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#961
09-04-2007, 12:23 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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In my opinion having to suffer contant challenge is not the right way to go. I would rather change it to adapting or adaptability. Better yet try understanding or learning to understand each other. Ergo, I would phrase it as not saying I'm already there... we am learning everyday to understand each other needs and wants better. My two cents. 
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#962
12-04-2007, 10:35 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
5 Languages of LOVE So which one do you think you are? 1. Words of Affirmation Mark Twain once said “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Verbal appreciation speaks powerfully to persons whose primary Love Language is “Words of Affirmation.” Simple statements, such as, “You look great in that suit,” or “You must be the best baker in the world! I love your oatmeal cookies,” are sometimes all a person needs to hear to feel loved. Aside from verbal compliments, another way to communicate through “Words of Affirmation” is to offer encouragement. Here are some examples: reinforcing a difficult decision; calling attention to progress made on a current project; acknowledging a person’s unique perspective on an important topic. If a loved one listens for “Words of Affirmation,” offering encouragement will help him or her to overcome insecurities and develop greater confidence. 2. Quality Time Quality time is more than mere proximity. It’s about focusing all your energy on your mate. A husband watching sports while talking to his wife is NOT quality time. Unless all of your attention is focused on your mate, even an intimate dinner for two can come and go without a minute of quality time being shared. Quality conversation is very important in a healthy relationship. It involves sharing experiences, thoughts, feelings and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. A good mate will not only listen, but offer advice and respond to assure their mate they are truly listening. Many mates don’t expect you to solve their problems. They need a sympathetic listener. An important aspect of quality conversation is self-revelation. In order for you to communicate with your mate, you must also be in tune with your inner emotions. It is only when you understand your emotions and inner feelings will you then be able to share quality conversation, and quality time with your mate. Quality activities are a very important part of quality time. Many mates feel most loved when they spend physical time together, doing activities that they love to do. Spending time together will bring a couple closer, and, in the years to come, will fill up a memory bank that you can reminisce about in the future. Whether it’s sitting on the couch and having a brief conversation or playing together in a tennis league, quality time is a love language that is shared by many. Setting aside focused time with your mate will ensure a happy marriage. 3. Receiving Gifts Some mates respond well to visual symbols of love. If you speak this love language, you are more likely to treasure any gift as an expression of love and devotion. People who speak this love language often feel that a lack of gifts represents a lack of love from their mate. Luckily, this love language is one of the easiest to learn. If you want to become an effective gift giver, many mates will have to learn to change their attitude about money. If you are naturally a spender, you will have no trouble buying gifts for your mate. However, a person who is used to investing and saving their money may have a tough time adjusting to the concept of spending money as an expression of love. These people must understand that you are investing the money not in gifts, but in deepening your relationship with your mate. The gift of self is an important symbol of love. Sometimes all your mate desires is for someone to be there for them, going through the same trials and experiencing the same things. Your body can become a very powerful physical symbol of love. These gifts need not to come every day, or even every week. They don’t even need to cost a lot of money. Free, frequent, expensive, or rare, if your mate relates to the language of receiving gifts, any visible sign of your love will leave them feeling happy and secure in your relationship. 4. Acts of Service Sometimes simple chores around the house can be an undeniable expression of love. Even simple things like laundry and taking out the trash require some form of planning, time, effort, and energy. Just as Jesus demonstrated when he washed the feet of his disciples, doing humble chores can be a very powerful expression of love and devotion to your mate. Very often, both pairs in a couple will speak to the Acts of Service Language. However, it is very important to understand what acts of service your mate most appreciates. Even though couples are helping each other around the house, couples will still fight because the are unknowingly communicating with each other in two different dialects. For example, a wife may spend her day washing the cars and walking to dog, but if her husband feels that laundry and dishes are a superior necessity, he may feel unloved, despite the fact that his wife did many other chores throughout the day. It is important to learn your mate’s dialect and work hard to understand what acts of service will show your love. It is important to do these acts of service out of love and not obligation. A mate who does chores and helps out around the house out of guilt or fear will inevitably not be speaking a language of love, but a language of resentment. It’s important to perform these acts out of the kindness of your heart. Demonstrating the acts of service can mean stepping out of the stereotypes. Acts of service require both mates to humble themselves into doing some chores and services that aren’t usually expected from their gender. However, these little sacrifices will mean the world to your mate, and will ensure a happy relationship. 5. Physical Touch Many mates feel the most loved when they receive physical contact from their partner. For a mate who speaks this love language loudly, physical touch can make or break the relationship. Sexual intercourse makes many mates feel secure and loved in a marriage. However, it is only one dialect of physical touch. Many parts of the body are extremely sensitive to stimulation. It is important to discover how your partner not only physically responds but also psychologically responds to these touches. It is important to learn how your mate speaks the physical touch language. Some touches are irritating and uncomfortable for your mate. Take the time to learn the touches your mate likes. They can be big acts, such as back massages or lovemaking, or little acts such as touches on the cheek or a hand on the shoulder. It’s important to learn how your mate responds to touch. That is how you will make the most of this love language. All marriages will experience crisis. In these cases, physical touch is very important. In a crisis situation, a hug can communicate an immense amount of love for that person. A person whose primary love language is physical touch would much rather have you hold them and be silent than offer any advice. It is important to remember that this love language is different for everyone. What type of touch makes you feel secure is not necessarily what will make your partner happy. It is important to learn each other’s dialects. That way you can make the most of your hugging, kissing, and other physical contacts Info taken off http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html JWNY
__________________
 drink Coke...save water
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#963
12-04-2007, 11:57 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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i had about the same experience with you, when i 1st met my wife i was crazy about her, cannot live without her, every moments have to be with her. She had many suiters but she choose me which is not handsome and not rich, her other male friends quote us "beauty and the beast"... but i never give up and i won her heart. after 10 over years of marriage, feelings start to lost touch. There are no more kisses and i lost count the numbers of days we did not make love. Although there are feel times i let my feelings run wild, thinking i had fall for another gal but i will also end up returning home to my 2 baby gals~ so the one that i married is not the one that i love ?? but the ones that i had given birth to will definately have all my love..... As i say before, i believe the one i married is the one i loved... when I tot my wife is not the one that i love, it is just becoz we have been living together for too long and the wonderful feelings during the courtship gone. when we meet another woman and that chemistry started again, we tot we had find our true love again..... which is always not true... as times goes by, you will think that the new lover is not the one you love again when you meet another one.... and so the cycles goes on...
