Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

[bigbirdbird]

The farmer's wife walked into the barn one day and was aghast at what she saw in there.

Instead of milking their cow, her husband was standing with his trousers down at the rear of the bovine and humping away at it like a mink.

Angrily she yelled at him, "That's the most depraved and disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life! I'm going to tell everyone in the community that you were having sex with the cow!"

The farmer, meanwhile, had finished his task and was slowly pulling his trousers back up when he looked at his spouse and calmly replied,

"Very well. You tell everyone I had sex with the cow, and I'll tell everyone that it's because the cow is better than you!"

[bigbirdbird]

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Case closed.

[bigbirdbird]

A man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket. Bartender says, "Nice mouse!" The man says, "No ordinary mouse though, this little feller talks!"

The Bartender says, "Oh yeah, what about?"

The man says, "See that woman at the end of the bar? The mouse will tell me what color panties she has on."

Bartender says, "Really? This I gotta see."

The man points to woman says to mouse, "Mouse: woman!"

Mouse runs down sees woman's panties from the floor and comes back and says, "Pink."

"Wow, the bartender says. Will he do that for me?"

The man says, "Sure."

The bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says, "Mouse: woman!" Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartenders pocket shaking like a leaf.

The bartender says, "What's wrong with you?"

Mouse says, "I taught I taw a big puddy tat!"

[bigbirdbird]

Milk


A man and his wife were trying to have a baby, but after several months they still had no success. The man decided to go to the doctor to see what the problem was.

The doctor told him, "Maybe you have a low sperm count. I'll need to run a few tests, so take this cup. I'll need a semen sample."

The man took the cup, went to the restroom, and handled his business. Afterward, a lady walked into the office to find out if her baby (still in her womb) was healthy.

She started talking to the doctor about how excited she was to be having her first child.

While she was chatting, the man walked out of the restroom with his sample but saw the doctor with the lady, so he put the cup down on a table and started pacing back and forth.

The doctor noticed this and told the lady, "I'll have your test results in a moment. Please have a seat while I finish with this patient. We have coffee and donuts along with some magazines on the table over there."

The lady sat down, and the man walked over to the doctor and started talking about how he and his wife trying to conceive.

While the man and the doctor were talking, the lady interrupted and asked, "Excuse me, but the donuts are dry, and I don't drink coffee. Do you have any more buttermilk to go with them."

The doctor says, "Buttermilk? We never had any buttermilk here."

[bigbirdbird]

Agent


The agent of a beautiful actress discovered one day that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night. The agent, who had long lusted after her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on, and how much he wanted to make it with her.

She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay her the same $100 that the other customers did.

He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's 10% as a deduction?"

"No, siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it just like the other Johns."

The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed.

That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local nightclub. The agent did her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.

At 1 a.m., she was awakened again. And again, she was vigorously done. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was made love to again. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.

"My goodness," she whispered in the dark, "you are so virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."

"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door selling tickets."

[bigbirdbird]

Luigi and Virginia

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to this friends.

Giovanni said, “Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?”

Luigi said, “Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down.”

“Whata you mean, Luigi?” asked Giovanni.

“Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia , she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough at da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket .

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, ‘no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car….’

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, ‘No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.’ So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, ‘No a smokina disa car. Musta go to a smokina car ..’

“We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boombada boombada, and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice, ‘Nofolka Virginia ! Nofolka Virginia !’

“Nexta time, I’ma just gonna taka da bus.”

[bigbirdbird]

Why am I Divorced?


Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, he barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...... well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfasts and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my handsome Boss Rick, said, 'Good Morning, lady,
and by the way, Happy Birthday! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Rick knocked on my door
and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me....'

I said, 'Thanks, Rick, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch.

But we didn't go where we normally would go.

He chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Rick said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day...
we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

He said, 'Let's drop by my place, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at his house, Rick turned to me and said, ‘If you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

He went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,
he came out carrying a huge birthday cake .... followed by my husband my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch......

Naked.

[bigbirdbird]

Abdominal Pains


A woman has pains in her lower abdomen so she goes to the gynecologist for a check-up.

"Let me have a look," he says, and she immediately disrobes and climbs on the table. "Hmm...it's quite obvious...you aren't having enough sex, but I think I can help you."

He drops his trousers on the spot and gives her a good workout.

"Now go into the next room and my colleague will give you a second opinion."

As it turns out, the colleague comes up with the same diagnosis, so he gives her a good shagging as well, and sends her into the next room for yet another examination.

The third diagnosis is, "No question. You are having too much sex!"

"But your colleagues said I wasn't having enough sex!"

"Oh," says the doctor, "you shouldn't listen to what those maintenance men say...."

[bigbirdbird]

February 20, a Special Day for Men



Every Feb 14th men get the chance to display their love and affection for the woman in their life, but secretly guys feel left out, as there's no special holiday for the Ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life.

Now there is.

March 20th is now officially “Steak, Blowjob, and Shut the Fuck up Day”.

It's a simple, effective, and self-explanatory holiday .

There are no cards.

There are no flowers.

There are no special nights on the Town.

Just a steak, a blowjob, and a day where women shut the fuck up.

The word is already spreading but like any new idea, it needs a little push to get the ball rolling.

So spread the word, though it might raise a few female hackles!!

[bigbirdbird]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in
despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun
down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is
drink.Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine, Vodka and beer. We drink till
we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over
the world and smoke our lungs out"

"Wow," the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Poker, blackjack, roulette,
slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You
into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a spliff the size of a submarine. You
can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who >cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I
never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No" said the man why?

"Ooooh , Fridays could be a problem !"

[dingdong11]

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

[dingdong11]

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

[dingdong11]

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

[dingdong11]

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog. They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic. The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the dog. A passerby saw all the events happening and was shocked. He approached the blind man and asked how he could possibly reward the dog for such a nasty deed. The blind man replied "Oh I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find his head so I can kick his fuckin' ass."