I am addicted to a FL!

[hotstuffm8]

trolololol

[larue]

hotstuff: You're right, I'm not in the least bit interested in ending this right now. By the same token, I am not actually crying for help. I have been here, and read enough to know that the advice is pretty much the same for everyone to whom something like this has happened. I am not a special snowflake, no man is in a situation like this.

Perhaps I may have overstated the extent of my being kc'ed. I do actually have self-defense mechanisms in place.

As for wrecking my marriage and family, I am not sure how that will pan out, if it does. I consider my marriage over, and have felt this way for years. Whatever happens, there is absolutely no way my wife and child will be left to fend for themselves on account of anything I do.

I feel responsible for my wife, and of course my child (on whom I dote and consider it essential that I play my role in ensuring he grows up to functional, useful, happy and responsible. Of course, all these are subject to interpretation, as I am aware that many would already consider me irresponsible, but I trust that with guidance and support, he can sort these out for himself next time).

Ensuring they are well taken care of is paramount for now, and nothing will detract from that. I just no longer feel capable, and have felt this way for many years, of taking care of my wife romantically.

Your advice, and that of many others is very much appreciated. the thing is: I don't want to conduct the experiment you suggested, because I know it will work. She will soon be forgotten, a finer pusser as described by eQuipment.

Gaofar: I'm kidding about the fugly part bro, lol, someone asked if she's pretty. Which of course is the case to me, since these things really do appeal to men.

I know how one feels relieve and happy to finally found a woman who is concern about you so dearly that you are wondering why your legal other half was not like this. Actually, I can tell a lot of it is fake lol. I suppose this is what I mean by self defense mechanism.

your issue is simply your wife which you just need to have a heart-to-heart talk with her (or probably you have done that already?). Well, for me then I tried to talk seriously to my ex-wife but she simply "bochup", for a good length of 5 years before I go "hay-wire".. I have, it leads to emo. Lots of it. I have maintained an emotional, and sexual distance from my wife for many years now.

singmarine: yes.

I appreciate the advice, but just so you all know and probably can tell, I didn't come here to seek advice on how to break this. Any idiot knows how to do it, if he chooses to.

Idiots like me don't want to.

Perhaps when this has run its course, it may be just another cautionary tale for others, maybe it will just peter out with nothing left (and thereby be not much of a story at all!), maybe there will be a happy ending! Right.

[hotstuffm8]

trolololol

[larue]

Now adding to the part of her appeal being PRC as contrast to Singaporeans.

I love the language, the way she speaks (again one must emphasize that it is probably no better, and no worse than peers, and almost certainly not as good a peer of hers with more education). It's like...music.

The way the words roll off her tongue, fanciful phrases (by my own shitty standards) in reference even to the most simple of things. It's so... sexy. Except when she uses vulgarities ha ha, which happes to be very frequently in fact.

This is in stark contrast to so many Singaporeans, educated or otherwise, whose command of one, or both languages is so poor that they are unable to converse meaningfully with native English or Mandarin speakers on anything but the most banal of issues.

One's ability to frame an argument or a point-of-view is necessarily constarined by one's ability in whatever selected language. And this is where so many Singaporeans fail, there is so much anger here over comments from Sun Xu, and when told to reflect upon his words, are unable to come up with anything more than mass indignation because they cannot put in words why they are angry, beyond a vague feeling that they must be.

Just a note: when a dog barks, other dogs in the neighbourhood follow. In the end, they are all barking, and none of them really have a clue what they're barking about. Perhaps Sun Xu has a point.

Watching local television is a cringe-worthy exercise. It is one thing to absorb foreign elements into a language. happens all the time. It is another to mix them up randomly because one lacks the ability or willingness to try to do it properly in one language. And then to take pride in it? *facepalm*

No wonder Singaporeans get pushed over everwhere. Get pushed around by bad service froma Filipino service staff? Get all hot under the collar about it, but still feel so helpless because so many are unable to give the bad service perpetrator a good upside down fucking because they do't know how to. So much anger with no outlet for release in this country.

End result: blame the foreigner. Hopefully old man's recent $10mil plus add-ons will actually achieve something more than Bryan Wong appearing on tv and speaking as badly as he can in all languages.

Thanks Old Man, your years of bilingualism has produced an army of excellent technical-paper writing yes men, but not many who have the ability to conceive of themselves as anything other than followers.

Of course, other factors contribute to this, but it is my opinion that linguistic ability has an important role.

If you cannot say what you mean, you cannot mean what you say. Yes, so I love the language part of being with her. Expensive Chinese lessons.

Can get them cheaper at the SCCCI of course, and probably better. But I don't get the bonks.

TBC

[manhunt]

Originally Posted by larue

Now adding to the part of her appeal being PRC as contrast to Singaporeans.

I love the language, the way she speaks (again one must emphasize that it is probably no better, and no worse than peers, and almost certainly not as good a peer of hers with more education). It's like...music.

The way the words roll off her tongue, fanciful phrases (by my own shitty standards) in reference even to the most simple of things. It's so... sexy. Except when she uses vulgarities ha ha, which happes to be very frequently in fact.

