Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

No sex since 1955


A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely

Young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action"

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him

To a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."


(Gotta love military time!)

[bigbirdbird]

Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."

There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies.

He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window,

"We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything - Just Bring The Material"

So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week's time when it would be ready.

A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him.

"$50" said the shopkeeper.

"$50, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it's so expensive?"

The shopkeeper replied "Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse...if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase"

[bigbirdbird]

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

[lkari]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Having “The Talk”




My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex.

To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape. "Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

Very good joke. Tks bro.

[BioPhysics]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Elmo


There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Jessica a blonde is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica.

‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...


‘Your job is to give Elmo two test Tickles.’

Hahaha this is funny!! Nice share bro

[orgasmi]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

Wah really so long.
Nice jokes bro. Thanks.

[centuriun]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Having “The Talk”




My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex.

To ensure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape. "Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence.

On the third lift, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Damn, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"

Nice joke bro.

Thanks for sharing. Hope to read more.

[smeIIy]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

There were these three guys at the lake, a German, an Englishman and a Nigerian.

The German took out his dick, put it in the water, waited a while and told the others: "I can feel the temperature of the water. It's 32 degrees Celsius".

The other two were amazed. "Let me try", the Englishman said. So he put his organ in the water, waited and said: "To be more exact, the temperature is 32.3 degrees Celsius".

At last the Nigerian man said, "Let me have a try". So he took his equipment, lowered it into the lake and said: "I've no idea about the temperature, but the water is 2 feet 9 inches deep.

Wahahaa so long.
Thx for sharing good jokes.

[pammor]

Originally Posted by bakylotus

JUST FOR LAUGHS


Two men met while both were looking for their wives.
1st: How yours look like?
2nd: She is 5'7', 36-24-36, Fair, Blue Eyes, What about yours?
1st: Forget mine, let's look for yours!

What is the definition of MISTRESS?
Someone between the MISTER and the MATRESS.

Son asked Dad the difference between Confident and Confidential.
Dad says, You are my son, I'm confident, your friend is also
my son, that's confidential.

Mother to teenage daughter: I think it is the right time we
talk about sex.
Daughter excitingly: Sure Mum, tell me what you what to know.
Mother faints!

Man comes home, finds his wife and his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says, If you behave like this, you will lose all your
friends.

Santa : I was screwing my wife last night and she looked back and said, “I’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!”


Banta : then ?

Santa : As soon as I did, she screamed!

Banta : why ?

Santa : I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

[LovePete]

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she's going home for Rosh Hashanah.

The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the holiday when you light the candles?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Hannukah."

The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that when you eat unleavened bread?"

"No," the Jewish girl replies, "That's Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar."

The Catholic girl replies, "That's what I like about you Jews, you're so good to your help."

There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies.

He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window,

"We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything - Just Bring The Material"

So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week's time when it would be ready.

A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him.

"$50" said the shopkeeper.

"$50, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it's so expensive?"

The shopkeeper replied "Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse...if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase"

Nice joke bro hehee

[Drinkwater]

Originally Posted by pammor

Santa : I was screwing my wife last night and she looked back and said, “I’m feeling kinky! Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!”


Banta : then ?

Santa : As soon as I did, she screamed!

Banta : why ?

Santa : I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.

Nice share bro, thanks!

[suriname]

So many nice jokes and took moe weeks to complete reading.

Tks guys.

[kwarafuji]

Very funny okes here, thx all.

[bigbirdbird]

There was a schoolteacher in the little old school which was teaching sex ed.

The class was comprised of only 8 students, due to the size of the school.

One of the little girls there asked, "According to the Bible, it says that Adam came first, then Eve.

The teacher replied, "Yes, dear, that is true, according to the Word Of God."

The girl responded, "Daddy always told me it is Ladies before Gentlemen.

Didn't that rule apply during the Creation time?"

Our teacher gets a smile on her face... she said, "Dearie, Adam came first -- trust me! And every man since him came first, too!"

[bigbirdbird]

There was nothing to do on this Thursday night, so the two co-eds were just hanging around the apartment.

Brenda, who was dressed in only a in bra and panties, was jiggling back and forth around their place doing some chores.

Abby, who was sitting on the bed, decided this was the night that she would reveal her secret to her room mate.

"Take a break", Abby said to her friend, "Come over here and sit down".

As soon as Brenda sat on the bed, Abby leaned over and kissed her full on the lips.

"I've always wanted to tell you something" Abby said, "It's kinda hard to say this... Well, let me be frank".

Brenda leaned toward her friend and said in a sexually husky voice:

"No darling... Let me be Frank".