Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane in his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a sudden he got a flat tire.

Exasperated, the priest stopped his car, got out, and assessed the damage.

Luckily a four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled to a stop behind the crippled vehicle.

The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a powerful hunk of a man.

"Good afternoon, Father," greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"

"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As you can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must admit I've never changed one before."

"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care of it."

And without skipping a beat, the bruiser picked up the front of the car with one hand and removed the lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the other.

"Why don't you get the spare from the trunk?"

"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered the amazed Father Harris.

The priest rolled the spare around to the strong- man who casually lifted it up with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.

"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.

"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts are as tight as a nun's snatch."

"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better get the wrench."

[bigbirdbird]

FEMALE PRECOITIAL AGREEMENT:

I, the undersigned, agree that:

1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for two minutes, I shall politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.

2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".

3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak and that have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that size does matter.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick".

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________

Date ____________________

[bigbirdbird]

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

[bigbirdbird]

NAME: Expecteria Trouserius (Trouser Snake)

LOCATION: Throughout the world

DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.

SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen,
resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen, resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.

HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in unusual places.

ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim but
so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

MILKING THE SNAKE:

1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile, with the thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive and start spitting.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the skill of the milker and the last time the snake attacked.
5. Once milked the snake should be harmless for about 20 minutes.

CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin and treated with the right respect will make a wonderful pet.

[bigbirdbird]

EXPRESSIONS FOR HIGH STRESS DAYS


1. Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

2. Make yourself at home. Clean my kitchen.

3. Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we now?

4. A hard-on doesn't' t count as personal growth.

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a fucking people person?

7. You! Off my planet!!

8. I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

9. I wish for world peace, harmony and nakedness.

10 Let me show you how the guards used to do it

11. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

12. Allow me to introduce my selves.

13. Whisper my favorite words: I'll buy it for you.

14. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

15. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?

16. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

17. How many times do I have to flush you before you go away?

18. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

19. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

20. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door # 2

22. Okay, okay, I take it back! UNFUCK YOU!

23. Just smile and say "Yes Mistress,"

24. Mommy, I want to grow up to be a neurotic bitch just like you.

25. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

26. This is a mean, fucking cruel world & I want my nappy and medication right now.

27. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic except my friends deep inside the earth.

28. Earth is full. Go home.

29. Is it time for your medication or mine?

30. And which dwarf are you?

31. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

[bigbirdbird]

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My God! I never realized you had such huge droopy breasts."

The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room.

While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man.

"Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was "Hells bells! I didn't realize you had such a big fat droopy arse..." Then she threw me out.

Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder. "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?"

"No" says the third fellow, "But, shit! I bloody well could have!"

[bigbirdbird]

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.,and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl." "No, that is still too crude.Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well, I raised over 700 little peckers last year."

[bigbirdbird]

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

[tellme]

Mixed up??

A girl says to her dad... " i wanna marry Robert!".. he dad says."NO! marry others but not Robert".. she then ask " Why dad? why?".. then the father whispered.. "Don't tell your mum.. but Robert is actually your brother".. Surpised, she went upstairs and told her mum.. " Mum, dad says i can't marry Robert". Her mum said.." Don't listen to your dad.. u can marry anybody, even Robert".. surprised again the girl ask her mum "But dad said Robert is actually my brother, how can i marry my own brother?".. her mum then said.. "well, don't tell your dad.. he doesn't know that you're not his daughter!".. the girl faints!

[ET@Home]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.”
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[ET@Home]

Stupid.....But funny...


Subject: Funnies
Things to make you stop and think

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an
ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large
fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain
the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in
thedriveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't
want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning
'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.

[ET@Home]

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Bubba

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local Police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

[ET@Home]

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

[ET@Home]

Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

[ET@Home]

A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer. The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner. "My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.