This is in stark contrast to so many Singaporeans, educated or otherwise, whose command of one, or both languages is so poor that they are unable to converse meaningfully with native English or Mandarin speakers on anything but the most banal of issues.

Yo, brother, i know exactly how you feel about this. Even i feel this way too that many PRC the way they speaks sounds wayyy better than our local breed. Yet they get despised or irritated look by our local females when they speak in public etc.

[hotstuffm8]

trolololol

[Marblecat]

Well, if nothing else, this whole thread is certainly atypical, if nothing else, due to the honesty and seeming self awareness of TS. I hope you don't mind if I pop in, even if my comments may seem banal. I have to admit that there is an element of compulsion that draws curious on-lookers in, akin to an accident scene-in-coming perhaps? Or not quite, just something different, with elements that speak to different levels of different readers (e.g. whoring, marital problems, mid-life angst etc), and an outcome that could be tragic, sad, funny, but probably rather dramatic, and unlikely to be boring. So yes, the compulsive viewing compulsion can be understood haha.

Just as an aid for my own lack of clarity, could I ask if you, bro Larue, can simply state again, why you think you are embarking on this, and why your journal here (I think it does have an even chance of becoming a journal yes)? What ends do yo useek, or is the act of penning cathartic in itself?

I'm not going to be patronizing and say I can empathise, although I think I can really share what you feel on certain levels. Sadly, I think many married men can. If I were in your shoes now, I can hazard a few stray meandering thoughts as to why I do what I'm doing. Being with an FL the way you describe, if nothing else, gives a point of reference, if you catch my meaning. And in life, one can wear the mask of the world weary, weather beaten, older-but-wiser man of experience all one wants, but there is still space, or even need, for points of reference.

It matters not even if it turns out ultimately an exercise in futility, or bereft of value or meaning; because right here, right now, and right with me, it has substance, it has character, it has reality. It is in some ways, like the first cigarette after 10 years since you quit. You're not really addicted to the nicotine (or re-addicted yet), but you could be; you're doing it for other reasons. The familiar, yet forgotten feel of the filter between the fingers, the acrid, yet soothing intrusion of smoke down your throat. Heck, this can't be good for you, and damn if you can't even say "Damn but this feels good", because, it IS good, but perhaps not THAT good. But you're already on your second hit even as that thought crosses your mind. And of course, you can quit, but it's not going to get easier with time, but to quit now, well it just doesn't seem ... what's the word? Fitting?

I hear what the situation is with the wife. It's sad but not unique. Self-awareness is seldom a weakness and perhaps you might want to consider your true take on this. There can only be so many emotional black holes in one's life, and there can be no emotional vacuum, no matter how de-sensitised and hardened you may feel. A true breakdown in relationships is not characterised by hate, but by indifference. And respites from indifference can take many forms, even ones that are not constructive.

I wish you luck, and hope to stay on and observe developments. It could be another point of reference for you, me, and a zillion silent observers reading this while making sense of thrie lives.

[trlzz]

I don't mean mean to be rude, but i think there is no point in encouraging tS at this point, when u say or proclaim or declare that " I know I am an idiot!" it doesn't mean anything less if you are really are one

Look man, there are plenty of gals (PRC or otherwise) who are not money-faced and with the right values, and i'm sure you will find someone like that sooner or later if you decide to say sayonara to your wife

i think you are just addicted to her machinations la, snap out of it man, siao

[larue]

I am here seeking neither endorsement of or opprobrium towards my actions. It is not intended as a cautionary tale, or a unducement for action to or for anyone else. We all make our own judgement calls.

Not to mention my story is on going. Writing it all down may reveal things to me that I may not have thought about simply leaving my thoughts floating around in my head.

I am penning my thoughts primarily for my own benfit, and it may as well be on a public domain since it may be of interest to some. Useful comments will come, as will brickbats, which is par for course if one chooses to talk about these things in public.

Which, of course is rendered possible by the anonymity afforded by the internet.

Nevermind, I am meandering now.

[larue]

Lost almost my entire post navigating out of page by accident! TBC.........

[larue]

Been giving more though to why she appeals to me so much over the past few days.

In my eyes, she is the most caring and gentle woman in the world, with a giant heart and soul and a character so full of kind kindness and beauty.

Wait, scratch that, it sounds like BS. In fact, it is all BS, the kind of BS guys feel compelled to spew when prepping to propose to their girlfriends or some other such shit. I’m done with it, done with living in a world of false virtue.

Now what really draws me to this woman, is her incredible outlook on life. It is one shaped by years of unsheltered experience of being out on her own. It is an outlook that is almost completely devoid of negativity and self-pity.

When things are not going her way, she tears away the negative parts, and focuses on the positives. If there aren’t any, she finds some. She moves on from is useless to dwell on, and onto something she can work on to regain some measure of joy.

I sit there, watching and listening to her speak about pretty much everything while smoking my cigarette, then she throws her head back and laughs. Laughing that she talks so much, and should in fact look for a career in teaching people how to look beyond being unhappy.

