Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father was the principal, his mother was the vice principal, and his sister was an administrator. He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you.

So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny,I will not lay on the table".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you".

Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.

So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her.

All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER"

So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".

[bigbirdbird]

There was a schoolteacher in the little old school which was teaching sex ed.

The class was comprised of only 8 students, due to the size of the school.

One of the little girls there asked, "According to the Bible, it says that Adam came first, then Eve.

The teacher replied, "Yes, dear, that is true, according to the Word Of God."

The girl responded, "Daddy always told me it is Ladies before Gentlemen.

Didn't that rule apply during the Creation time?"

Our teacher gets a smile on her face... she said, "Dearie, Adam came first -- trust me! And every man since him came first, too!"

[bigbirdbird]

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right. What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right. What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

[Zlack89]

Very good jokes! Thanks

[Casemiro]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There was a zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on in age so the zookeeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi, I'm a zebra! What are you?"

"I'm a cow."

"Right, right. What do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I'm a chicken."

"Oh, right. What do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?"

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your fancy pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Hahahaha fancy pajamas!!

[KTVbuddy]

Any more jokes?

[areit]

Camping for more jokes

[bigbirdbird]

Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House

Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.

Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.

Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.

Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.

Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.

Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.

Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.

Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.

Pretend to eat your arm.

Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.

[bigbirdbird]

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter all in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man taking a morning swim.

When he got to shore and stood up the explorer couldn't help but notice the size of his penis.

The young man had the longest, thickest penis he had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night and neither of them had a date for it.

So one day, the girl approaches her brother and says, "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says, "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?" Her brother nods.

She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening he will take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his sister talked him into taking her.

Then, while he's standing at the punch bowl, his sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance. "

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, sis, this is the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh . . . all right. "

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the country, she looks over at him again and says, "Want to find some place to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us, how long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him again.

"Hey . . . " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm not going to kiss you, you're my sister! "And he reached for the ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what?" said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my. . . " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

[bigbirdbird]

There once was a man who lived in New York whose name was Joe. He had learned a trade from his father years ago, and he still practiced it, even in modern times. His father taught him all of the in's and out's of how to suck a boil clean of all it's nasty puss and other ingredients, and he prospered at this occupation, advertising in the Yellow Pages, getting referal business, andword of mouth (Yuck!) advertising.

One day, Joe received a call from a woman who had heard of his talents. She told Joe that she had a rather large boil that was festered, and needed it taken care of. Joe assured her that it would be no problem, his standard fee was $50.00, and the deal seemed to be firm. The woman gave directions to her house and set up a time for Joe to perform his work.

Upon arriving at the woman's house, he immediately started to work. He told the woman to expose the boil, and he would take care of it post haste.At this point, the woman told Joe that the boil was in extremely sensitive area of her body, about 1/4 inch below her vagina. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be another $20.00". She agreed, and then told Joe that there was another problem: She was in the middle of the heaviest part of her period. Joe told her, "No problem, that will be an additional $30.00".

Again, she agreed, so Joe started to practice his trade.

After about 10 minutes into sucking the boil dry, the woman couldn't help herself, and cut a tremendous fart. Joe, his mouth dripping with puss, pulled away from his task and asked "What are you doing, trying to make me sick?"

[bigbirdbird]

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"

[BK4ever]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There was a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis sitting around talking about how their lives sucked.

The cucumber says "Man, my life sucks. When I get big, fat, and juicy, they cut me up and stick me on a salad."

The pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick me in vinegar, put spices on me, and stick me in a jar."

The penis looks at him and says, "You think you have it rough? When I get big, fat, and juicy, they stick a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against the wall until I throw up all over myself and pass out!"

This is damn funny!!!!

[Ahdais]

Originally Posted by BK4ever

This is damn funny!!!!

Yes agree lol

[bigbirdbird]

Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?

A. He heard the snow blower coming.

--------------------


Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend, BiLLy


Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
Santa



Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace, love, and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah


Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot before they had you, didn't they?
Santa




Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy


Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.
Santa





Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis


Dear Francis,
Nice name Francis. Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan


Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favour? Leave me a bottle of your Dad's scotch.
Santa



Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?Your friend,
Thomas


Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we are awake like in the song?
Love,
Jessica


Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? You must be a blonde. Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy


Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky


Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams,
Santa