Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread] - Page 634

bigbirdbird · #**9496** 25-12-2018, 09:14 PM

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.

Lo and behold they run out of beer, so Bubba says that he will go for more.

As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.

She agrees.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the cold floor!"

healthyclub · #**9497** 25-12-2018, 10:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills,

They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.

He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby.

About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.

The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end off."

Haha this is good bro, thanks!

dyelook · #**9498** 26-12-2018, 12:12 AM

bumps for nice jokes..

soprano9 · #**9499** 26-12-2018, 07:41 AM

Thanks bro bigbigbird for sharing nice jokes.

Hope to read more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

Ray and Bubba, two old Navy buddies, are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.

Lo and behold they run out of beer, so Bubba says that he will go for more.

As he is leaving he tells his wife, Linda-Lou, to show Ray her best Southern hospitality.

She agrees.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Ray and Linda-Lou screwing right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yells, "What are you doing Linda-Lou?"

She replies, "You told me to show Ray my best Southern hospitality."

Bubba then says, "Well, girl, arch your back! Poor Ray's balls are on the cold floor!"

wimbo · #**9500** 26-12-2018, 10:42 AM

Thank you bro for sharing good jokes. Hoping for more.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

A population control program had been introduced to the island, but the medical men were having trouble getting the women to take their birth control pills,

They decided, therefore, to concentrate on teaching the men to wear condoms.

One of the men who came in had had eight children in eight years, and the doctor told him that he absolutely had to wear a sheath.

He explained that as long as he wore it his woman could not have another baby.

About a month later, the wife came in and she was pregnant.

The doctor got very angry. He called the man in and gave him a long lecture through an interpreter. He asked the man why he hadn't worn the sheath.

The interpreter said, "He swears he did wear it. He never took it off."

The doctor shook his head. "In that case, ask him how in the hell his wife is pregnant again?"

"He says," said the interpreter, "that after six days he had to take a piss so badly that he cut the end off."

henrick · #**9501** 26-12-2018, 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbirdbird

New Brothel

George meets his best friend, Michael, in the street, and is very excited. Asked why, George tells Michael that he has heard of a brilliant new brothel.

"Why is it brilliant?" asks Michael.

George says, "Well you go in there at 9am, have all the sex you can handle until 12:30, stop for a 3-course lunch, and have all the sex you can cope with until 4.30pm. Then you have chocolate cake and coffee and just as you leave, they give you $500 in your hand!"

"Jesus!" says Michael. "Where is this place?"

George says "I don't know, but I'll ask my wife tonight when she comes home."

Nice one bro, thanks!!

bigbirdbird · #**9502** 27-12-2018, 08:09 PM

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.

Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."

bigbirdbird · #**9503** 27-12-2018, 08:11 PM

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site. When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly. After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town. Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prostitute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.

After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fuckin ' in Philadelphia."

bigbirdbird · #**9504** 27-12-2018, 08:11 PM

A penis is a splendid thing; you ladies should be jealous.
An organ with such lovely skin, it's smooth and mostly hairless.

It starts to grow so quickly when a guy's about thirteen,
His testicles on either side, his willy in between.

It dangles neatly down below; it's softly warm and loyal.
But at the slightest hint of lust, it's ready to uncoil.

It seems to have a mind all of its own; it's like an untamed beast,
It squirms and writhes and stretches out, just when you 'spect it least.

Sometimes, yes, it misbehaves, erecting when it shouldn't.
A bumpy train ride sets it off, and then I wish it wouldn't.

During summer, wearing little, sunning on the beach,
A glimpse of wobbly boobs or bums will make it squirm and reach.

But handle it with love and care, for it will give great pleasure.
I often check if it has grown - now when did I last measure?

Some men will fret about their size: they give it lots of thought;
Is seven inches long enough? It makes them quite distraught.

They sneak a look in toilets, wondering what they'll see,
But if another glances back at them, there's no way they can pee!

Masturbating is a sin - at least some folks believe.
That's just some old wives' tale, 'cause it really can relieve.

Without this super organ, no shag would be complete.
Lesbians can try their best, but must admit defeat.

It has some splendid functions, I'm sure you will agree:
To start a whole new life, and more than that - to pee!

But what seems most amazing about my one-eyed flute,
Whatever it is doing, it knows which juice to shoot.

And better yet, it stays with one, until one's old and frail.
Don't take it out in public though, or you'll be thrown in jail.

bigbirdbird · #**9505** 27-12-2018, 08:13 PM

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.

To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.

Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.

Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"

Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?"

bigbirdbird · #**9506** 27-12-2018, 08:14 PM

When Liam decided it was time for his friend Brendan to part with his virginity, he accompanied him to the local whorehouse and explained Brendan's condition to the madam.

"Don't worry, my boy, we'll get a nice lass to take care of ye," she promised. "Ye just do your part and make sure ye wear one of these."

And the madam took a condom out of her drawer and rolled it down over her thumb by way of instruction.

Brendan parted eagerly with his money and bounded up the stairs to Room 12, where a cheerful farm girl soon showed him the ropes.

After he'd come, a frown passed over her face. "The rubber must have torn," she muttered. "I'm wet as the sea inside."

"Oh no it didn't, Miss," Brendan cheerfully reassured her, holding up his thumb as evidence. "It's good as new."