Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.

Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.

After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!"
and this was echoed down the stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse," "blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse,"
etc.

Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt,"
"skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.

Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.

Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.

Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!"

And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."

[bigbirdbird]

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first.

"Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

[bigbirdbird]

One day suddenly the husband has an heart attack. He says before dying, "When I die, dear, cut off my penis and attach to the wall of our bedroom. When you feel like having sex start pumping on it."

He dies and his wife does exactly what he said.

Three of her neighbours come to know about this. They plan to make a hole in the wall and insert their penis from backside.

The first man tries it. As usual the woman starts sucking and pumping on it.

The second man tries it and the same thing happens.

When the third man tries it the woman comes, cuts the penis from the wall with a knife and says, "come on darling we are shifting to another house."

[bigbirdbird]

One day at lunch several guys were engaged in a little friendly bragging about their sexual prowess and the dimensions of their members.

First one, then the next would add his own exaggerations until the whole thing became quite ridiculous.

Then Bill said matter of factly "mine's about four inches."

There was stunned silence before one of the guys said, "Bill, you're kidding right?"

"Not at all, four inches." He said, with perfect sincerity. "You know, some women like it."

We all sat in embarrassed silence until Bill continued, "Of course, others complain it's just too wide."

[bigbirdbird]

One day a boy asks his dad, "What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"

Dad thought for a minute and said "Come with me."

He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she was sleeping nude.

"Son" he whispered, "see that brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy".

The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and Furry it is?"

"No!" replied his father. "That might wake the cunt up".

[bigbirdbird]

Osama Bin Laden was killed. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama Bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, Ican handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

[bigbirdbird]

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people's attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman's mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope - while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing - that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite "substitute";.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the... horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum - and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, "You didn't warn me you had such a small organ."

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, "You didn't warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral."

[Dolfin]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Osama Bin Laden was killed. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.


"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama Bin Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," said Osama bin Laden, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Osama Bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama Bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Osama bin Laden took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, Ican handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK Monica, you're free to go."

Hahaha this is funny!!

[Wakuwaki]

Very nice jokes, thanks TS

[bigbirdbird]

Rhyming Sex Terms

WANKY PANKY - fooling around, naughtier than hanky panky


THRUSTER BUSTER - a sudden noise that interrupts the act of sex, especially a doorbell, the sound of a spouse's car in the driveway, or the shrill voice of an unexpected parent


RUBBER FLUBBER - sudden realization that the condom has broken


BOOBIE LUBEY - stimulation of a female's breasts to arouse sexual interest


DICKIE LICKIE - oral stimulation of the male's private parts


TUSHIE PUSHIE - doggie-style sexual intercourse


PECKER WRECKER - oral sex given to a man by a female wearing braces on her teeth


FUCKIE SUCKIE - oral sex and sexual intercourse both


STINKIE PINKIE - the result of sexual stimulation of the female's private parts by the male's hands


HUMMER CUMMER - I think you can figure out this one all by yourself!

[bigbirdbird]

1) Expensive Pussy: Most pussy falls into this definition. Expensive Pussy can be recognized by the following - fur coats, $500 dresses, spandex, bright colored shorts, and shirts with greek letters on them. 98% of good pussy falls into this category.

Advantages: If you can afford it, it will be great. Disadvantages: Many, mostly in the form of checking account depletion.

Often not worth it.

2) Cheap Pussy: Very rare. Usually comes in the form of a girlfriend of yours who will not go away no matter what you do. Cheap Pussy can be recognized by the following - she will often pay for dinner, understands when you are broke, calls every day, wants it constantly, easily hurt, but shakes it off.

Advantages: Inexpensive, guaranteed, loving, will try anything once and sometimes twice. You're lucky if you find this.

Disadvantages: Won't go away, possessive, bugs you all the time, can keep you from the tasks of finding other pussy, will eventually want to get married and/or have children soon thus ruining it.

Often not worth it.

3) Hired Pussy: Found in the Hollywood area of Southern Cal and in every other large city in the US and abroad. Recognized by scanty clothes and come-hither looks. Expense varies greatly with the quality. The difference between Hired Pussy and Expensive Pussy is that the money is up-front.

