Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Fuxconn]

I was reading the paper earlier when my wife walked in, ripped it from my hands and began stripping off.

After twenty minutes of grinding, sweating and shedding of her oversized pyjamas and dressing gown, she was left in a spent heap in front of the telly.

"Well it's been a long time since I last did that for you." she panted.

"Yeah, it has been." I replied.

"And then you go and fucking spoil it."

[Fuxconn]

I saw this girl crying in a pub, so I went up to her and asked what was wrong.

"I split up with my boyfriend, because he's a sexist pig."

"I'm a great listener, if you want to tell me more," I replied.

"You don't even know me," she cried, "why would you want to listen to me?"

"Because you have massive tits."

[Fuxconn]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad

came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm

coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[Fuxconn]

A woman was very despondent over not having sex in quite some time. She was becoming agitated and worried that she might never find a mate. In hopes of finding a solution

to her problem, she decided that it was time to see a doctor. Looking thru the phone book, she came upon a Chinese sex therapist named Dr. Chang.

When the woman arrived, she told the doctor her symptoms and he said, "Take off all your clothes and you crawl real fass away from me across the froor."

She crawled to the other side of the room and Dr. Chang said, "Now...you crawl real fass back to me," and she did. Dr. Chang shook his head and said, "you haf real bad case

of Ed Zachary disease....worse case I ever see! That why you haf sex probrem."

The woman was completely confused and asked the doctor exactly what Ed Zachary Disease was and he replied, "Ed Zachary Disease....that when your face rook ED-

ZACHARY rike your ass!"

[Fuxconn]

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he

could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that

the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

[Fuxconn]

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And

then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[Fuxconn]

The Kentuckian and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.

"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.

"Nope", he replied.

A few minutes later she asked, “Now do you want to get in the back seat?”

"No, I don't", he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

[MM&MM]

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

[MM&MM]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[MM&MM]

A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try. The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."

[power88]

Jokes especially with sex thingy involvement really thumb up
Let me contribute my part too:

I was having a pub gathering with 2 of my forgeiner friends. We were drinking till wee hours and getting almost high and drunk. Our conversation start to drift to some boosting abt sex performance.

My first friend from America ran to the stage and shouted loud on the mic :' I have a nine inch long cock and can make a gal have multiple organism during 1 hour sex'
Half of the pub ppls started to applaud or whining or boo-ing away..

My second friend from Africa also ran up the stage and spoke on the mic: 'I have a Perfect ten inch long cock and can make myself cum multiple times. My record is 6 times in 1 hour and my nickname is Duracel non-stop action!
Most of the ppls in the pub also applaud loudly and cheering away..

Ok my turn, being a typical Singapor Lang cannot lose out and kiasu..
I spoke soundly to the ppl: ' I only got a 6 inch long cock, and i only need to take out my pant, the gals will shiver and ran away..
with that, I proudly take out my cloth and pant to show them.

With a tattoo showing on my belly : I will FINE YoU If you make me Cum

[Oooh~La~La]

Tight Skirts

A woman tried to board a bus but her skirt was so tight that she couldn't make the step up.

So she reached behind her, lowered her zip and tried again. Still the skirt was too tight. So again she reached behind her, lowered her zip a little more and tried to negotiate the step. But still the skirt was too tight.

Determined to catch this bus, she once more reached behind her, lowered the zip a little and attempted to climb aboard. Then suddenly she felt two hands on her butt, helping her on to the bus.

She turned around angrily and told the man behind her: "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you to behave in such a manner."

The man replied: "Lady, I don't know you well enough for you to unzip my fly three times either!"

[Oooh~La~La]

Word Power

The manager of a ladies' dress shop realised that it was time to give one of her sales staff a pep talk. "Paula," she said, "your figures are the lowest in the department by a long way. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid I'll have to let you go."

"I'm sorry, ma'am," said a humbled Paula. "Can you offer me any advice on how to do better?"

"Well," said the manager, "there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you find a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."

Sure enough, Paula's sales figures shot up, and at the end of the month the manager called her in again, this time to congratulate her.

"Did you try my little trick?" she asked.

Paula nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did in the end."

"And what is it?"

"Fantastic."

"Yes, that's an excellent word," said the manager encouragingly. "And how have you been using it?"

"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in class. I said, "Fantastic", and she bought $500 worth of clothing."

"My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was organizing. I said, "Fantastic." She went on to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and that her husband makes the most money. "Fantastic", I said, and she not only bought a $2,000 designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of accessories. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying, "Fantastic", and they keep buying!"

"Excellent work, Paula," said the manager. "You're a credit to the department. Just as a matter of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"

Paula shrugged. "It was usually, 'Who cares?'"

[Oooh~La~La]

The New Suit

Harry wanted a new suit so he bought a nice piece of cloth and tried to find a good tailor.

The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth, measured Harry, then told him there was not enough cloth to make a suit.

Harry found this hard to accept, so he went to the tailor next door who measured both Harry and the cloth before announcing that there was enough cloth to make a three-pice suit.

A week later, Harry returned to collect his suit and noticed that the tailor's son was wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

Puzzled, Harry asked: "How come you have been able to make a three-piece suit for me and trousers for your son when the chap next door could not even make a suit?"

"Simple," said the tailor. "The guy next door has two sons."

[Oooh~La~La]

The Make-Over

In dire need of a make-over, Nancy went to her salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous model.

She showed the stylist the trendy new cut she wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on her thin, graying hair.

Nancy was delighted by his cheerful attitude until she recognized the melody.

It was the theme from ‘Mission Impossible