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#964
13-04-2007, 01:36 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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What I totally agree is that children now take centerstage in my life. Everything else is not half as important anymore. Quote:
I mentioned agreeing somewhat as I am still in a r/s with the one I love most. I still find her beautiful, cute and everything that I would want. But maybe it is something else... she has just mentioned that she may want to move to Singapore for good and live near me. Currently, this has somewhat dimmed my ardour... not too much but I admit that it is affecting me. So maybe your theory of the chemistry cycle may hold true again.
__________________
*** Slowly but Surely *** Unofficially since Delphi. Officially since March 2003 ***
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#965
13-04-2007, 05:31 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
So do i take the wrong way like u guys take? Im not married but i have a gf who really loves me and no matter what i did in the past (Going out with other girls get bored with them and go back to her), she did not mind at all and without second thoughts, will patch up with me when i want to. I know im being a bastard and whatever but recently i did break up with her again. But now its because i want to be single. Yesterday i met up with her and we did stuffs like usual couple did and hence now im back into a r/s with her. I don't really know what to do. Am i going the right way? Sigh..
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#966
13-04-2007, 06:48 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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point 2: From what you have written you're not sure what you want. Maybe you're still young emotionally. Be that as it may you're acting like a fair weathered friend atm, meaning you're only using her for your own needs. You dont seem to care if you're hurting her or not. You're taking her for granted. Please dont get piss with me but I think you need to grow up. She might not tell you right up front that she is anything but mad at you but know that your action is breaking her up inside somehow. Some people can keep those 'emotion' thing well under lid but whatever you like to believe you're definately not acting like a mature adult here. Sad fact is she is obviously still pining for you. Let me summarize. There are two options. Either you make her yours completely or you can get out of her life completely. Unlike man, woman shelf life expire very much earlier (the baby making process is what I meant). My two cents worth.
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#967
13-04-2007, 09:12 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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she may not be a good lover but maybe she can be a good wife(not asking you to get married now hor...haha) i guess most married bros here like surfer888 and me had this wife and lovers r/s that makes us really confused. wife was once lover but now we take it for granted. (become like antique put at home.) - we once love lovers we "tot" we are in love becoz there is still room to explore..(usually younger then our wife, so make us younger also  ) - we love ?GFs ??(not yet lovers type)... we can spend 24hrs thinking of her...  - we want to fall in love again
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#968
13-04-2007, 10:31 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
Yeah i know guys.. shes trying her best like now to show do everything she could to revive this r/s.. but im jus there doing nothing.. i dont knw what to do seriously.. i admit im immature in this thing.. guess i must choose one path and be determine to do it...
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#969
14-04-2007, 04:06 AM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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but whatever it is, it is very unfair for u to be holding on to her like a spare tire... and i m envious of u cos yr gf is a rare breed and is very much sought after. she might not be there forever, u know? by then, it might be too late for u... u have her heart now, but if u dont appreciate her or dont think she is the one, might as well let her go. it is only fair to her. no offence and think carefully, ya? cheers
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#970
14-04-2007, 02:12 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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 What is it with people like you? If you're not serious about her then stop wasting her time and youth. You are only toying with her emotions. Why not 'release' her back to the market for S.A.Ds like me. I think we'll do better at giving our partners the commitment, attention, affection that they deserve.
__________________
I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. ~Alfred Tennyson - 1850 What if I don't want to lose it at all?
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#971
14-04-2007, 03:39 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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i m sure bro xfishkerx also feels bad about it already, can see from his post lah. so he is not beyond hope... guys, can i suggest that u guys go watch this movie: the holiday on dvd by kate winslet, cameron diaz, jude law and jack black, especially bro xfishkerx. then after that,maybe u would know what to do after that. cheers...
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#972
16-04-2007, 02:55 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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Can somebody pass the Kleenex please?
__________________
I hold it true, whate'er befall; I feel it, when I sorrow most; 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all. ~Alfred Tennyson - 1850 What if I don't want to lose it at all?
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#973
20-04-2007, 01:27 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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of course it is a predictable storyline... the bloody movie was released during the christmas period if i m not wrong...  the whole idea is that one should not hold another loved one back if the love is not there... call me idealistic, naive, hopeless, whatever. but i like this kind of story where the protagonists in the movie possesses human traits but just a shot at true love transcends all boundaries. i wish i have the guts to do it if it happens to me, to give up everything and uproot if i have to. too bad my one true love left the pub 3 minutes after seeing me enter a couple of days ago... haiz...  wanted to tell u on msn but u were too busy!!!TGIF and enjoy yourself at phuture...
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#974
20-04-2007, 02:12 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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 My favourite romance movie has to be...Love Actually in the theme song...the chorus: Quote:
 JWNY
__________________
drink Coke...save water
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#975
20-04-2007, 04:16 PM
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Re: The one you marry, is not the one you loved most?
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that is my favourite too... but prefer the song "all i want for christmas is u" performed by the little girl... that movie made me want to fly straight to wisconsin!!!
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