Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

The young hooker reports for her first day at the brothel.

The madam says to her, " Do you have any questions?"

The hooker replies, " Yes, I was wondering how long penises should be sucked?"

The madam says," The same as the short ones".


**********

The young novice nun soon realized that the absence of sex in the convent was a problem.

She confessed to Mother Superior that it was unhealthy and she was restless.

"Comfort yourself with a candle," she was advised.

"I've tried that," she said, "But you get tired of the same thing wick in and wick out."

[bigbirdbird]

Big Tits vs. Little Tits

Women with Big Tits...

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have men give them the best seats on a bus.
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the center of the arts (art)
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..have more negotiating power (with men shorter than them)
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..can always carry a little extra cash
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner
..never have to buy a car with airbags
..have a place to carry a extra beer

Women with Little Tits...

..don't cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their T-shirts
..know that everything more than a handful is wasted
..can come late to a theater and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out
..never be accused of having implants.

[bigbirdbird]

The local vicar is having a bath, and he's a little bored, so he decides to, 'pleasure' himself. He's quite happily tugging away, reaches the old moment of bliss, and opens his eyes only to see, at the window, the window cleaner, jaw agape at what he's just seen.

A couple of minutes later, the doorbell rings - it's the window cleaner.

The vicar is understandably embarrassed, and asks the man how much he owes him.

"50 quid" comes the reply.

"50 quid?!?" says the vicar, startled.

"Yep, fifty quid or I tell the whole parish about what I saw, you perv."

So the vicar hands over the cash, and the cleaner gets on his way. The following week, the bishop's round for his supper and is having a wander round the vicar's house, admiring his lovely home.

He says to the vicar, "Lovely clean windows you've got there vicar, who does them for you?"

"Oh, a guy from the village does them for me, he does a great job," replies the vicar.

"Oh, yeah. How much does he charge you, then?"

"Well," replies the vicar, "fifty quid, actually"

"Fifty quid? Blimey!" says the bishop. "He must have seen you coming."

[bigbirdbird]

WOMEN AND SEX

70% of women who smoke have had more than 4 lovers in the last year while 60% of female non-smokers had none.

Women who respond to sex surveys in mags like Cosmo may have 5 times as many lovers as typical women.

Women who read romance novels have sex twice as often as those who don't.

Women with a Ph.D. are twice as likely to be turned on by the thought of anonymous sex as women who never got a bachelor's degree.

Women who went to college are more likely to enjoy oral sex (giving and
receiving) than high school dropouts.

National birthrates rise and fall with the height of heels.

In a bar or nightclub, the hemlines and necklines of unaccompanied women rise and fall (respectively) during ovulation.

Women who have a positive attitude towards sex tend to be less achievement oriented.

White teenage girls who live with single mothers are 60% more likely to have sex before the age of 18 than those who live with both parents. The percentage is much lower for black girls.

Women who lost their virginity before their 18th birthday are likely to be twice as sexually active as women who don't.

Atheists, non-Christians and Jews are tend to be more sexually active than practicing Christians.

Women who have spent a night in jail are almost 50% more likely to have had more than 10 lovers in the past year than women with no criminal record.

Australian women are more likely to have sex on the first date.

Latino women have sex more often than either Blacks or Whites, who get down at roughly the same rate.

Black women are 50% more likely than White women to come every time they have sex.

White women, especially those with a college degree, are the most receptive to anal sex.

20% of women who live with their boyfriends have more than one sex partner.

So, you know what this means? Yup...all you guys have to go looking for: A 1/4 Aussie/1/4 Latino/1/4 Black/1/4 White Atheist with a Ph.D., wearing a low neckline and high heels during happy hour in a swanky bar, smokes, has a criminal record, reads Cosmo and Barbara Cartland, and who lived with her single mom! Shouldn't be too hard.

Happy hunting.

[bigbirdbird]

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.

Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse.

"I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.

Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

[bigbirdbird]

The world according to men

Every blowjob you give, adds one month to your life.

If you swallow, the protein ingested is equivalent to five porterhouse steaks - but contains only 150 calories.

A handjob a day keeps arthritis away.

Every ten minutes of dry humping is equivalent to ten minutes on the treadmill.

Doing it doggie-style will erase crow's feet and wrinkles.

Intercourse prevents divorce.

Regular screwing releases Vitamin F, which increases the number of brain cells.

Sex eliminates headaches.

Obeying the Eleventh Commandment, "Thou shalt make thy man hard", triples your chances of getting into heaven.

Inviting an attractive female friend into bed with you and your lover earns you a diamond choker for your birthday.

[Velomani]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker.

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive ERECTION she had ever seen.

Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse.

"I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left.

The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it.

Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"

"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

Hahaa nice one!!

[bigbirdbird]

A man called his doctor, and said "doc", you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her twat.

The doctor said," okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her vagina untl i get over there".

The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her twat instead of cheese. the doctor said,"what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese".

The man said,"I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up her snatch!

[bigbirdbird]

You may not know this but many inanimate objects have a gender...

Ziplock bags are Male -- they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers are Female -- once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tires are Male -- they go bald and are often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloons are Male -- to get them to go anywhere, you have

to light a fire under them, and of course, there's that hot air part.

Sponges are Female -- they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web pages are Female -- they're always getting hit on.

Subways are Male -- they use the same old lines to pick women up.

Hourglasses are Female -- over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammers are Male -- it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

Remote Controls are Female -- they give men pleasure, when men don't

have them, they always go out of their way to get them, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep trying!

[bigbirdbird]

At the retreat, Jane and Joe were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'

Jane wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, just like Joe and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.'

And Joe wrote: 'I love sex.'

[bigbirdbird]

Your honour, I am 86 years old.
So here I am, sitting there on porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sits beside me.

He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honour.

So I don't stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honour. Why, Your Honour, I haven't felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"

That's when he yelled, "April Fool!".

And that's when I shot the Son of a Bitch!

[bigbirdbird]

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.

They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"

The six-year-old says to his brother, "Then he must be fucking her up the ass!"

***************


Q. Why do blonde nurses carry a red Magic Marker?
A. In case they have to draw blood.

Q. Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
A. They have to pull their own pants down.

Q. What is the definition of Blood, Sweat and Tears?
A. A blonde standing in front of a tampon machine with a bent quarter

[bigbirdbird]

A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up pregnant.

Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret safe, possibly right up until the birth.

And so it did, and upon the evening when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.

After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the order, with no place for food or shelter.

Knowing that the Mother Superior was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn hours.

She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers.

At sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!

[MAS370]

Very good jokes bro! Thanks for sharing

[Tribecar]

Nice jokes bro bigbirdbird, thank you!!!