Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

~ How To Shower Like a WOMAN ~

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegy off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

[bigbirdbird]

~ How To Shower Like a MAN ~

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile on the floor.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your weiner in the mirror, scratch yourself and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a wash cloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face

7. Wash your armpits

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hang out of the tub the whole time.

15. Partially dry off.

16. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.

17. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

18. Leave bathroom and fan light on.

19. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

20. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

[bigbirdbird]

MEN'S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING


Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you're thinking: "Oh, I can't resist: I'm powerless before your seductive ways!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Garlic breath--ewwww!"


Undressing

What he hopes you're thinking: "My God, look at the SIZE of that!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "My God, look at the size of that!"


Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you're thinking: "I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "If he doesn't warn me before he cums, I'm going to kill him."


Penetration

What he hopes you're thinking: "You stallion, you're splitting me in half!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Is it in yet?"


Your Orgasm

What he hopes you're thinking: "Yes, (his name here), yes!"

What he's afraid you're thinking: "I deserve an Academy Award for this performance."

What he's even more afraid you're thinking: "Yes, (other guy's name here), yes!"


Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you're thinking: "Now I know what an earthquake feels like."

What he's afraid you're thinking: "Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all."

[bigbirdbird]

Q: What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
A: You know she'll swallow.


Q: Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A: They don't want to wear out the camel.

Q: What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Hell's Angel with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Some one who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning and tells YOU to Fuck off!

Q: Do you know why women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay.

Q: What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children.
What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golfball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golfball.

Q: Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
A: She knows she's given her last blow job.

Q: What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?
A: Cough, gag, choke, etc.

Q: What did one gay sperm say to another?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. The hard part is getting them in the lightbulb.

Q: What's the definition of Trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blow job.

Q: How do you find a blonde in long grass?
A: Pleasing!

Q: What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A: Bingo!

Q: How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is bedtime?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

[bigbirdbird]

There's a farmer and his wife about to make love.

They're naked facing each other.

The farmer grabs his wifes breast's and say's,

"You know honey, if these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows."

The wife says. "That's Right."

The farmer then grabs his wifes's butt and say's,

"You know, if these could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

The wife says, "You're Right."

The wife then grabs her husband's dick and say's,

"You know, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother!".

[bigbirdbird]

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr.Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny came into the bathroom while
His mother was taking a shower.


He asked, "Mommy what's that
between your legs?"


She told him that was her squirrel.


Later that day he was in the bathroom again while
Grandma was taking a shower and he asked,

"Grandma what's that between your legs?"
She replied, "That's my squirrel."


Then little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too,
But hers is not as gray as yours."


Grandma replied,
"Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked
as many nuts as mine has!"

[bigbirdbird]

Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Should I really shave my balls?
If I don't, she'll surely bitch,
Does she care how much I'll itch?

Take the razor and lather up,
(Gawd that bitch is so corrupt)
Don't she care that I could slip?
Shave my balls - and cut off my dick?

Easy now - hands don't shake,
She'll call me "Stumpy" with one mistake.
Pubes in her teeth she really can't bear,
If I want some head - get ridda the hair.

So I shave my balls all nice and slick,
Did it up nice - without one nick!
"Feel 'em baby - they're so smooth!"
"Take off your clothes - get in the groove!"

She looks at me from our little bed,
"I'm sleepy, Baby - ain't givin' no head!"
She rolls on over - and gives me her back,
I'm so pissed off - I'm about to crack!

Next day it's breakfast in the sheets,
I spoon her bites which she gladly eats.
And I must confess I think it's fair,
That her omelet was made with pubic hair!

[bigbirdbird]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus....

An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

An old friend who once saved your life.

The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.




This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

- You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.

- Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

- However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:


"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.

I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.."


Sometimes,we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

HOWEVER, the correct answer is - ta da:


To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

[constructor]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sat in his office and watched them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr.Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

Hehe this is a good one!!

[ColaJack]

Very good jokes, thanks bro bigbirdbird !!!

[1289]

Thanks for sharing bro

[heychamp]

Laughter the best medicine.

[bigbirdbird]

One of two gays who were living together fell in love with the handsome young doctor across the street.

"I'd just love to meet him," said one gay to his roommate, "if you have no objections. But I don't know how to go about it."

"I don't mind, sweets. Have your fling. Just pose as one of his patients."

So the first one went to the doctor's office the next day and said his name was Smith.

"What's your problem, Mr Smith?" the doctor asked.

"Oh, Doctor, I have such a terrible pain in my rectum."

"Let's have a look," said the doctor. "Take off your trousers."

The doctor parted his cheeks and looked up inside with a flashlight.

"Holy smoke!" the doctor exclaimed. "No wonder you have pains. Do you realise that you have one dozen roses up in there?"

"Never mind the roses," the patient said. "Just read the card!"

[bigbirdbird]

One day, Tony died.

When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away.

He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 250 pound, hopelessly stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it.

Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven.

So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.

As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead.

Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with.

When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money... even more then you did."

They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.

Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel/centrefold.

Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon.

They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.

Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining.

This has been absolutely the best time, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to.

There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand.

After every time we have sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Fucking income taxes!"