Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[oceanic]

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND.

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand it got washed.
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you

[bakylotus]

WALKING STRAIGHT


A crab and a lobster are secretly dating. Pretty soon,
the lobster tires of the lying and tells her father, who
then forbids her to see the crab anymore.

'It will never work honey', he says to her. 'Crabs walk
sideways and we walk straight'.

'Please', she begs her father. 'Just meet him once, I
know you will like him'.

Her father relents and agrees to a one-time meeting,
and she runs off to tell the good news to her crab
sweetie.

The crab is so excited he decides to surprise his beloved's
family. He practiced and practiced until he can finally
walk straight.

On the BIG day, he walks the entire way to the lobster's
house as straight as he can.

Standing on the porch and seeing the crab walked towards
him, the lobster dad yelled to his daughter, 'I knew it, here
comes the crab and he is drunk!'.

[seesaw]

This young swimmer from the Australian Olympic team manages to sneak his new girlfriend, a gorgeous Danish gymnast, into his room at the Olympic Village.

Once she's inside, he quickly switches out all the lights and they rapidly disrobe and leap onto his bed in a flurry of athletic achievement.

After about twenty minutes of wild sex they both collapse back on the bed in exhaustion.

The girl looks admiringly across at the swimmer in the dim light.

His beautifully-developed muscles, tanned skin and smooth-shaven scalp glisten with little beads of sweat as he lays beside her.

She's really pleased to have met this guy.

At this point the swimmer slowly struggles up from the bed.

He fumbles the lid off a bottle on the bedside table, pours himself a small shot in a glass and drinks it down in one gulp.

Then he stands bolt upright, takes a deep breath and, in a surprisingly energetic motion, dives under the bed, climbing out the other side and beating his chest like a gorilla.

Then he vaults back on top of the girl and commences a frantic repeat performance.

The Danish girl is very impressed with the gusto of this second encounter.

Somehow the Aussie has completely recovered from his previous exhaustion!

After nearly half an hour of wild activity in every possible position, the gasping male swimmer again crawls out of bed and swallows another shot of the mysterious liquid.

Once more he dives under the bed, emerges on the other side, beats his chest and commences to make love all over AGAIN.

The girl is just amazed and delighted as the action continues at the same blistering pace as before. In the darkness, she can't properly see what kind of tonic is causing these incredible transformations, but she sure likes the effect!

More than an hour later, after another repeat of the strange drinking ritual on his part, and a whole string of ecstatic multiple orgasms on her part, the Danish girl is now feeling rather faint herself.

"Just a minute, big boy," she whispers to the panting bald-headed Aussie, "I think I need to try some of your tonic!"

She rises unsteadily and pours a small shot of the liquid.

She braces herself for some sort of medicinal effect, but actually it just tastes like Coca-Cola.

Then she stands up straight, takes a deep breath and dives under the bed - only to smash straight into the three other exhausted members of the Australian relay team.

[seesaw]

Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time.

Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her after the introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be, how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected families in Boston? That I was educated in Europe? That I attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast? That I attended Vassar, graduating Magna Cum Laude?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that bitch come off with all that crude bullshit?"

[Roman city]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t figure out where he knows her from. So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.” His mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I had sex with on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery?” She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher

[bakylotus]

LEARNT FROM DADDY


A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told
her students that she wanted each of them to
to have learned one fact about Jesus by next
Sunday.

The following week she asked each child in turn
what they had learned.

Susie said, 'He was born in a manger'.

Bobby said, 'He threw money changers out of
the temple'.

Little Johnny said, 'He has a red pick-up truck
but he doesn't know how to drive it'.

Curious, the teacher asked, 'And where did you
learn that Johnny?'

'From my Daddy', Little Johnny answered. 'Yesterday
we were driving down the highway and this red
pick-up truck suddenly pulled in right in front of us
and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ, Why don't
you learn how to drive!'.

[bonker1314]

Up the thread

[beary]

One evening two Nuns had been in the poor part of the City caring for the homeless, Sister Theresa and Sister Catherine.

