Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[User_Names]

Holidays around the precinct are always lively, especially in the 911 areas.
One particular night, a drunk calls in, and the following communication began:
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer, I've been robbed!"
"Can you be more specific sir?"
"Osifer, someone stole my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Could you please repeat that sir?" By now there's a crowd gathering around the dispatcher's chair.
"Yes, shur. Someone stole my gas pedal, my brake pedal and my steering wheel."
"Sir, what is your location?"
"I'm in my car."
"Sir, could you explain to me exactly where your car is located?"
"Yes, shur. I'm on Baker Street. Uh, 488 Baker!"
"Alright, sir, we'll send officers out to investigate it. Try to stay calm."
The phone call ends at this point but not five minutes later another call comes in.
"911, what is your emergency?"
"Osifer?"
"Yes, what is your emergency please?"
"Osifer, this is me again. I just found my steering wheel, my gas pedal and my brake pedal."
"Okay, sir. Are you still needing assistance?"
"No, shur, I was just in the back seat."

[User_Names]

Speed Trap
A Police officer had been told by his sergeant that he was to bring up his quota of speeding fines, he decided to park and use his radar gun flashing the cars as they drove by on a busy street.
Well one hour went by then two and no one was speeding. After about six hours a lone car came speeding by at well over the limit, the officer turned on his lights and siren and pulled the car over. As the officer approached the drivers window he remarked "I've been waiting for you all day" and the driver replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could"

[bigbirdbird]

On Valentines Day, Paul is walking to his girl's house and passes a florist shop.

On a whim he buys a big bunch of flowers for her.

When he gets to her house he holds the flowers out to her.

Instead to taking them she slides her panties off from under her skirt, lays back on the couch, spreads her legs and says "This is for the flowers."

Paul looks at her and says " Oh come now, surely you have a vase around here somewhere."

[bigbirdbird]

One day, a class of third graders from the city was taking a field trip to the country to visit a small farm. The kids were amazed to see all the different kinds of animals on the farm. So the farmer asks one little girl, "What's the difference between a rooster and a hen?"

"The hen lays eggs." replied the little girl. "Very good!" said the farmer. Then the farmer asked another little girl, "What's the difference between a duck and a turkey?"

"Well," replied the little girl. "Turkeys can't swim and turkeys are what we have on Thanksgiving Day."

"Very good!" exclaimed the farmer. Then he asks little Johnny, "Do you know the difference between a bull and a cow?"

"Yes, I do" replied little Johnny from the city. "Bulls smile when you milk them."

[bigbirdbird]

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

[bigbirdbird]

I have a friend who always carries around several condoms with him, especially when travelling to sites of religious significance.

When asked about the tradition, he explained that he simply pulls out the condoms when at the site, and rubs them against the artifact of faith.

Said perpetrator has made contact between holy items and rubbers in several major Judeo-Christian sites.

When asked why he kept up this tradition, he simply explained, "Well, that way I can really tell a girl that I'll fuck the hell out of her."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny and Suzy have nothing to do one day while in the house playing. All of a sudden, Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That is way too scary."

"No, it is not," says Johnny, "it will be fun!" He proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth with a beautiful big marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the marble ball at the bottom. "That was great," he says. "Come on, you try now."

Suzy still is not quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "It looks too scary."

"No, it is not," said Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs on and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. He jumps off just before the marble ball at the bottom. "You gotta try this, it is the best!" urges Johnny. Well, little Suzy is not one to stay scared for very long and this really does look like fun, so she agrees. To the top of the stairs she goes. She straddles the banister rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. WHAM! Right into the marble ball at the bottom.

Little Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail. When Johnny sees her so upset, crying ever harder and holding her groin where she collided with the marble ball, he gets a little scared that maybe she has really hurt herself.

"Maybe you had better let me see," suggests Little Johnny. So Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties. Little Johnny's face goes pale white. "OH, NO!" he shouts. "This is horrible! You knocked it right off!"

