Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

[bigbirdbird]

Willy and his friend Harry stopped at a bar and decided to, have a couple of beers .
As they were drinking their beers, they noticed an attractive young woman came in and sit at the bar across the room from their table.

The way she was sitting, they could see up her skirt, though in the dim light, they could not see much.

"Check it out," said Harry, "She's wearing black lace panties!" Willy looked over, and countered, "That's not black lace, that's hair, see how it shines!"

Looking harder, Harry said "No it's not, you can tell from the way she carries herself, she's a real class act. She's got on black lace panties."

"You're nuts! You can tell from her eyes that she is really wild. She's not wearing anything under that skirt!"

This went on back and forth for several minutes before Willy challenged Harry. "I've got $20 that says she is not wearing panties."

"You're on. How do we find out for sure?"

Willy said "I'll go up to the bar and get a couple more beers. I can get a better look as I go past her."

When he came back a minute later, Willy had a strange look on his face.

"Well, what is it, lace or hair?" asked Harry.

"Flies!"

[bigbirdbird]

Paul is Distressed


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So, I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

"I kicked her in the face."

[bigbirdbird]

Surprise Party



It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.



As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on, and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"

My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there.



My girlfriend and I were frozen embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

[bigbirdbird]

Six Feet





Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).



All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.. "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he won't notice you here with me."



The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.


Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed, and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four… By gosh, you're right, dear!"

[guyana]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Surprise Party



It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone.



As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.

I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.

When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on, and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"

My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there.



My girlfriend and I were frozen embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.

Very nice jokes and good laugh.
Thanks for sharing and hope to read more.

[orgasmi]

So lovely great jokes.
Thanks for sharing bro.
More pls.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

[FewJones]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Six Feet





Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).



All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.. "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he won't notice you here with me."



The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.


Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed, and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four… By gosh, you're right, dear!"

So good joke and vey funny.
Thk u for sharing and waiting for more.

[FriskyPartner]

Very nice joke thread, support!

[smeIIy]

Really funny joke.
Nice share.
Hope to read more.

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws
you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

[Rolex26]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Six Feet





Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).



All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.. "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he won't notice you here with me."



The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.


Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed, and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four… By gosh, you're right, dear!"

Nice. Support

[mylover]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Six Feet





Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband).



All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs.. "Oh, my gosh, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he won't notice you here with me."



The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice.


Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed, and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the heck is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four… By gosh, you're right, dear!"

Thks for sharing nice jokes.

Hope to read more and support here.

[bigbirdbird]

Having “The Talk”




My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex.

To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape. "Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

[bigbirdbird]

Elmo


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Jessica a blonde is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica.

‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...


‘Your job is to give Elmo two test Tickles.’

[bigbirdbird]

Ladies, what kind of dick are you getting?

MISERABLE DICK - When the guy is extremely handsome.
He says the right things and does the right things.
When it comes to sex, he is lacking in this department.
He sucks your tits too hard, kisses your mouth too long, stays around your neck forever.
He fingers you like a GYN Doctor, licks your pussy like he's in a track meet and has a very small dick.
You try to give him some head, only to find that you are actually sucking a pacifier. This is so miserable.
You think, "how can a guy so fine, so polite be so weak"
To top everything off ladies, how about just when in your mind you're going to try to get the best out of this, even if you have to make yourself cum, and he beats you to the punch.

DAMN TOLERABLE DICK - This is funny dick.
He eats major pussy.
He eats it so good, your knees feel a little weak.
It was good enough to make you shed a tear.
Then he puts his dick in, just for you to realize that you cannot really feel it!!
His stroke is UN-timely and non-rhythmic.
You work with it by riding on it
As if you were in a wild wild west film.
You hold your pelvis real tight and try to visualize the last big dick you had to get your mind off this less filling dick.
It's funny because in the man's mind he'll say, that we just have big pussies from having too much sex and that is why we cannot feel him.
Only for them to forget that the pussy is a muscle that accommodates the size of the penis.

INTERNET DICK - Well, how would we define this type of dick?
You see, online they talk a damn good game, but you never know what to expect in person.
Then you meet and you fuck and the dick is trash.
They talk the bottom out of it, but HE COULD NOT MAKE YOU CUM!!!

