Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 577

bigbirdbird · #**8641** 15-05-2018, 09:33 PM

Shooting First

The new recruit asked why he had been summoned to the meeting.

The psychologist said, "Well, I was speaking with your wife the other day and she said that the pressure was starting to get to you and that you were talking about 'shooting first and asking questions later.' Do you think that kind of behavior is appropriate for a cop?"

The new recruit slapped his forehead and said, "of course not, it's all a big misunderstanding....as far as shooting first and asking questions later. You see...I have a problem with premature ejaculation and my wife always questions my timing."

bigbirdbird · #**8642** 15-05-2018, 09:34 PM

Wyoming Pharmacy

A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed, and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

justifywinner · #**8643** 17-05-2018, 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Wyoming Pharmacy

A handsome Cowboy walked into a drug store in Wyoming, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist, and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there.

She then asked if she could help him.

The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The cowboy then agreed, and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, “We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month in living expenses.”

Thanks for the nice joke bro!!

onemaysop · #**8644** 17-05-2018, 03:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Shooting First

The new recruit asked why he had been summoned to the meeting.

The psychologist said, "Well, I was speaking with your wife the other day and she said that the pressure was starting to get to you and that you were talking about 'shooting first and asking questions later.' Do you think that kind of behavior is appropriate for a cop?"

The new recruit slapped his forehead and said, "of course not, it's all a big misunderstanding....as far as shooting first and asking questions later. You see...I have a problem with premature ejaculation and my wife always questions my timing."

Nice joke bro, thanks!

water_boi · #**8645** 17-05-2018, 10:54 PM

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?

Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……

water_boi · #**8646** 17-05-2018, 10:56 PM

Doctor: Which soap do you use?

Patient: K. P. Namboodiri's soap.

Doctor: Toothpaste?

Patient: K. P. Namboodiri's toothpaste

Doctor: Shampoo?

Patient: - K. P. Namboodiri's shampoo.

Doctor: Is K.P. Namboodiri an international brand?

Patient: No. K. P. Namboodiri is my roommate !

justifywinner · #**8647** 18-05-2018, 11:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by water_boi

doctor: Which soap do you use?

Patient: K. P. Namboodiri's soap.

Doctor: Toothpaste?

Patient: K. P. Namboodiri's toothpaste

doctor: Shampoo?

Patient: - k. P. Namboodiri's shampoo.

Doctor: Is k.p. Namboodiri an international brand?

Patient: No. K. P. Namboodiri is my roommate !

lmfao

onemaysop · #**8648** 18-05-2018, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by water_boi

Doctor: Which soap do you use?

Patient: K. P. Namboodiri's soap.

Doctor: Toothpaste?

Patient: K. P. Namboodiri's toothpaste

Doctor: Shampoo?

Patient: - K. P. Namboodiri's shampoo.

Doctor: Is K.P. Namboodiri an international brand?

Patient: No. K. P. Namboodiri is my roommate !

rofl

water_boi · #**8649** 18-05-2018, 01:47 PM

Someone asked an old man:

“Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: I forgotten her name and I’m scared to ask her....................

water_boi · #**8650** 18-05-2018, 01:50 PM

A prospective husband-to-be was searching for a title and asked the sales assistant for help.

Husband-to-be: “Hi, do you have a book called, 'Husband – the Master of the House’?

Sales Girl: “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor”.................

water_boi · #**8651** 18-05-2018, 01:52 PM

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

water_boi · #**8652** 18-05-2018, 01:59 PM

A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear.

Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."

"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

35cents · #**8653** 19-05-2018, 12:01 AM

Another nice one bro!

Quote:

Originally Posted by water_boi

Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last one week, you are saying this “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?

Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you……

bigbirdbird · #**8654** 19-05-2018, 07:10 PM

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order, and saw that she was crying.

"What is wrong, miss? Are you ok?" he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, "My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn't it?"

The waiter talked with her a few moments, and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle, and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, "Make a wish and blow!"

She closed her eyes, and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her - they did not even know each others names - but hey, when you have got a hot blonde going down on you, are you really going to say, "No, do not do it?"

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, "Did you like it?"

He said, "Yes, of course, you do it great, but I am just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?"

She looked confused. "Well, I was just doing what you told me to."

Now he is confused. "What I told you to?"

Smiling, she says, "Don't tell me you forgot already. You said, 'Make a wish and blow!'"

bigbirdbird · #**8655** 19-05-2018, 07:10 PM

A cop was walking his beat through a back alley when he caught a young boy having a wank in the long grass.

"What do you think you're doing?" the cop said.

"What does it look like? I'm having a wank," the kid replied.

"You'd best be careful, boy." the cop warned. "When we catch a young fella doing that, we cut his dick off, stretch and dry it, put a leather thong through one end to make a police baton out of it."

"And I bet I know what you do when you catch a girl doing it." said the young boy.

"And what's that?" asked the cop.

"I bet you cut out her cunt, dry and stretch it, then put it in a blue uniform!"