It was getting late and they were hurrying back to the convent before it got dark.

The light was fading, and they were still nearer the bad part of town than they were to the cloister.

As they walked past a dark alley, two thugs grabbed them, dragged them into the alley, threw them onto the pavement and began raping the poor Nuns.

“Dear God, Please forgive him, for he knows not what he does” Cried Sister Theresa

“Mine does!” Cried Sister Catherine enthusiastically.

[beary]

There were three gals who were getting married and all met at the marriage counselor's office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city gals and one farm gal.

The counselor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile. They all agreed that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and all agreed to wait awhile.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, the rhythm method. That will work said the counselor if you keep a good record.

He asked the second gal what system she planned on using. I plan on using birth control pills she said. Again he said, yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, the pail and saucer, method. After a short delay, he again told her that should also work.

He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city gals were pregnant. Only the farm gal was slim and trim yet.

Well the counselor asked the first gal what method she used and what went wrong. She replied that she used the rhythm method, but somehow got her notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.

He asked the second city gal what method she used and she replied, the birth control pill but we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.

He turns to the farm gal and told her that I vaguely remember you were going to use the pail and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don't have a clue what the pail and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.

She replied, "Well we make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a pail turned upside down. Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, I kick the pail out from under him.

[beary]

The country doctor was just returning from a delivery at an outlying cattle ranch, when he crossed paths with the town's gossip.

"Doctor Wilson, how is the Smith baby?"

"Well, the child was born without a wiener," the doctor said...

"Oh, oh my goodness!" said the gossip...and with a smile on her face, she turned to head into town to spread the news.

Before she could take off to spread the news, the doctor quickly grabbed her arm, bent his head over and whispered in her ear, "But she'll have a damn nice place to put one in 20 years!"

[beary]

A young man grew fed up with modern life and decided to leave the big city and become a shepherd, spending months in the seclusion of the distant mountains alone with his thoughts and sheep.

So he went up the high mountains where he found three older shepherds with a big flock of sheep, and asked them to show him the ropes. The shepherds agreed.

The young man spent a week with them. One evening by the fire he asked casually,"So how do you guys get by with no women around here?"

Said one of the men,"Why, with so many sheep around, who needs women?"

The youngster shuddered: "Yak! How horrible! How can you...?"

The three men only smiled and said nothing.

Another week passed and one morning the young man realized that the tension in his groin had grown unbearable.

He remembered what the men had said, and looking at the sheep, thought, "Hmm, why not after all...".

He chose a moment when none of the older shepherds were around, and grabbed one of the nearest sheep. However, the others showed up in a minute, and seeing him with the sheep burst out laughing.

"What? What?!!", shouted the young man, blushing. "You told me that's what you did yourselves, didn't you??!"

"Yeah, sure! But to choose the ugliest one??!"

[beary]

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska.

The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife," Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!'

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

"Now watch," he said.

Next he said," D**k, ten-HUT!"

And with that, his d**k sprang to full erection.

Then he said," D**k, at EASE!"

And his d**k deflated again.

" Wow, that was amazing, "said his wife." Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? Its really something else!"

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished.

So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guys full attention!

After a brief pause to take her in, he said," Now watch this."

Then he said" D**k, ten-HUT!"

And the d**k sprang to life.

Then it was" D**k, at EASE!"

But nothing happened.

So the guy again said," D**k, at EASE!"

But still nothing happened.

So the guy now says," For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!"

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarrassed and ran off to the bathroom.

His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

"What in the world are you doing?" She asked.

The guy says," I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!"

[Roman city]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey…” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.” The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea! Now if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times.”

[Ghoi84]

The French Cow Hand

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer, "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called Sheep Fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper.

This went on for three days....and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

[Ghoi84]

Three Aussies on a Train

Three Kiwis and three Aussies are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Aussies each buy tickets and watch as the three Kiwis buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an Aussie.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Kiwi.

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says,"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Aussies decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money,and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie. Watch and you'll see," answers a kiwi.

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a bathroom and the three Kiwis cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Kiwis leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the Aussies are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."