Advantages: You don't have to stick around, won't tell your girlfriend, doesn't care who you are or what you look like, often very experienced, usually cheaper than Expensive Pussy.

Disadvantages: More expensive than Cheap Pussy in the long run, risk of disease is high, is illegal in most areas and the risk of jail time is high.

Often not worth it.

4) Virgin Pussy: This type is getting rarer each day. Recognized by conservative clothes, good manners, and a marked distaste for dirty jokes and porno movies. Can be very loving if you promise marriage, but will cause you more problems as you go along. Frustration level is high as Virgin Pussy tends to want to stay that way for some unknown reason.

Advantages: Risk of disease is very low, will offer a very tight "fit" if it gives in, sometimes open to new experience, will often offer "other" services if Virginity is to be maintained.

Disadvantages: Usually will not give in until marriage, will cause discomfort upon use, not very imaginative, not usually into using birth control which can cause "accidents", can only be used once.

Usually not worth it unless you're into that sort of thing.

5) Nympho Pussy: Very rare. Recognized by the tendency to drag you by your balls into bed and going at it to the point of exhaustion Very experienced, will teach you things you never knew. Expense varies depending on level of Nymphomania.

Advantages: Will send you into la-la land, will try anything once.

Disadvantages: You are probably not the only one, thus disease risk can be high, will tire you out and ask for more, can be unstable, will not give a steady relationship.

Often not worth it.

6) Frigid Pussy: Less rare. See (4) for recognition. Difference is that this Pussy will not yield no matter what. Any expense involved is simply wasted (unless you are into real frustration).

Advantages: There are no advantages.

Disadvantages: Too many to list here. Best to stay away once recognized.

Never worth it.

7) Innocent Nympho Pussy: Rare. Recognized by being in a small, sweet, innocent package which you would never in a million years think would give in, but when it does, you are in for a hell of a surprise. Often mistaken for (4). Expense varies, but usually falls into the cheaper category.

Advantages: The surprise is blissful. Always worth it. Keep it if you can.

Disadvantages: If (4) is mistaken for (7), serious consequences may result. May or may not be faithful.

8) Party Pussy: Found at bars and at parties. Recognized by glass of wine in hand and bloodshot eyes. Will engage in group festivities while completely ripped. Expense usually covers drinks. Make sure you are not ripped as to better enjoy the experience.

Advantages: Easy to obtain unless you are real unlucky. Be sure to say the right things.

Disadvantages: Disease risk is high, will not usually remain faithful, the Support System may tend to puke all over you.

Often not worth it.

9) Nutsy Pussy: Support System has psychological problems. Recognized by the fact that she will go out with you, then spill her problems on you. May tend to kill you while you sleep. Gives in for no apparent reason.. Usually found as a quiet co-worker.

Advantages: Easy.

Disadvantages: Never really worth it

[bigbirdbird]

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snowdunes one day when the polar bear fell down a chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.

Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrarri. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.

After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.

Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!

The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrarri.

[bigbirdbird]

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills,

They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.

He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby.

About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.

The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter.

He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath. The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end off."

[Cuntroller]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A polar bear and a penguin were walking along the snowdunes one day when the polar bear fell down a chasm. Try as he might, the poor polar bear couldn't get out.The penguin did everything he could think of, but he couldn't rescue his friend.

Then a thought struck him! He said, "Hold on for a few minutes, I'll be right back!" He then ran off and returned in a few minutes driving his red Ferrarri. He backed it up to the edge of the chasm and tied a rope to the end. With his friend holding on to the rope, he was able to pull him out to safety.

After the polar bear thanked the penguin for saving his life, they continued on their walk. Later on that very same day, the penguin fell into a similar chasm. Now, as everyone knows, polar bears can't drive. So it looked bad for the penguin.

Then the polar bear had an idea! He allowed his penis to swing down into the chasm, all the way to the bottom. The penguin gladly used it to climb his way to the top!

The moral of this story is: If you have a big enough penis, you don't need a Ferrarri.

This is hilarious!!!
Thanks bro

[TwinTowers]

good jokes all around .