Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[baconly]

please delete

[bigbirdbird]

Bar Translations: What they really mean...

"No, really, I'm OK to drive." -- I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

"I'm not used to these darts." -- I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

"Let's go out to my car and get some cigarettes." (male to female) -- You would look great face down in my lap.

"You get this one, next round is on me." -- We won't be here long enough to get another round.

"I'll get this one, next one is on you." -- Happy hour is about to end....now beers are 2 pounds, but by the next round they'll be 4 pounds a pop.

"I haven't seen you around here for a long time." -- You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?" -- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

"Let's get out of here." -- I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (female) -- I'm easy.

"Can I get a glass of white sweet wine." (male) -- I'm gay.

"Ever try a body shot?" (male to female) -- I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

"Ever try a body shot?" (female to male) -- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (female) -- You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (male) -- I'm horny.

"I've had like 10 beers already." -- I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

"Who's got the next round?" -- I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

"Excuse me." (male to male) -- Get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse me." (male to female) -- I am going to grope you now.

"Excuse me." (female to male) -- Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

"Excuse Me." (female to female). -- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

"I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." -- I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 pounds and have been avoiding him since football season.

"What do you have on tap?" -- What's cheap?

"You go ahead, I'll catch a cab." -- I already lined up a ride home with your "ex".

"That person looks really familiar." -- Did I sleep with him/her?

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (female) -- I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

"Can I just get a glass of water?" (male) -- It's 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paypack in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

"Do you have any Wild Turkey?" -- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

"I don't have my ID on me." (female) -- I'm 19.

[bigbirdbird]

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

[bigbirdbird]

At the cinema a man noticed a young woman sitting all by herself. He was excited to see she had both hands under her skirt and was playing herself furiously.

He moved to the next seat to her and offered his help.

She welcomed his help, and so the man started playing her like crazy.

When he tired and withdrew his hand, he was surprised to see her go back to work on herself with both hands.

Wasn't I good enough?" he asked sheepishly.

"Great," she said, "but these crabs are still itching!"

[bigbirdbird]

One evening, Prince Charming walked into a tavern appearing downtrodden.

Immediately, the bartender turned to Prince Charming and asked him why he's so glum.

"You wouldn't believe it," the Prince replied. "I was walking through the Enchanted Forest when suddenly I approached Snow White, fast asleep on a bed of stone. The dwarf next to her told me that she had eaten a poisonous apple and could only be revived through a kiss from my very lips.

I gave her a peck on the cheek. Nothing. So I give Snow White a real deep kiss while massaging her hair with my fingers. Nothing. Soon enough, I'm making passionate love to her right there in the woods, when suddenly she screams out, 'Ah yes'!"

"That's great!" the bartender excitedly replied to Prince Charming.

"Then she is alive!"

Shrugging his shoulders Prince Charming replied, "Nah. She faked it."

[bigbirdbird]

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.

After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."

"How does it work?" asked the businessman.

The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.

"Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!"

He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my p***y."

The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.

The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

[bigbirdbird]

Blowjob Etiquette

(By A Female)

1. First and foremost we are not obliged to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you do get one be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw but it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No I don't have to swallow.

5. My ears are not handles

6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally I don't want to puke on your prick.

7. I don't care how relaxed you are it's NEVER ok to fart.

8. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I have ruined it for you

9. No it doesn't particularly taste good and I don't care about the protein count.

10. No I will not do it while you watch t.v.


Blow Jobs - A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes, you are obligated to do it. If you don't, we'll find someone younger and prettier who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, putting something in your mouth is the only way to stop your bitching and moaning.

6. Speaking of which, if you're bleeding for five straight days, you need all of the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you we get the shit end of stick in the "flavor" category.

8. At least there's no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth. (Well, unless you bite it really hard.)

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We LIKE that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines, hon. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old and fat, and are looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now do you?

[bigbirdbird]

A man went to a French restaurant. The menu was in French and he spoke no French.

When the waiter asked his choice, he told the waiter to bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The man had a truly fantastic meal.

The waiter asked if the man wanted dessert.

He responded that the waiter should bring out the restaurant's specialty.

The waiter that it was the peach poosay, and he would order it for him.

A short time later, a waitress came out with a covered silver platter.

She took the cover off and there was a peach that had been quartered and pitted.

The waitress proceeded to raise her skirt and take a piece of the peach and push it in and out of her vagina!

She then picked up the rest of the pieces and did the same thing with them.

The man called the waiter over an asked, "Am I actually expected to eat the peach after that?"

The waiter responded, "Why, no, Monsieur. You eat the poosay."

[come2see]

Ho Chai calls in to work and says :

"Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chai, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chai calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...

You got nice house."

To all bosses, please be aware of your choices of words to employees.

[bigbirdbird]

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms.

He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

[bigbirdbird]

Bumper Stickers

*Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS?

*If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

*100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?

*Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

*Jesus is coming! Look busy!

*You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT.

*Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

*Forget World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

*My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

*Grow your own dope, plant a man.

*All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

*Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

*I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

*WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

*So you're a feminist... Isn't that precious.

*All men are idiots....I married their king.

*The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

*IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

*Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

*Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

*Out of my mind... Back in five minutes.

*Hang up and drive.

*Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

*Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

*It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

*Don't drink and drive... You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

*Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

*Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

*Honk If You Want To See My Finger.

[bigbirdbird]

Bumper Sticker Suggestions


1. Constipated people don't give a shit.

2. Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.

3. If you drink don't park, accidents cause people.

4. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

5. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

6. Please tell your pants its not polite to point.

7. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive a little better.

8. My kid got your honour roll student pregnant.

9. Thank you for pot smoking.

10. To all you virgins thanks for nothing.

11. If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counselling.

12. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.

14. Horn broken...watch for finger.

15. It's not how you pick your nose, but where you put the booger.

16. If you're not a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

[bigbirdbird]

"When I realized that I couldn't satisfy my wife's insatiable sex appetite," the man said to his drinking buddy, "I bought her quite an assortment of every sex toy made, thinking that would keep her faithful."

"Did it work ?" asked the friend.

"Well, kinda..." the man replied. "But now, every time I do feel like a little, I find myself 3rd or 4th in line."

[bigbirdbird]

Q: How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey.

Q: What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
A: S&M&M.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q: Did you hear about the 150 lb. man who had 75 lb. testicles?
A: He was half nuts!!!

Q: What do you call a blonde grabbing at air?
A: Collecting her thoughts.

Q: What do women and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both squirm when you eat them.

Q: What's 69 and 69?
A: Dinner for four.

Q: What's worse than being raped by Jack the Ripper?
A: Being fingered by Captain Hook.

Q: How can you tell a macho woman?
A: She rolls her own tampons.

Q: How do you recycle a used tampon?
A: As a tea-bag for vampires.

Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Q: What's better than a rose on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.

Q: How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid?
A: When you open her legs the lights go on.

Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo bees.

Q: Hear about the bargain hunter who got his vasectomy at Sears?
A: Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.

Q: What's hard and straight going in, soft and sticky coming out?
A: Chewing gum.

Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.

Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.

Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.

Q: Do you know why it's called sex?
A: Because it's easier to spell than... "Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!!"

Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A tea bag.

Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

[bigbirdbird]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week.

When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.

The theme: Viagra Advertising slogans. The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.

About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 list. With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!

The top 10 were:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.
8. Viagra, like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
3. Viagra, Home of the whopper
2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!
And the unanimous number one slogan
1.This is your $$$$$$... This is your $$$$$$ on drugs