. You can do it and play Interactive Top Ten at the same time.

17. Don't have to clean up fur afterwards.

[seesaw]

If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.


Q.What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

What do you call the art of erotic paper folding?
Origasmi

Streetwalker’s slogan: It's a business to do pleasure with you.

Q. How do you tell the difference between a cow and a bull?
A. Milk them both. The one that smiles is the bull.

KY Jelly have jumped on the Millennium bandwagon with the slogan for their new product:"Y2K-Y Jelly :

When you want to put four digits where only two could fit before"

Q: What's the difference between rooting a girl with arms and rooting a girl with no arms?
A: If you're rooting a girl with no arms and your dick slips out, you have to put it back all by yourself.

Q: What has 100 teeth and can hold back a huge monster?
A: My zipper.

Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.

Q: What's the best thing about dating a blonde?
A: She shuts up the second you put your dick back in her mouth.

Q: Do you know why they named it the "wonder bra?"
A: When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

[seesaw]

Questions About Childbirth

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, But pressure. Is she right?

Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is In labor?
Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?

Authorized personnel only -- doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.

[seesaw]

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. Some of guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house.

Says the husband to his wife, "Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a virgin!"

She responds, "And what? Do you want me to blow my nose in the bed sheets so that everyone will think you're still able to get it up?"

[seesaw]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:



40-ish................................49

Adventurous......................Slept with everyone

Athletic..............................No tits

Average looking.................Ugly

Beautiful............................Pathological liar

Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure.............On medication

Feminist.............................Fat

Free spirit..........................Junkie

Friendship first...................Former slut

Fun...................................Annoying

New-Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned....................No BJs

Open-minded.....................Desperate

Outgoing............................Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate.........................Sloppy drunk

Professional.......................Bitch

Voluptuous........................Very Fat

Large frame.......................Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate................Stalker





WOMEN'S ENGLISH:



1. Yes = No.

2. No = Yes.

3. Maybe = No.

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not.

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think

about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:



1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you!

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

[seesaw]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs *******(Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow ********(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U ***************(What the *!!*???)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. *******(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[konnects]

Life's Observations

1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.

4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.

7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.

10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

[konnects]

George W Bush meets Moses!

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair.

The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "YES, I AM!"

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and had taken so long to answer him.

The man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up stuck in a desert for forty years!