OVERWHELMED DICK - I believe this dick ladies we all can testify to.
Whoa! This is the type of dick you misjudged.
You saw some signs of weakness in this man.
He always caters to you and really does not discuss what he can do in bed with you.
When kissing him, you notice you make his knees weak.
You hold out on giving him some and tease him.
You know what size dick he has because you have either:
(a) Already gave him some mean ass head, or
(b) Stroked it while he was wearing pants or boxers. So, you thought in your mind, "I am going to whip him." Only to
Find he laid the "SMACK DOWN" on your pussy. He had you in a figure
Eight. You were so overwhelmed that you could not even speak. Your
Whole pre-calculated fuck was down the drain. He had more game than you.
He was like an energizer bunny that keep going and going and you kept
Cumming and cumming. Now you look at him in a different light.

PUNISHABLE DICK - You see, the guy you're sleeping with punishes your
Pussy. If he has a bad day at work he "punishes your pussy". If he has
A bad meal, "he punishes your pussy". If he is pissed off at you, he
Punishes your pussy." No matter what, he "punishes your pussy".
It is easy to tell if the guy you're with falls into this category.
He always uses phrases like these when he is fucking you:
"DON'T RUN FROM THIS DICK", "AIN'T THIS SOME GOOD DICK?"
"TELL ME YOU LIKE THIS DICK", "WHAT'S MY NAME?", "WHO'S PUSSY IS
THIS?","I DON'T HEAR YOU TALKIN' SHIT NOW", "YOU LIKE IT WHEN I GET IN THIS
PUSSY DON'T YA?".

GUILTY DICK - The dick you're getting from someone who is not your man.
Ladies who have cheated on their man temporarily can say, "AMEN" to
This type of dick. Ladies, this is the type of dick that makes you cry and
Confess to your man you fucked someone else. The guilty dick made you
Want to tell somebody. Guilty dick is in a class of its own. Guilty
Dick will make you look and feel different about the dick you got at home.
Guilty dick makes you have multiple orgasms. Makes you cry and you have
No clue to why. This dick is so intense, when it is being administered
It sends you into a trance. He has a slow, long stroke, sweats on you,
Asks you if your comfortable about six times, you started at 6PM and it
Is now going on 9PM and he is not tired and hasn't cum yet. The lips on
Your pussy are so swollen that if you got outta bed they would be
draggin' the ground. It hurt so good. He licks on your pussy as if he
was a baby cat licking warm milk, he savors it like you're the main
course meal. He smells it like fine wine. By now you're in shock and
forget about your man. He has at least two inches more than your man.
When you're back with your man, you're wondering why he can't perform
like guilty dick. You even have the nerve to get mad and then instruct
him to do what guilty dick did to you.

PLEPLEASURABLE DICK - This is good convenk. Easy dick. Dick you can
call when your body needs a fix. He gives you major head like GUILTY DICK,
and fucks you like GUILTY DICK. Only thing is, you do not have a man so
you're not feeling guilty. Whenever you call, this dick is ready. His
dick craves your pussy. This dick is available in any place at anytime.

GOTDAMN DICK - Ladies, now this is dick that will definitely send you
to hell if you're not married to it. This dick is just like PLEASURABLE
and GUILTY DICK. His dick is anywhere from 9.5 to 11 inches long and has
the circumference of a half dollar. This dick makes you numb, cry and pray
all at the same time. While he is getting it doggy style, you look
towards the heavens and say, "GOTDAMN THIS IS SOME GOOD DICK".

CAP'N DICK - This is the gold mine dick. This dick is the dick that you
commit yourself too. You do not cheat on it and you keep it a well kept
secret. In fact, you constantly crave and feign for it. When you get
this dick, you go through convulsions. This is the dick that makes you
EVERREADY. You call in sick from work for it. This dick is so major it
is OVERWHELMED DICK, PLEASURABLE DICK, GUILTY DICK and GOTDAMN DICK all
in one. This is the dick that you want to put insurance on, just in
case anything should happen to it. This dick makes you stutter while
speaking and has you nervous for no reason. You lay back afterwards
thinking "THIS IS HOMEWRECKIN', GOTTA TELL MY MAMA, GOTTA TELLS SOMEBODY,
ANYBODY DICK"

Now ladies, which one would/do you have?!!!