[bigbirdbird]

With the circus in town, a local man is very excited to see the magic show and rushes down to the big-top. He reaches the gates just as the circus is closing for the day but manages to buy a ticket and hurriedly runs into the tent. "Where's the magic show?", he breathlessly asks one employee.

The lady replies that she just saw the magician in the back packing up his bags for the day and without wasting a minute, the man rushes back to see the show. He races into the room only to find the magician ready to leave.

"I'm here for the magic show", the guy tells the magician.

"Sorry pal, come back tomorrow I'm going home." replies The Amazing Jonas.

"Look", says the man, "I just paid good money to come in and see a magic show and that's what I expect!"

Visually annoyed, the magician tells him, "Buddy, I've been here all day and I'd like to go home and see my wife and kids."

With that, the customer becomes more irate and DEMANDS that he be shown at least one magic trick.

"Okay, you want to see a magic trick?!", Jonas asks. "Pull down your pants."

The man looks skeptical but does as he's told.

"Now bend over and grab your ankles." As he does Jonas walks behind him and the man flinches. "There," asks the magician. "Can you feel my finger in your ass?"

The man winces and replies, "Yeah."

The magician holds both of his hands over the guy's back, wiggles his fingers in front of his face and shouts, "Ta-Dah."

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny runs into the living room one day and says, "Mom, why has Granny got a shrimp between her legs?"

"Don't be silly; Granny hasn't got a shrimp between her legs!" his mother replies.

But Little Johnny is insistent "She has, she has!" he shouts.

With this his mother grabs Little Johnny by the hand and says, "Ok, I have had enough of your foolishness. Show me!"

Little Johnny drags his mother into grandma's room where, being a very hot evening, Granny is fast asleep on top of her bed with no clothes on.

Little Johnny drags his mother to the end of the bed and points between Granny's legs. "Look I told you so" he says. "See the little shrimp!"

His mother calmly decides she had better explain. "OK, Johnny, I know it looks a bit like a little shrimp but it's called a clitoris."

"That's funny" retorts Little Johnny "It tastes like shrimp..."

[orbegood]

Build an Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark. " Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his block's void deck, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark? " asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the HDB's code and I had to change them. Then the Town Council said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark downstairs
of the HDB block,so I had to get a variance.. "The N-Parks required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by AVA when I tried to gather up the animals. "The PUB required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the LTA wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRAS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the ICA said I wasn't hiring enough PRCs "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years. " Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth? " "Right," said the Lord. "The PAP already has. "

[lynnlammy]

Hahaha... I like this thread! Keep coming!~ ^^

[Shadow_warrior]

It's a guy thing ...

The human body has 7 trillion nerves ... my wife manages to get on every fucking one of them.
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I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant ... It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex.
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My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
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I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny”
————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
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A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video ..."
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Life is like a penis ... Soft and hanging freely ... It’s women that make it hard.
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I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That spider never knew what fucking hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

[Shadow_warrior]

Sex Philosophy

* If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

* Opinion is like an ass hole, everyone has one.

* A mistress lies between a mister and a mattress.

* Chess players check-mate better.

* Excuses are like asses: everyone has em and they all stink.

* Squirrel who runs up woman's leg does not find nuts.

* Sex is the price women have to pay for marriage.

* Marriage is the price men have to pay for sex.

* Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".

* If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.

* I love you in blue.. I love you in red but most of all, I love you in bed.

* Prostitution is a hole sale business.

* A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

* What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

* Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

* Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it stand up straight.

* I'm not attracted by a girl's mind .... But by what she doesn't mind.

* Guns don't kill people... Husbands who come home early, kill people.

* Getting married is like getting into a bath tub. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.

[bigbirdbird]

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members.

First one, then the next would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.

Then Bill said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."

There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Bill, you're kidding right?"

"Not at all, four inches." He said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."

We all sat in embarrassed silence until Bill continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide."

[bigbirdbird]

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference Between a pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me."

He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where She was sleeping nude.

"Son" he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy".

The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up".