And I tell her that which is absolutely true, anyone I know who’s unhappy (and pretty much everyone I know here is unhappy) should have a chat with her. And if they could look beyond their own prejudice (if any) regarding what she does, they would emerge far happier, and perhaps find more meaning in the things that they do.

And I absolutely also love the way she tells me how to take care of my health. What kinds of food to eat to improve whatever part of an ailing body, what kinds of fruits to consume etc. And the frequent reminders that I follow her instructions.

Things my generation have all but long lost and forgotten. How to look after our own bodies. We eat junk, and could barely state any kind of nutritional values of the different kinds of foods we eat daily (if we do) beyond the basics of meat is bad, veg is good.

My generation and my demographic is one that considers itself enlightened, educated, worldly-wise and so on, but really, it is one that knows everything, except that which is important.

Even simple basic things like our local natural environment, or what’s left of it. I could not name most types of flora all over this island beyond the basics communicated to me in primary school textbooks, and I certainly don’t remember any of it now. Certainly I learnt nothing of these from my parents, families or peers (not blaming any one, but that’s just how it went).

We were walking when she asked about a certain flower we passed by (I absolutely loved the way she described it, I am unable to reproduce it in any form). I told her I had no clue what it was, or pretty much what anything was as far as plants here go. To which I get a ‘打你， 什么都不知道！’ and a slap on the arm.

TBC.

[K9696]

Originally Posted by larue

we were walking when she asked about a certain flower we passed by (i absolutely loved the way she described it, i am unable to reproduce it in any form). I told her i had no clue what it was, or pretty much what anything was as far as plants here go. To which i get a ‘打你， 什么都不知道！’ and a slap on the arm.

Tbc.

感觉你回到从前时候在 谈恋爱.....
她所扮演的角色可能你未曾享受过的 - 或许你曾经有过 - 但是是一个回味过去的恋爱史
哈哈哈...

[larue]

Originally Posted by shp0017

wah, you writing storybook ah?

Yah, expected to bore most of you, but written for my own enjoyment (or not) primarily.

Originally Posted by K9696

感觉你回到从前时候在 谈恋爱.....
她所扮演的角色可能你未曾享受过的 - 或许你曾经有过 - 但是是一个回味过去的恋爱史
哈哈哈...

或许吧.

Anyway, lately I have been exceptionally busy ... with her.

Can't believe wife doesn't know, or suspect anything. Maybe she knows everything. *shrug*

What is the dynamic of this relationship? Does she like me? or as she freqently professes, loves me?

Well of course she likes me, she positively adores me. I provide well for her, of course she likes me. Even the unlikeable bits become not so unlikeable in light of that. The money she gets from me makes her life easier. It's easy for her to like me.

She was talking to her mother on the phone yesterday while I was just lying around playing solitaire on my phone when she handed me the phone abruptly so I could say hello to her mother. Which was pretty funny, especially the invitation that I should go and visit them sometime.

She just sent some money back home, and I gather it's her annual non-emergency remittance when she goes to the bank and draws out every cent. My contribution to that fund, including a one-off just for it (she disguised it as money she owed people back there, she really could just have asked, but that never looks good) was about 7k.

Clearly, I have not been able to keep a lid on the escalating cost of her continued companionship. Such is her hold on me.

I tell her that I am unable to sustain this level of spending indefinitely because I have other commitments that cannot be sacrificed on her account, and she nods knowingly. She tells me that as her boyfriend, she appreciates what I do for her, and if I cannot afford to give her that much money, I have to just tell her.

I tell her her jokingly that she needs to find someone with at least twice my means if she expects the same level of financial support over the onger term, and she smacks me like I'm not supposed to say that.

Yet it is perfectly understood between the two of us is that if the money dries up, so does her love and affection.

Over the course of conversations with her, the topic of PRC women (including her friends) leaving their devoted husbands or boyfriends on the basis of their being poor comes up. These are not intended as a warning or anything, but merely stated as matters of fact.

So the day comes when I am no longer willing, or able to 'support' (now the money I give her is affectionately known as living expenses lol) her, she will move on because being with me will no longer mesh with her objective in life, which is to amass as much money as possible.

That's what she is, a mover on. I am not the first person she has become emotionally attached to, largely on account of money, nor I suspect, be the last.

Tht said, she does have a shelf life, of which I am sure she is aware. And I am absolutely certain she has an unwavering target of how much she needs to amass by whatever age.

And she does whatever she has to to achieve it. And she never loses sight of that true objective. Truly remarkable. Something we should all learn from.

And in 3 days, she departs our shores for a few months of R&R back in her hometown, and will be back after 3, maybe 4 months. She suggested that i rent a place for her near my place after she returns so I can just go by anytime. Lol, that's practically mistress territory. Tempting as it sounds, it hardly sounds feasible in any way.

A few months witout her presence would be a good thing, awful as it sounds right now.

For the past few months. I have been living a false life that feels real, and a real one that feels like a dream.

Why have things come to this, why has my life come to this? That is the question.

TBC.

[Asia1]

share the story, share the fl, all trouble will gone ,,,

[hotstuffm8]

trolololol