Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

There was a preacher in a church down South who was getting more and more distressed by all the "Sunday" Christians who showed up for church on Sunday but were not good Christians the rest of the week. A fire-and-brimstone kind of guy, he got up in the pulpit one Sunday morning and laid into his congregation.

There is SIN in this Church!" he hollered. "You people are all sinners and I'm getting tired of it! Its time to confess to your sins before God and your fellow sinners. We are going to have a cleansing. Right here! Right now! CONFESS you sinners. Tell us your sins and clean yourself in the eyes of the Lord! Who's first?"

He walks down the aisle pointing at first one then another still hollering "Confess" and "Who will be first?"

One man in the back couldn't take it any longer and stood up. "I will preacher. I'm a sinner. I've been spending all my money drinking and whoring instead of taking care of my family." and the preacher yells back "Good! God will forgive you if you mend your ways." And to the audience, C'mon! Who's next? I want to hear it all!"

And another broke and stood. "I've hit my wife and children. Forgive me God!" and the preacher replied. "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me." And then another man stood and said "I've taken money from my boss and then used that money to gamble." And again the preacher shouts out in ecstasy, "Yes! Yes! That's the way! Let me hear it all. Give it all to me. I want to hear EVERYBODY! Give it ALL to me!"

And still another man stood and said in a firm voice: "I've had sex with a goat."

And the preacher replies in a calm voice "Damn, brother! I don't think I would confess to that!"

[bigbirdbird]

Snow White was desperate for a fuck
she went to the woods to try her luck.

She'd almost given up looking,
when she saw some chimney smoke,
then she stumbled on the cottage,
and went in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in seconds.
and she'd just removed her pants,
when seven dwarfs came marching in,
with a merry song and dance.

Snow White just stood there speechless,
and thought she was in heaven,
originally after one good shag,
but now she could have seven.

Straight away she took command,
"My fanny needs a lick!"
And when one dwarf moved forward,
she said "Oi-you'd better drop your pick"

So down he went onto all fours,
and said "I ain't licking that",
"Not there, that is my arse-hole,
you DOPEY little brat!"

The next dwarf started blushing,
"Do we have to do it here?"
Snow White said "Don't be BASHFUL,
unless you're a fucking queer"

So reluctantly he whipped it out,
to prove he was no fool,
and Snow White gave a big "Heigh-Ho",
as she rode upon his tool.

Now one dwarf wasn't smiling,
'cos he hadn't had a sniff,
and due to his impatience,
he couldn't raise a stiff.

"Relax, you GRUMPY bastard",
so he did as he was told,
and as soon as he was hard enough,
he shot his fucking load.

The next dwarf got a blow-job,
and she took him deep quite easy,
but she just avoided brain-damage,
when he sneezed, she called him SNEEZY.

With three dwarfs left she turned and said,
"You're next, I want your knob!"
But no sooner than he had entered her,
and he was sleeping on the job.

"Wake up you SLEEPY bastard",
she wanted more from him,
and he woke with such excitement,
that he filled her hairy quim.

The next dwarf rammed his up her,
and shagged her fanny raw,
a dazed Snow White them whimpered.
"That should be against the law."

He made poor Snow White tremble,
he was so big and thick.
"No wonder you're so HAPPY,
with that fucking great big prick"

With one dwarf still remaining,
but feeling rather sore,
she said "You'll have to use your tongue,
my twat can't take no more!"

And so he put his tongue to work,
where others had placed their cocks,
and 'cos he made Snow White feel better,
she named the last dwarf DOC.

Now Snow White couldn't do much,
with all that cum inside her quim,
so she grabbed a cup, and squatted,
and filled it to the brim.

So there's the truth about the dwarfs,
and how they got their names,
by satisfying Miss Snow White,
and joining in her games.

There's one more thing you need to know,
and that's - What happened to that cup,
well think of what you're drinking,
when you next buy 7-Up

[goodpartner]

Originally Posted by HCKing

REG rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?" REG says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee." Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities....."REG replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

Buahahahahahaha *fark*

[bigbirdbird]

He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said . That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ...... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him .. . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said....What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[bigbirdbird]

A man is busy screwing his girlfriend on the railway tracks. The alert train driver spots the couple miles before and immediately starts hooting and starts applying the brakes, but the couple just ignores it and is happily in the act.

The driver is damn irritated and just stops a few yards away from the loving couple. He jumps down from the engine and rushes towards the man who has just finished and is zipping up his pants.

The driver is so angry, he starts shouting at the irresponsible young man, "You idiot, do you realize that if I had not seen you at the right time, this would have been your last f..k"

“Hold on” replies the young man. “Listen, you were coming; she was coming and I was coming... But only you had the brakes...”..

[bigbirdbird]

You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl. Suddenly she faints inside
your car and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful!

But at the hospital they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that
you are going to be a father. You say that you are not the father, but
the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful!

So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.

After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile, and
probably have been since birth. You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids at home.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!!

[bigbirdbird]

A Lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself..
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time And sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

[bigbirdbird]

The businessman spent a good half an hour in the hotel lounge
bragging to the hooker about how big his dick was. Finally she
suggested they retire to his room and check it out, and he willingly agreed.

The guy stripped off his clothes, jumped on top of the hooker,
entered her, and said triumphantly, "Why don't you open your mouth, baby, so I can see the end of my prick?"

"Open my mouth?" scoffed the hooker.

"Why don't you wiggle your ass so I can feel it?"

[bigbirdbird]

Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.

His fame grew...and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.

Inside was a beautiful woman, and she asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude.

This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole. The woman said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.


Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.

In a few minutes, he returned.... And said to the lady,"Ya, shoor, you betcha.

I'll paint ya in DA nude, but I'll haff at leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

[HCKing]

REG goes to pick up his high class maid for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." REG thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Damn it Spot, get down before he shits on you."

[HCKing]

REG walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"
The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"
"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[HCKing]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[HCKing]

REG went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for one dollar worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave him a receipt.

[HCKing]

Once there was a sperm named REG. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, REG was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
REG replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there".
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when REG pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up braddahs it's a BLOW JOB!"

[goodpartner]

Originally Posted by HCKing

REG goes to pick up his high class maid for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Luckly, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it. He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there." REG thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts. Finally the woman yells, "Damn it Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Buahahahhahahah *fart*
Somehow all these farting and shit-related posts about REG makes me (i mean my arsehole) laugh out loud
Because all his posts are like farting and he is like shit

Originally Posted by HCKing

REG went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for one dollar worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave him a receipt.